perhaps this month is my blogging month and full of emotions and thoughts month. 

This is the 3rd time i am blogging for this month and looking at the history the most i have blogged for a month this few years is probably 4. Therefore, i am full of thoughts this June. 

i went to dig out a book that i used to carry and pen down all my thoughts and everything. So, i was flipping through each pages of hand written words and found out that i have grown up! Is interesting when you always looks at your past and realize a difference with the present. Taking dressing for example, 2 years ago i thought what i wore everyday was nice, stylish and pretty. But when i looked back at all the photos, i was scolding myself :"am i crazy? how come i wore that?" So, now i might think whatever i wear is fashionable stylish and nice, but maybe 5 years down the road when i look back, i will be scolding myself again :"what was i thinking to wear that and make me look so fat?". I believe this is an endless cycle that will keep on repeating in life. And every cycle is a lesson to be learned. 

Remembered that i received a book by Rach - "Be Happy". She knows a lot of my past and understand why i dwell on things so often that made me an unhappy person. However, i believe i learned how to be happy not from the book, but from incidents that happened in life. I let go of something i hold on so tightly 3 years ago. So, since then i learned how to let go slowly. That was the first big step that i took to be a happy person. So gradually, i understand the fact that there is really no point holding on to things that are not meant to be. Some might say, you didn't even trying how you know it was not meant to be. So, i found an answer yesterday while talking with my barista. I asked her why she didn't try, if you don't try you never know. Her answer: "PLAY SAFE". I believe she couldn't face the reality therefore she rather play safe than be adventurous. I will apply her PLAY SAFE mode on certain stuffs but yet be adventurous on things that i know eventually it will not hurt so deeply. Yes, i am selfish but because having been through the worst, you will never want to go through it again.. Sometimes, PLAY SAFE can make you a happier person. 

So i am still in the learning process to be happy. Meaning only think of things that make me happy. Everything happens for a reason. Like what Rach has mentioned, why let a past incident hold you on?

However, maybe in some points she sees it in a different way. The past  incident didn't held me up in any ways. Just that, it makes me see things in a different way and i learned a big lesson back there that explains the protective shell that i build it for myself. And wise dictionary simply enhance it to a greater level. 

I just want to be who i am......