It has been 4 months that i stopped writing.

A year has ended, and i don't have the guts to say that i have accomplished a lot in 2010. Rather, it could be ranked under one of the worst years. Although, i did gained a fair bit of stuffs on my own, but i know it is still not enough. I am still leading a mono life aimlessly. 

In 2011, my priority is to complete my studies which is the main boiling point of my burden and weight i have on my shoulders. So, what will be next after my studies? I do have certain plans what i will want to do. That is one of my goal in life for year 2011. I want to return afresh and feeling good. I believe that, that is an offer i need to take and path that i have to walk. 

I believe i will be happier when i return, i believe everything will be better when i return, i believe i will achieve more when i return. I don't deny that true fact about the characteristic about Libra! They have the love of freedom, love of wandering around, love to be lazy, just want to have fun and joy in life. I can't deny i fit perfectly into all this characteristic. For once, although i am alone in my life, i never feel lonely a single moment. Have i already reached the limit of being alone that i no longer want anyone to step into my life. So used to the life i have always enjoyed, spending all my money on myself and friends that i love. This is quite a blessing for me. I have learnt to do so many things alone after mentor's departure. But, it seems like she disappear in the world, i am not able to find out how she is doing. but, i believe someday we will meet and maybe she will be glad to find out that i am no longer who i was. and maybe the place will be somewhere we are unfamiliar with. That's my instinct. I trust it a lot. 

They are so many friends and acquaintances in life, but sadly, there are none you can trust. If i don't really understand myself, know what i want and know who i am, how would someone knows everything about me? that somehow puzzled me. Certain characteristic can be easily picked out during one's observation but unable to totally comprehend. Eg of an incident, my friends thought i was tough and strong as what my outer appearance shows, but in actual fact they found out that i was actually the most timid and weak after we finished watching a horror movie. They were shocked and totally cannot believe the inner side of me. This made me realize that all the tough act, strong front was all did by me in order to protect myself. I had to do that so that i will not be hurt by anyone that thinks i am naive and innocent. This also goes to show that i have been protecting myself really well and good. No doubt, i carry the shadow of my mentor. No one was able to understand what she is actually thinking or what is her most inner side, because she has covered herself really well and good that i never once think that she had an emotional or sad side. So, now i understand what i have always been doing. And suddenly it dawned upon me the partial reason of my change.

Recently, i choose to keep mmm about a couple of my stuffs. I am somehow proud of myself to be able to do a lot of things on my own. I always have a belief that things will eventually work out in some ways or other, that is if you tried your best. I shouldn't be eager to give back what i was being taught because i wasn't ready to. I always want to give the best advice to others because i fear for them to have regrets in their life like i did with mine. I had numerous of grudges why there wasn't someone in my life to guide me when things became difficult along my path, but eventually someone still comes by, is just a matter of time. Therefore, it will also be a matter of time for me to choose that person to payback. 

I was happy to write this post, because while writing i found things that never come across my mind and set as a reminder for me as well........

*just finished "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho - too many scattered thoughts in mind.........

quote for the day -- "some people were born to face life alone and this is neither good nor bad, this is simply life"

staring in the sky.......

my mind never stop for a second, every minute, every second, my mind is working. It seems that i will always have something to think about, be it my dream, be it day-dreaming or any other things. I always have something in mind, but is gone in the other minute. Just like i always feel that i have alot to write and some to share, but when it comes to really writing it down, the "feel" isn't there. 

i can't differentiate whether i am independent or trying to act independent. Recently, i have never stopped thinking of living by myself, i am starting to yearn for a live i call my own. You can say i am selfish, but i think i was too independent. Never like to rely on anyone and maybe that's the reason i don't want/need friends. Because i will never want to experience disappointment again and again. So, i'll always remind myself :"that i don't need anyone, cos i can only trust myself and i can only depend on my own". I've gone weary trusting many but to be disappointed at the end of the day. I think i am trained to be too independent. For sometime, i have imagine life on my own in another country, imagine myself dealing with all the difficulties and the challenges in another country. I want a life i called my own. Life is full of contradictions, one hand you want a life of your own but on another hand, you have commitments that are call "family" that hold you back. I know it's not going to be easy and it is going to be tougher then i thought. But, if that is how i want my life to be, then i should go and give it a try. I have been reminded that life is too short for regrets, and there is only this life to live your life. So, i really can't wait for the day to come. Scold me selfish or irresponsible, anything you can think of. But, i do not want to lead an unhappy life. 

this song was introduced to me by my cousin, she said when she heard it, she thinks that the lyrics are about me...

风雨停歇之后 远方会挂上彩虹

眼泪晒干以后 嘴角会扬起笑容

我已渐渐习惯一个人的那种自由

只是偶尔想起 还有一点点难过

现在的你在什么地方

过着什么样的生活

是否还有一样的任性执着

还会犯同样的错

我们拥抱不同的天空

却有相似的寂寞

每当夜深人静 脆弱的时候

你会不会想到我

也许天亮以后 各自有新的生活

我会偷偷的记得 你曾经那样懂我

虽然只是朋友了 却是回忆里最深刻

the moment i heard this song, i had a lot of mixed feelings, how can there be another person that truly knows what i am thinking or what i have been through. My top like song in my ipod now! love! love!

There are really a lot of things that i do not know how to explain, how to express, but i will turn them into sentences which i will understand. 

i really can't wait for December to come so i can get away from here and go to a favourite place i wish to call my second home....

tears that came so easily....

i am starting to realize something... where is she? i want her to teach me to depend on myself totally, only with this skill set, i am able to just leave everything behind here and go to where i want to be. Is it really that i  lost how to be a friend or am i too lazy to have a friend or i am not a good friend at all? Many a times, i tried to put away any negative thoughts, feelings that i had and think that everything will be the same. But, it never was... what was there has always been. I was not able to just remove it on my part. The only thing that i am proud of myself is that i can be on my own, although sometimes is really rather lonely, but then i guess it doesn't really make any difference. 

我真得已經很習慣我一個人得自由了。i really enjoy the freedom i have without having to worry about anybody's feelings but just all about myself. Maybe this can be seemed like a self-centered person. But, i guess i am tired all the time trying to guess or even concern and care about other's feelings. So, i am both a self-centered and a selfish person. 

如果， 我忘了我得夢想也忘了我得終點站，什麼辦？！i guess i lost myself sometime back. There are too many things going through my mind. Which path is better, easier and faster? should i turn right, left or straight? Although, whatever i have thought about in my life has never worked the way it should be, but but .... suddenly, i have stopped learning........ i should get it back......

I really want to get away, can i be granted this simple wish. And i know what to wish for this birthday.. and what should i do this birthday? seems that it bears no meaning......... is just another day....

tears are precious because it touched right into your heart, tears are sincere because it was moment of happiness, tears are never only for saddness and anger but for the happy things that happened in the world.....

i was trying to think hard to recall, as i had something that i want to talk about a couple of days ago....

people tend to say:"oh yeah, i have thought clearly about it, this is what i want, this is where i want to be" but in actual check, that was clearly a wrong statement made. If they really know what they want and where they want to be, there won't be guilt or remorse found in their emotion's dictionary. Many a times, it was just the assurance of a correct decision made, an answer to the question, a self-consoling statement to keep remaining themselves that, they wanted it so badly, they wanted to be where they are now so badly. In extended context, it just means that, humans are greedy, they want more than they get, demanding more and more in life. On the other hand, how could someone settle for present when they know they can get more, it just seems like a motivation in life. But, still a reminder that do not be greedy in life, some dreams may be too far-fetched for yourself. 

Finally, i have watched inception, a movie that truly captivated me, a movie that left me dumbfounded after the end, a movie that brought me sadness and overwhelmed me with numerous of questions in my mind. I know there were more things that i can catch from the movie than just dreams within dreams, i know that there were some hidden things i could have learned from the movie, i know it was just not enough. There were too much details and events to keep up with the show, that i was engrossed in the storyline but forgot about what's left beyond just the storytelling. Honestly, if i am able to create dreams within a dream, who will i put in my dreams? how will i build my dreams to be? and how i want my dreams to be? I already have the people in my list, the way i want my world to be, the buildings and surroundings that i yearn for. 

Was the inception effect too overpowering that i have been having many dreams that i felt so real this couple of weeks, that turned my tiring body even more tiring. There are many things in life we have to learn, we have to take in stride, i am looking for the day when i found passion in whatever i am doing......

a lesson with myself [01]

the very thing i still remembered the first time i know her. the very thing that puzzled me for a long time as i didn't agree to what she said.

the very thing that i totally agreed upon seeing more the years after....that very thing aid the deep impression of her on me. Maybe many will think of me as a pathetic and sad soul just as i thought she was. But, indeed i believe that very thing was true. Maybe, many a times, you choose to be surrounded by insincere talks, fake praises, evil laughter, cunning expression because you know you needed them. You needed their voice to make you feel that you are not alone, you needed their company to make you feel that you have friends, you just needed them. But, isn't this worse than being a pathetic sad soul? Whatever was told to you was a lie, whatever praises you heard was never true, whatever good things you know will become a broken promise. So i believe that, it was useless wasting time dealing with matters like this. 

I fought hard for it, but it didn't happen, it took me lightly allowing me to realize that it does not exist. So, now i am gona pretend that i am invisible. call on me when you like, but i will only respond as i like. 

I always give people a chance to show their true self but eventually all failed the test. I started to ask myself, if i was doing that too. But, my answer was i was always who i am. Things have changed, but i did not put up a fake front with people whom i call them friends. They knew who i was all along, but some decided to change their thoughts on me, leading me to change my judgment on them.

Things that happened, stories i read, shows i watched reminded me of my forgotten lessons in life. I should never be the "OK LADY" all long. I should play my game and call the shots. 

Okay, a lesson in life with myself ends today! :)

memories that i now deemed as good memories

Again, memories could be deleted for a period of time, but places can activate the memories from the trash bin again.

I realized for 3 years, i have stopped going to Bras Basah graphic books store. I went there yesterday in hope to grab some lomo films at cheap price. Little did i know, it activated plenty of my memories. At that instance, there wasn't any anger but a wish that the friend really excel in his passion and be someone successful that will deemed his decision right.

Beside, sincerely hoping he will succeed and be famous, i realized i am filled with envious of him. Being able to go along with his passion, passing all the challenges to make the way there. Being able to read books you are in love with, be in a book store filled by your loves, how amazing and awesome is that.

I could only remembered the friend who is the only supportive one when i said i want to pursue FASHION, i remembered the friend who is the only encouraging one when we both had the same passion once too. And this friend make his words true to make it to study what the friend loves, but i wasn't even doing anything about it. I felt ashamed, but then again it was never too late to realise anything, isn't it?

Because of all the memories that i brought back, i dreamt of this friend. What a joke...

Rach said i was more optimistic comparing to years ago and months ago, however, i felt that i didn't change much still. And, all my guessings were all correct. Is funny when you reach a certain age, and friends and relatives start asking you, when are you getting hitched and related questions like that. But, if you are happy with what you have now, what you are doing now, and knowing how to make yourself happy and knowing what are your future plans, i figured there are nothing much to worry about. Although, there is a saying "Loneliness kills" but if you can turn the loneliness into some constructive, meaningful and happy, then everything is solved. Is just a traditional thinking to get married and settled down, isn't that so? Only settled down if that person is seriously, million times confirmed that he is the right one. As, it will defeated the purposes if you guys go your separate ways down the road.

Somehow, suddenly i feel that although we still shared the same values in life, but there are some thoughts in life, we were different. In her point of view, her stand makes sense however in my point of view, my stand is different.

I wanted to know what changes i had for rach to say i was more optimistic, because it will be a great compliment to me, as i figured my way out. I walked myself out of the dark path to see sunlight. i always thought she was the sunshine, the only one that is able to lead me out of the dark path, but i believe this time maybe i walked it out myself. And that will be satisfying to know and understand.

aha! when i read lesser, i have lesser thoughts, when i sort my thoughts out, i have lesser thoughts, when everything can be explained, the reason for my numerous posts during June. 

Recently, i am in love with tumblr.com. people who shared are simply awesome and i am exposed to more of the outside world. With this feeling, i really want to have a chance to roam around the world. As, you never know when is your last!

a tumblr i spotted. "The biggest regret ever", people from around the world are free to submit their biggest regret and they will help to post. A channel for sharing and learning. A place where it helps to wake people up, to tell the fortunate how fortunate they are and to tell the less fortunate that there are worse out there. So, i wanted to submit the biggest regret ever that happened in my mind, but my mind was blank. How do you define "biggest regret"? I have plenty of regrets in life, but i did not submit any because those are not the biggest regrets in my life yet. Because, somehow i feel that those mistakes or regrets made eventually make me learned something in life. 

regrets:

studying multimedia tech in poly

learned:

set of creative skills and brain

regrets:

accepting my uncle's offer to my first "unrelated" job

gained:

myself with the guidance of wise dictionary

regrets:

studying alternative - "marketing & advertising:

reasons:

no money left me with no choice

regrets:

letting the same person into my life 2 times

learned:

to protect myself 

gained:

i found myself

achievement:

letting the person into my life 2 times go

learned:

promises don't exists, lies are everywhere. friends are your biggest enemy!

Therefore, eventually i did not post regrets that has happened in my life. The only regret i have is " that i do not have the courage to ask her why she stopped teaching me and meeting up?" Because, she was the light in my path, but it blackout out of a sudden, with me trying to figure my way up without knowing what to expect in-front. 

Then i saw another post that i want to show it to someone else. "Pretend i am invisible"

Pretending your invisible.

Friend: “Hey, how are you?”

You: “Who are you talking to?”

Friend: “To you.”

You: “How do you know I am here?”

Friend: “What?”

You: “Please don’t pretend you don’t know I am invisible.”

Friend: “…”

You: “It’s always the same with you, always messing with me.”

Friend: “But…”

You: “No but, I am leaving. I hope you are happy now.”

 I find this rather amusing and is something that has been returning into my life. However, i have decided to put an end to things and hope for the better. Claiming to be the person that really understands me seems like a joke to me now. If that was so, there were so many comments about you which you shouldn't have said. Because, it seems like an act to bring me down.There are so many things that i want to do but feel that time is not enough and i do not have the ability to do so. I am scared that i won't live to see tomorrow as things happen unexpectedly. You can just be walking on the road when a faulty vehicle stormed at your direction, banged into you, and for you, that's the end of YOUR LIFE! A forgotten feeling for a person that i deemed to be 3/4 perfect!

I watched Nick's and Norah's Infinite Playlist movie and dawned upon me that, i have always been the one trying to find the similarities in other people as that of mine so that i can fit into their life, for 3 years i have said that "i have changed" but to realise i did not even change a single bit. I am still pleasing people in my life, because i want them to be my friends i tried to like what they like, because i like someone, i try to share the common interest to have a common topic, i am still who i am 3 years ago. It feels like a huge stone dropped down on my head, it feels like the answer of her departure and finally the answer why i have always been trying to find "her" in everyone. 

She is the one that i need not find any similarities in me to fit into hers because we shared alot of same habits, likings and fashion, she is the one who can be both my friend and a mentor. No wonder, i have been trying to find someone like her because there isn't anyone else like her in my circle of friends. For all my friends, i have to try to be interested in something else so that we won't be bored by silence. 

However, gradually i see a friend that we shared fairly common likings, fashions and insights........Having watching the movie, i gathered more of what i needed to do and stop trying to show interest in what other people like but instead show more interest in what i like and enjoy doing. As, i have discussed with myself before that, there are alot of category of friends around, however sadly to find out that none falls under the category that i wished to keep forever.......

i believe that was not "fond"

in everyday's life, people are constantly searching for something, be it success in work, happiness in family, affection in relationships and many more. The searching process might be rewarding or can be disheartening, however all will become an experience in life to be remembered.

I hope this will be my last post for this month and of this whole "fondness". I think i cooked up my own feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Pondering the reason why the liking, when there is nothing that matches my profile. Recently, there was a thought in my mind, if it was to find a replacement of "her" in others which might helps to explain the whole situation. Luckily, there are 2 more months i gave myself to forget.....I will try means and ways to do so.  And that's life, finding reasons to give up, finding reasons to preserve. However, the ultimate goal is to find the real reason for survival that gives you a reason to move on in life and to be seen alive in this world.

"My intuition never fails me" went up to be my msn nick. As, i feel that my intuition is very reliable that i can trust it without having doubts. Because, it never fails me through my years of life. 3 years ago, it gave me a sign asking me to stop acting like a fool, i heed its advice and i found myself back. This time, my intuition tells me a lot more things than just me, myself. It continues to show me the nature of human and i follow my gut feeling and intuition. Women's sixth sense is a very strong attributes that are in-born in us. Therefore, no one can deceive us with lies and promises.

A date we all remembered but pretend to forget.... 12 years of friendship was enough to etch that memorable date in our mind, however due to reasons, we are all trying very hard to forget. Finally, they feel it when for all that has been done, it was never appreciated. emails and words are fake, cos there wasn't any sincerity felt. I hope for the years i am alive and still in Singapore or even other countries, i will never want to bump into him on the road. A forgotten friend.....Actually,  i do not have descriptions to describe him anymore, i am neither angry nor hard feelings. I just feel that he is no longer a friend anymore.... i know his character a little better enough to know that he doesn't need any friends. My other friends are just being mean on words but if he really comes back, they will be the first to rush and meet him. 

A year has passed since the Legend - Micheal Jackson passed away. Time just pass so fast! Everything just seems like in a fast forward mode the past 1 year. Things might have been forgotten but legend can't be erase and forgot just like some other memories are able to do so. 

I know i jump a little random here and there, but i want to just jolt things down as and when i remembered. Recently, i am starting to miss my long hair which i had last year. So, i also gathered that and reckon Paulo's quote :"People are never satisfied. If they have little, they want more. If they have more, they want still more. Once they have more, they could be happy with little, but are incapable of making the slightest effort in that direction." Just like me, when i had short hair, i yearn for long hair, when i had long hair, i want my short hair back. Could never settle for either one.

And can someone tell me why FACEBOOK is so addictive?!! i don wished to be seen everyday on Facebook but i cannot stop myself from logging in as and when! irritating!

I just finished a book "The Valkyries" - Paulo. Althought, he mentioned a lot about magic and god in this story but viewing in another view, i am able to understand certain stuffs he wants to communicate through his story. 

In the story they talk about mentor and disciple, and every instant it reminded me of her. The things she used to taught me, there wasn't a need for us to meet very regularly, but it will always be an enriching lesson after every meeting for me. I gained a lot and she gives a lot. I have to say she is really good, because she understand the meaning of the story deeper than i do and is able to pass down her experience just like what was narrated in the books. She showed me the light, i followed her light and led my own path. 

There are fears that i don't wish to overcome and don't want to touch. I believe my first challenge will be to overcome the fear then i will be at another level again. But certain confession have to think through properly. 

I remembered rach said i was too comfortable in what i am doing therefore i do not wish to change anything. So, i mentioned about Starbucks job, that is not something i am comfortable with, i really wished i do not have to work over the weekends and sleep in and rest and sometimes do things i love. But, i can't because i have to pay for my own school fees. And i did mentioned that, if i don't work on weekends, what can i do? So she aggressively retorted that :"SEE! This is too comfortable with what you are doing" At that point of time, i didn't think much, but having such a tiring this weekend at a hectic store. The words she said flashed back and how could she said i was too comfortable when she knew from the start when i need the job, why i have not been able to leave the job and have always been trying to look for alternative for an easier job. Not that i didn't try. Having think back now, i am both angry and surprised why the aggressiveness from her that day.......

I went Page One on friday browsing the sections where i want to be. I got some books and thought this is the time when i want to start planning for my future. Starting from the creative and arts section, they are the reason why i went Page One instead of normal bookstore. I saw several advertising related books, picked them up and flipped them through. Is this what i want to do? Then i went to the fashion section when i spent time browsing through most of the books and chose the one that will be useful to me. Creative and arts is a very vague term and very hard to judge. Then i passed by the architecture section, i was never interested in how a building is build, never interested in the creativity of a building. But, 3 years ago, i tried to be interested to share the common topic, i tried to be fascinated by how creative a architect can design a building to be, i tried to admire some great works. But all of those were fakes, i have to TRY to like architecture. Although, it wasn't a very tiring chore as architecture is art-related but i hate myself for doing all this. I am disgusted with myself. I was so not myself back then. I have to try everything just to please. And that is when i lost myself....

Finally, i am very happy that Paulo's books were easily spotted in Page One with the littlest effort that i put in, i found his series of book. I spotted one book by Paulo - "Life". Inside were compilation of all his inspirational quotes of life and love from all this books. As, it wasn't sealed with plastic, i picked the book and sat down to read. First time, i am doing this in a bookstore. I basically finished the whole book of his inspirational quotes and saw a lot, a lot of meaningful ones that i really want to share. But, is really too many. I spotted this quote "No man is an island". She told me this before, so i believe she had already read a couple of Paulo Books before she recommended them to me. And there was where i concluded that, she chose me and not that i was lucky. she guided me through because she knows i was too clean with all the good thoughts. She chose me because i wasn't myself. So, she decided to show me the path. Now, she left without giving me any tasks. It also concluded that is either she feels that she has no more thing to give or she feels that it was not working on me. But, i think only now then i start to realise and see the whole picture. 

I didn't know reading in a bookstore is so peaceful. That's why i want a bookstore that opens 24 hours.... I should have a date with myself on fridays, perhaps once a fortnight or once a month.....

I met a regular customer that i didn't see him for like 1 years plus. I can see the shock on his face when he saw me as i have changed quite a bit this few years. So, we chatted as he mentioned that he stopped going Starbucks as our coffee was inconsistent and chose one of our competitors as theirs' was very consistent. I told him i totally agree with him, as different countries Starbucks taste different. Don't even need to mentioned different countries, different locations in Singapore, the Starbucks coffee is already not consistent. That's show 2 things, 1 positive and 1 negative. Positive - How branding can be so powerful to turn a coffee chain into a brand that everyone just want to be seen with. Therefore now, Starbucks is a brand more than a truly genuine coffee place. Negative - How sad that Starbucks changed their operational mission to be so commercialized and business minded that consumer insights means nothing to them anymore. 

From this chat with this customer, i realised that i am very interested in gathering consumer insights and their behavior before deciding a purchase. As, who are the real target audiences for the particular organizations. As, who they thought is might not be. Starbucks is trying to target everyone without having a main target. Eventually, when you follows all, you will end up following none......Maybe this is a part in advertising i can be involved that i will still end up in Advertising industry....

few days ago, we were talking about decisions-making and it will be tough when both decisions are too good to reject. Therefore, i mentioned before that this is not tough decision making but is tough to forgo which decisions. So, i think i wasn't in the right mind and told him :"talk to yourself, maybe you will find the answer". maybe he thinks i am crazy. haha. 

The mention of this incident keep recurring in my mind because i think maybe i said something wrong.. As, who in the right mind will talk to themselves?! Then, as i was in the middle of Paulo's book, it struck me that, i have been talking to myself unknowingly. There are times when i had to make decisions, so i will start asking myself a lot of questions. Which weighs the best then i will chose that, or why i shouldn't make the decision. So, all long i was talking to myself to assure myself that the decision i made is correct, to assure myself that i am right, to assure myself that i know myself. Maybe, i don't need her to assure me, but i need her to bring me to another level. Because i feel that i am stuck at this level and finds it difficult to climb up by myself. Or am i too dependent? 

rach mentioned that i was lazy because i failed to think in a lot of perspectives. I do not know how i gave her the impression that i did not think in many perspectives. But, in fact i did think in a lot of perspectives probably i just keep everything to myself. She aggressively said i was lazy, then at that point i thought i should feel angry at her for making such a harsh comment but then i just feel that to a certain extend, she doesn't truly know me well enough like she does. what rach knows might be only 50% of me. but then again, why do she has to know me 100% well enough. Everyone has their own secrets that they keep it to themselves, not even sharing with their closet friends or loves one. 

One more meeting, i think one more meeting with her, i will be able to find the answer..... awaiting the chance in august.....

only a few days has passed and i am here again! amazing month for me to have so many to write about. Maybe because i have been reading more things, therefore more thoughts, maybe i have been observing more, therefore more thoughts, maybe i have been thinking more, therefore more thoughts. and the maybe can just go on.....

there are certain things that i don't agree. if only she was around..... i have so many to talk to her about. I hope august comes soon, then at least i might have a reason but then i know the answer....

I read an article recently, the topic was "Single Ladies". With all the nagging and grumbling that i have been complaining about single, the ladies in the article suffered worst fate than me. Seriously, nothing is perfect in the world. and i mention before, you must have that imperfection to shine the perfection in you. How can anyone or anything be just perfect? Normally, is just the surface that we saw, what really goes on behind we don't know. 

Lady A, is a career woman from a rich family, however never meet the right guy that she could settle down. Therefore, she turned to food. And since then, she put on 30kg which somehow makes things worst. Lady B from an adopted family, suffered from breast cancer but with her optimistic views in life she managed to overcome the hurdle and fight the disease. And because of her sad life, she had attempted suicide a couple of times and now she is still alone. 

So, what makes being single so big deal? So long, you are happy with your life and know how to live happy life alone, then why is being single so big deal? Of cos, there are lonely times, but those are times that will pass and a new day comes again. It won't just freeze there and time just stopped forever. Of cos, sometimes you will still complain about single, but those are just grumbles that you want to voice it out to make yourself feel better. Then again, this will be over and a new cycle in life starts. So what's the real big deal of being single? Nobody should look down on single ladies!

I do have quite a few single ladies around me, they are actually over the marriage age, but what i admired them, is that, they still live life as per normal and won't think that it is a sad thing being single. Of cos, there are lonely times in their life, but i believe they have reached a pact with the lonely times and found a substitute to replace the lonely times. and i said, there is no best friends forever. friends will still say goodbye down the road and new ones will come by, this is a repeated cycle by itself. And, i have already come to terms with this. that was the last of me....

to some point that rach mentioned i am selfish because i want to protect myself, this i totally agree. who don't want to protect yourself? so i thought i made the same mistakes 3 times were good enough for me to really learned a lesson from the incident. So, my lesson learned from the incident was to protect myself. I am not entirely blaming the whole incident but at least i have to learn something out of the 3 same mistakes made over and over again. Is just that, all this time i am more cautions and do not want to be a fool again. I am not trying to find excuses for myself, but when you really think you are not good enough, then is really not good enough. And i do not want to think back hoping i can erase whatever i have done, or when i think back i feel disgusted by myself. i think i am trying to be myself.

I have a list of things to accomplish, yea and i think i should heed his advice to start planning now. So, at least i can start off whatever i want to do after i graduate. I have to list them down so i feel the satisfaction when i start striking them out one by one :)

perhaps this month is my blogging month and full of emotions and thoughts month. 

This is the 3rd time i am blogging for this month and looking at the history the most i have blogged for a month this few years is probably 4. Therefore, i am full of thoughts this June. 

i went to dig out a book that i used to carry and pen down all my thoughts and everything. So, i was flipping through each pages of hand written words and found out that i have grown up! Is interesting when you always looks at your past and realize a difference with the present. Taking dressing for example, 2 years ago i thought what i wore everyday was nice, stylish and pretty. But when i looked back at all the photos, i was scolding myself :"am i crazy? how come i wore that?" So, now i might think whatever i wear is fashionable stylish and nice, but maybe 5 years down the road when i look back, i will be scolding myself again :"what was i thinking to wear that and make me look so fat?". I believe this is an endless cycle that will keep on repeating in life. And every cycle is a lesson to be learned. 

Remembered that i received a book by Rach - "Be Happy". She knows a lot of my past and understand why i dwell on things so often that made me an unhappy person. However, i believe i learned how to be happy not from the book, but from incidents that happened in life. I let go of something i hold on so tightly 3 years ago. So, since then i learned how to let go slowly. That was the first big step that i took to be a happy person. So gradually, i understand the fact that there is really no point holding on to things that are not meant to be. Some might say, you didn't even trying how you know it was not meant to be. So, i found an answer yesterday while talking with my barista. I asked her why she didn't try, if you don't try you never know. Her answer: "PLAY SAFE". I believe she couldn't face the reality therefore she rather play safe than be adventurous. I will apply her PLAY SAFE mode on certain stuffs but yet be adventurous on things that i know eventually it will not hurt so deeply. Yes, i am selfish but because having been through the worst, you will never want to go through it again.. Sometimes, PLAY SAFE can make you a happier person. 

So i am still in the learning process to be happy. Meaning only think of things that make me happy. Everything happens for a reason. Like what Rach has mentioned, why let a past incident hold you on?

However, maybe in some points she sees it in a different way. The past  incident didn't held me up in any ways. Just that, it makes me see things in a different way and i learned a big lesson back there that explains the protective shell that i build it for myself. And wise dictionary simply enhance it to a greater level. 

I just want to be who i am......  

plenty of thoughts running in my mind recently. but, my wise dictionary has always been around. i am flipping through to find solutions as and when i needed it. a conversation we once shared while taking the train from hongkong to shenzhen.

People Judgement

I told her, i am always very bad at judging people because i always tend to make the wrong judgment. Some just has the talent and experience to judge someone by their body language, speech and actions. So, i ask her how do you judge someone?

Ans: Read more in depth rather than the surface. 

Recently, i picked up a book after stop reading for sometime. By Paulo Calheo - The Valkvires. It  mentioned something about "looking beyond the horizons". People always tend to see things that are only near to them or within a distance from them. But fail to see things that are beyond them. Therefore, it struck the conversation that i had with wise dictionary. And, sometimes i wonder did she read the book before she guided me along my path? As, there were similar practices that i had done like the lead in the book. Even if it is so, i am glad that i went through the process. In life, there is no shortcut to answer for your problems. you have to keep trying and trying until you master it and that will stick with you forever. Nobody is able to snatch it away.

So, i have learned since then. She guided me through. She won't tell me the definite answer but will ask me to activate my thinking mind. So, that was a practice for me to do. Sometimes it gets really tiring and you just want to stop thinking and wanting the answers to your questions. But that is also the part where you push yourself to another level when you never stop trying. I thought i forgot about that, but however it was already deeply etched in me that i was practicing all along. Therefore, i always ask myself a lot of questions before reaching to a conclusion. Body language tells a lot and i am seeing it now. And just as i were recalling all this incident, my cousin popped me questions about her job. So, i remembered how "Green" i was 3 years ago. There were this incident, we were doing our X'mas trip to Hongkong and Shenzhen. There were another colleague who went on the same tour with us and so the girlfriend had business associates over in China and invited us for dinner. They were businessman that has been in the industry for years. So, being "Green" i were quite scared and not knowing what to talk about and deep inside my heart i was praying that i do not need to open my mouth unless for food! haha... However, the China businessman could tell how "GREEN" i was when i have not even open my mouth to talk or even eat. He told my friend " 她應該很年輕吧，剛開始上班嗎？" So, my friend replied : "Yes, she is very young and this is her first job". This topic strike another conversation with wise dictionary. She pointed out things that i didnt read into. She said at one look at you, they knew you were "green" in the industry. Body language tells it all. However, change cannot be done immediately. Change is a constant on-going thing happening in life. So, before i knew anything, i spotted another change in me now. 

Experiences give a person different plenty sets of skills and knowledge. Unless you are really that good, if not experience is always something that will bring people somewhere. So, i gathered, no matter what kind of experience, bad or good, it will still turns out to be a positive set of skill and knowledge in life. Just that, you have to absorb it in and pick it up to be a skill of yours!

he amazed me once again. it truly tells that never judge a book by its cover and i got another insights which is never comment on the contents until you finished the whole book. I believe i only finished reading 1 chapter of him but there are like 12 more chapters for me to continue reading. However, i will not be able to finish this 12 chapters, because this book cannot be loan out of the library and there is the one and only book. I will never have a chance to finish that 12 chapters. 

Today, i took a preview of chapter 2 & 3 and find it very interesting to continue reading but like i said, it is a book that is not for loan. i could only get previews of it and will never have a chance to finish it. However, the preview for chapter 2 & 3 was so in-depth that instantly it made me realize a lot of things.

I have always been wanting to be able to share what i have gained in my life, what i have learned in my life to anybody, hoping that it will help them in someway. Ultimately, the small part in me wish to have something in return, like "thank you, you are the person that i will never forget" blah blah shits. But, in his preview, i saw another light. He willingly gave all he has and never asked for anything in return and even put the blame on himself if things goes wrong. I find it very interesting that when things go wrong, some people will put the blame on themselves instead of pushing it to the others. Sometimes, things are just not in your control and having giving out your best is the only thing you can assure yourself and credit yourself and not keep putting the blame on yourself. It is not easy to hypnotize yourself to do this. Whenever, i want to put the blame to other knowing outright that i am not at fault, sometimes i just can't help but to blame myself. if only i did this, if only i have done that, then problems will not happen. You took the blame to push yourself harder and set a higher expectations for yourself. 

Another preview teach me that again as i have once mentioned, nobody is so generous to share whatever they have gained in life. but for those who does, is because they hope that they are able to help people who needed help and not to fall in the same shoes as they did. They walked the longer way to where they are now and do not want to see potential people taking such a long road like they did. They hope they could save this people from some long walks and give them directions to go a shorter way. I truly admire them as only with vast experience you are able to do so. Without them, no matter how much you want to give, how much you wish you can share, it will not lead the people in need a shortcut road. 

This enlightened me to really share when i have more experiences and knowledge and not share because i want to do so. As, it might lead them a failed route having not being able to reach their ending point. Share only when you can and not when you want! We have a common point which is sharing and we never choose the person to share. Whether they are willing to hear or not willing to, we will share, as we feel that there are some things that they ought to know in life. It is really up to individual to restructure their thinking mind, decisions and actions. 

Suddenly, i have a goal in mind. I am giving myself another 2 years and within this 2 years i will gained as much knowledge and experiences i can. If i cannot find a reason to stay in Singapore within this 2 years, i will go! 

i really don't understand what was going through my mind past 2 weeks. I am feeling better now and see a bigger picture. Afterall, I didn't know how come i was so persistence for awhile. I was feeling terrible 2 weeks ago, but it got better now. 

It is certainly sad departing a class full of fun and laughter and with a really good awesome lecturer! He was more than a plain normal lecturer, he treated us like friends. I love the moments when he jokes in class and i will tag alone. As, i am a pretty lame person. But, sometimes i am impressed at how lame and crappy i can get. But, eventually, the whole class will burst into laughter. That's really fun. Wednesday was the last class with Jason and i certainly will miss him as a lecturer. I had never missed any of his lessons although the thoughts of skipping might be in my head, but action was always never executed. 

though, it marks the end of our teacher-students relationship, i believe our class can turn into friendship relationship. If Jason is my friend, i believe he is half of my wise dictionary. Although, his passion for advertising always motivate me and tells me that i have made the right choice, but the motivation didn't last long. Suddenly, i have no directions in life and clueless about what i want to do. 

Long story short - "If you know that this isn't the right thing, good thing and sense something wrong, chop immediately, you must know how to chop it fast!" Having listening to this, "Chop it fast!" i think, this would be another of my philosophy in life. This is a goal that i want to achieve after i graduate. Knowing what is right, what i really want and what i want to do. Chop it fast to those that will not contribute in my life and doesn't want to play a part in my life. I will chop it fast! good sentence! 

I will not hold on to things and people that i think that it will not work or is worthless. So, i will Chop it Fast! 

bye bye.

i wish to embark on a journey alone..

Everything should start small then grows big. So, if i want to embark on a journey alone, i should start small. She makes a good point, "because if you want something out of it, you will tend to feel more miserable". Yes, i admit i want something out of it, but it is a far-away hand to even touch it less grabbing it. And, i am not able to filter my thoughts out, so i divert my focus and attention to embarking a journey alone. 

Start small and grows big. Since, i was being dumped to be alone, i have always wanted to travel alone as well. But was always gunned down by friends around me. But friends are friends for a moment, there are still moments of departure. Friends that used to gun me down bid their farewell, as it just hints to me that " i can start a journey on my own " 

I didn't know that the key to the lock reappeared 3 years later. and neither did i expect the key was a wrong key. i became quite moody recently. gosh, the feeling is back! and i want to chase it away. 

I missed my chance but will it comes again. hahaha... what a joke! 

Sometimes, a chat with an old friend brings back beautiful, fun and happy memories.

Had a chat with an old friend whom we (a big group of us, a mixture of soccer players & netball players) used to hang out very often during poly life. Poly year 1 and 2 was my happiest times in life. We always hang out together, doing stupid things and having fun and just really be together to laugh and laugh and just laugh. There wasn't any worries on my mind but just want to be happy and friends are very important to me then. 

I changed. While we were chatting, i think i was pretty fast in reacting to the lameness and crappiness of my friend. Given the old me, i would just "What the hell, what the fuck! or basically just keep laughing if off" hahahha.. but yesterday i retorted every single things he said. So, is kinda of funny as i wasn't like this before. And he definitely brought back damn old and happy memories. Laughter & Happiness is the easiest thing to do but the hardest to achieve. sometimes, i have to admit that i miss the old me. 

he reminded me that he was the first funny friend i had! hahahahha, and in fact it is true. but i met another 2 after that. So, i think being funny is a talent itself as well. Cos, not everyone can be funny as they want to be. hahahaha.. i think the most thing i missed of my old me was the retarded laughter i used to have. hahahah. that was how i got famous in Sports Club. hahahah! because of that retarded laughter everyone knew me. how interesting is that. Girls usually get famous because of their hot figure, pretty faces but i got famous because of my retarded laughter! hahahah, really have to laugh it off. But, that was the happy times, and i really miss my retarded laughter which i am unable to have that again. Why nobody help to video my retarded laughter before. i forgot how it sounds like. But, i was once proud of my retarded laughter, because when i laugh everyone started laughing as well. So, making people around me happy makes me happy too! i was so simple that time. I think that was the best of me. :)

Laughter can be seen easy but a hard to do. I was looking at this cute little kid that keeps on laughing and laughing non stop while looking at the sister. Nobody was playing with him, but he can just laugh and laugh by himself. The scene makes me smile. How i envy kids that can laugh and laugh as and when they want, laugh and laugh like today never ends, laugh and laugh like their mind is as light as feather. How i wish i could be like them. Just laugh all my life. hahahha... seriously, wrong path taken. i should be working in childcare centre, everyday absorb the laughter from the children and i will be as happy as them. They will not give tough problems like adults do, they will not give trouble like adults do, they will not be able to reason as well like adults do. They are just harmless human beings. 

I am going to stop thinking of the far-fetched dreams but try to grab a dream that i think i can achieve for myself! Go! Go! Go!