Monday, June 28, 2010

i believe that was not "fond"

in everyday's life, people are constantly searching for something, be it success in work, happiness in family, affection in relationships and many more. The searching process might be rewarding or can be disheartening, however all will become an experience in life to be remembered.

I hope this will be my last post for this month and of this whole "fondness". I think i cooked up my own feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Pondering the reason why the liking, when there is nothing that matches my profile. Recently, there was a thought in my mind, if it was to find a replacement of "her" in others which might helps to explain the whole situation. Luckily, there are 2 more months i gave myself to forget.....I will try means and ways to do so.  And that's life, finding reasons to give up, finding reasons to preserve. However, the ultimate goal is to find the real reason for survival that gives you a reason to move on in life and to be seen alive in this world.

"My intuition never fails me" went up to be my msn nick. As, i feel that my intuition is very reliable that i can trust it without having doubts. Because, it never fails me through my years of life. 3 years ago, it gave me a sign asking me to stop acting like a fool, i heed its advice and i found myself back. This time, my intuition tells me a lot more things than just me, myself. It continues to show me the nature of human and i follow my gut feeling and intuition. Women's sixth sense is a very strong attributes that are in-born in us. Therefore, no one can deceive us with lies and promises.

A date we all remembered but pretend to forget.... 12 years of friendship was enough to etch that memorable date in our mind, however due to reasons, we are all trying very hard to forget. Finally, they feel it when for all that has been done, it was never appreciated. emails and words are fake, cos there wasn't any sincerity felt. I hope for the years i am alive and still in Singapore or even other countries, i will never want to bump into him on the road. A forgotten friend.....Actually,  i do not have descriptions to describe him anymore, i am neither angry nor hard feelings. I just feel that he is no longer a friend anymore.... i know his character a little better enough to know that he doesn't need any friends. My other friends are just being mean on words but if he really comes back, they will be the first to rush and meet him. 

A year has passed since the Legend - Micheal Jackson passed away. Time just pass so fast! Everything just seems like in a fast forward mode the past 1 year. Things might have been forgotten but legend can't be erase and forgot just like some other memories are able to do so. 

I know i jump a little random here and there, but i want to just jolt things down as and when i remembered. Recently, i am starting to miss my long hair which i had last year. So, i also gathered that and reckon Paulo's quote :"People are never satisfied. If they have little, they want more. If they have more, they want still more. Once they have more, they could be happy with little, but are incapable of making the slightest effort in that direction." Just like me, when i had short hair, i yearn for long hair, when i had long hair, i want my short hair back. Could never settle for either one.

And can someone tell me why FACEBOOK is so addictive?!! i don wished to be seen everyday on Facebook but i cannot stop myself from logging in as and when! irritating!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I just finished a book "The Valkyries" - Paulo. Althought, he mentioned a lot about magic and god in this story but viewing in another view, i am able to understand certain stuffs he wants to communicate through his story. 

In the story they talk about mentor and disciple, and every instant it reminded me of her. The things she used to taught me, there wasn't a need for us to meet very regularly, but it will always be an enriching lesson after every meeting for me. I gained a lot and she gives a lot. I have to say she is really good, because she understand the meaning of the story deeper than i do and is able to pass down her experience just like what was narrated in the books. She showed me the light, i followed her light and led my own path. 

There are fears that i don't wish to overcome and don't want to touch. I believe my first challenge will be to overcome the fear then i will be at another level again. But certain confession have to think through properly. 

I remembered rach said i was too comfortable in what i am doing therefore i do not wish to change anything. So, i mentioned about Starbucks job, that is not something i am comfortable with, i really wished i do not have to work over the weekends and sleep in and rest and sometimes do things i love. But, i can't because i have to pay for my own school fees. And i did mentioned that, if i don't work on weekends, what can i do? So she aggressively retorted that :"SEE! This is too comfortable with what you are doing" At that point of time, i didn't think much, but having such a tiring this weekend at a hectic store. The words she said flashed back and how could she said i was too comfortable when she knew from the start when i need the job, why i have not been able to leave the job and have always been trying to look for alternative for an easier job. Not that i didn't try. Having think back now, i am both angry and surprised why the aggressiveness from her that day.......

I went Page One on friday browsing the sections where i want to be. I got some books and thought this is the time when i want to start planning for my future. Starting from the creative and arts section, they are the reason why i went Page One instead of normal bookstore. I saw several advertising related books, picked them up and flipped them through. Is this what i want to do? Then i went to the fashion section when i spent time browsing through most of the books and chose the one that will be useful to me. Creative and arts is a very vague term and very hard to judge. Then i passed by the architecture section, i was never interested in how a building is build, never interested in the creativity of a building. But, 3 years ago, i tried to be interested to share the common topic, i tried to be fascinated by how creative a architect can design a building to be, i tried to admire some great works. But all of those were fakes, i have to TRY to like architecture. Although, it wasn't a very tiring chore as architecture is art-related but i hate myself for doing all this. I am disgusted with myself. I was so not myself back then. I have to try everything just to please. And that is when i lost myself....
Finally, i am very happy that Paulo's books were easily spotted in Page One with the littlest effort that i put in, i found his series of book. I spotted one book by Paulo - "Life". Inside were compilation of all his inspirational quotes of life and love from all this books. As, it wasn't sealed with plastic, i picked the book and sat down to read. First time, i am doing this in a bookstore. I basically finished the whole book of his inspirational quotes and saw a lot, a lot of meaningful ones that i really want to share. But, is really too many. I spotted this quote "No man is an island". She told me this before, so i believe she had already read a couple of Paulo Books before she recommended them to me. And there was where i concluded that, she chose me and not that i was lucky. she guided me through because she knows i was too clean with all the good thoughts. She chose me because i wasn't myself. So, she decided to show me the path. Now, she left without giving me any tasks. It also concluded that is either she feels that she has no more thing to give or she feels that it was not working on me. But, i think only now then i start to realise and see the whole picture. 

I didn't know reading in a bookstore is so peaceful. That's why i want a bookstore that opens 24 hours.... I should have a date with myself on fridays, perhaps once a fortnight or once a month.....

I met a regular customer that i didn't see him for like 1 years plus. I can see the shock on his face when he saw me as i have changed quite a bit this few years. So, we chatted as he mentioned that he stopped going Starbucks as our coffee was inconsistent and chose one of our competitors as theirs' was very consistent. I told him i totally agree with him, as different countries Starbucks taste different. Don't even need to mentioned different countries, different locations in Singapore, the Starbucks coffee is already not consistent. That's show 2 things, 1 positive and 1 negative. Positive - How branding can be so powerful to turn a coffee chain into a brand that everyone just want to be seen with. Therefore now, Starbucks is a brand more than a truly genuine coffee place. Negative - How sad that Starbucks changed their operational mission to be so commercialized and business minded that consumer insights means nothing to them anymore. 

From this chat with this customer, i realised that i am very interested in gathering consumer insights and their behavior before deciding a purchase. As, who are the real target audiences for the particular organizations. As, who they thought is might not be. Starbucks is trying to target everyone without having a main target. Eventually, when you follows all, you will end up following none......Maybe this is a part in advertising i can be involved that i will still end up in Advertising industry....

Thursday, June 17, 2010

few days ago, we were talking about decisions-making and it will be tough when both decisions are too good to reject. Therefore, i mentioned before that this is not tough decision making but is tough to forgo which decisions. So, i think i wasn't in the right mind and told him :"talk to yourself, maybe you will find the answer". maybe he thinks i am crazy. haha. 

The mention of this incident keep recurring in my mind because i think maybe i said something wrong.. As, who in the right mind will talk to themselves?! Then, as i was in the middle of Paulo's book, it struck me that, i have been talking to myself unknowingly. There are times when i had to make decisions, so i will start asking myself a lot of questions. Which weighs the best then i will chose that, or why i shouldn't make the decision. So, all long i was talking to myself to assure myself that the decision i made is correct, to assure myself that i am right, to assure myself that i know myself. Maybe, i don't need her to assure me, but i need her to bring me to another level. Because i feel that i am stuck at this level and finds it difficult to climb up by myself. Or am i too dependent? 

rach mentioned that i was lazy because i failed to think in a lot of perspectives. I do not know how i gave her the impression that i did not think in many perspectives. But, in fact i did think in a lot of perspectives probably i just keep everything to myself. She aggressively said i was lazy, then at that point i thought i should feel angry at her for making such a harsh comment but then i just feel that to a certain extend, she doesn't truly know me well enough like she does. what rach knows might be only 50% of me. but then again, why do she has to know me 100% well enough. Everyone has their own secrets that they keep it to themselves, not even sharing with their closet friends or loves one. 

One more meeting, i think one more meeting with her, i will be able to find the answer..... awaiting the chance in august.....

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

only a few days has passed and i am here again! amazing month for me to have so many to write about. Maybe because i have been reading more things, therefore more thoughts, maybe i have been observing more, therefore more thoughts, maybe i have been thinking more, therefore more thoughts. and the maybe can just go on.....

there are certain things that i don't agree. if only she was around..... i have so many to talk to her about. I hope august comes soon, then at least i might have a reason but then i know the answer....

I read an article recently, the topic was "Single Ladies". With all the nagging and grumbling that i have been complaining about single, the ladies in the article suffered worst fate than me. Seriously, nothing is perfect in the world. and i mention before, you must have that imperfection to shine the perfection in you. How can anyone or anything be just perfect? Normally, is just the surface that we saw, what really goes on behind we don't know. 

Lady A, is a career woman from a rich family, however never meet the right guy that she could settle down. Therefore, she turned to food. And since then, she put on 30kg which somehow makes things worst. Lady B from an adopted family, suffered from breast cancer but with her optimistic views in life she managed to overcome the hurdle and fight the disease. And because of her sad life, she had attempted suicide a couple of times and now she is still alone. 

So, what makes being single so big deal? So long, you are happy with your life and know how to live happy life alone, then why is being single so big deal? Of cos, there are lonely times, but those are times that will pass and a new day comes again. It won't just freeze there and time just stopped forever. Of cos, sometimes you will still complain about single, but those are just grumbles that you want to voice it out to make yourself feel better. Then again, this will be over and a new cycle in life starts. So what's the real big deal of being single? Nobody should look down on single ladies!

I do have quite a few single ladies around me, they are actually over the marriage age, but what i admired them, is that, they still live life as per normal and won't think that it is a sad thing being single. Of cos, there are lonely times in their life, but i believe they have reached a pact with the lonely times and found a substitute to replace the lonely times. and i said, there is no best friends forever. friends will still say goodbye down the road and new ones will come by, this is a repeated cycle by itself. And, i have already come to terms with this. that was the last of me....

to some point that rach mentioned i am selfish because i want to protect myself, this i totally agree. who don't want to protect yourself? so i thought i made the same mistakes 3 times were good enough for me to really learned a lesson from the incident. So, my lesson learned from the incident was to protect myself. I am not entirely blaming the whole incident but at least i have to learn something out of the 3 same mistakes made over and over again. Is just that, all this time i am more cautions and do not want to be a fool again. I am not trying to find excuses for myself, but when you really think you are not good enough, then is really not good enough. And i do not want to think back hoping i can erase whatever i have done, or when i think back i feel disgusted by myself. i think i am trying to be myself.

I have a list of things to accomplish, yea and i think i should heed his advice to start planning now. So, at least i can start off whatever i want to do after i graduate. I have to list them down so i feel the satisfaction when i start striking them out one by one :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

perhaps this month is my blogging month and full of emotions and thoughts month. 

This is the 3rd time i am blogging for this month and looking at the history the most i have blogged for a month this few years is probably 4. Therefore, i am full of thoughts this June. 

i went to dig out a book that i used to carry and pen down all my thoughts and everything. So, i was flipping through each pages of hand written words and found out that i have grown up! Is interesting when you always looks at your past and realize a difference with the present. Taking dressing for example, 2 years ago i thought what i wore everyday was nice, stylish and pretty. But when i looked back at all the photos, i was scolding myself :"am i crazy? how come i wore that?" So, now i might think whatever i wear is fashionable stylish and nice, but maybe 5 years down the road when i look back, i will be scolding myself again :"what was i thinking to wear that and make me look so fat?". I believe this is an endless cycle that will keep on repeating in life. And every cycle is a lesson to be learned. 
Remembered that i received a book by Rach - "Be Happy". She knows a lot of my past and understand why i dwell on things so often that made me an unhappy person. However, i believe i learned how to be happy not from the book, but from incidents that happened in life. I let go of something i hold on so tightly 3 years ago. So, since then i learned how to let go slowly. That was the first big step that i took to be a happy person. So gradually, i understand the fact that there is really no point holding on to things that are not meant to be. Some might say, you didn't even trying how you know it was not meant to be. So, i found an answer yesterday while talking with my barista. I asked her why she didn't try, if you don't try you never know. Her answer: "PLAY SAFE". I believe she couldn't face the reality therefore she rather play safe than be adventurous. I will apply her PLAY SAFE mode on certain stuffs but yet be adventurous on things that i know eventually it will not hurt so deeply. Yes, i am selfish but because having been through the worst, you will never want to go through it again.. Sometimes, PLAY SAFE can make you a happier person. 

So i am still in the learning process to be happy. Meaning only think of things that make me happy. Everything happens for a reason. Like what Rach has mentioned, why let a past incident hold you on?

However, maybe in some points she sees it in a different way. The past  incident didn't held me up in any ways. Just that, it makes me see things in a different way and i learned a big lesson back there that explains the protective shell that i build it for myself. And wise dictionary simply enhance it to a greater level. 

I just want to be who i am......  

Friday, June 11, 2010

plenty of thoughts running in my mind recently. but, my wise dictionary has always been around. i am flipping through to find solutions as and when i needed it. a conversation we once shared while taking the train from hongkong to shenzhen.

People Judgement
I told her, i am always very bad at judging people because i always tend to make the wrong judgment. Some just has the talent and experience to judge someone by their body language, speech and actions. So, i ask her how do you judge someone?
Ans: Read more in depth rather than the surface. 

Recently, i picked up a book after stop reading for sometime. By Paulo Calheo - The Valkvires. It  mentioned something about "looking beyond the horizons". People always tend to see things that are only near to them or within a distance from them. But fail to see things that are beyond them. Therefore, it struck the conversation that i had with wise dictionary. And, sometimes i wonder did she read the book before she guided me along my path? As, there were similar practices that i had done like the lead in the book. Even if it is so, i am glad that i went through the process. In life, there is no shortcut to answer for your problems. you have to keep trying and trying until you master it and that will stick with you forever. Nobody is able to snatch it away.

So, i have learned since then. She guided me through. She won't tell me the definite answer but will ask me to activate my thinking mind. So, that was a practice for me to do. Sometimes it gets really tiring and you just want to stop thinking and wanting the answers to your questions. But that is also the part where you push yourself to another level when you never stop trying. I thought i forgot about that, but however it was already deeply etched in me that i was practicing all along. Therefore, i always ask myself a lot of questions before reaching to a conclusion. Body language tells a lot and i am seeing it now. And just as i were recalling all this incident, my cousin popped me questions about her job. So, i remembered how "Green" i was 3 years ago. There were this incident, we were doing our X'mas trip to Hongkong and Shenzhen. There were another colleague who went on the same tour with us and so the girlfriend had business associates over in China and invited us for dinner. They were businessman that has been in the industry for years. So, being "Green" i were quite scared and not knowing what to talk about and deep inside my heart i was praying that i do not need to open my mouth unless for food! haha... However, the China businessman could tell how "GREEN" i was when i have not even open my mouth to talk or even eat. He told my friend " 她應該很年輕吧,剛開始上班嗎?" So, my friend replied : "Yes, she is very young and this is her first job". This topic strike another conversation with wise dictionary. She pointed out things that i didnt read into. She said at one look at you, they knew you were "green" in the industry. Body language tells it all. However, change cannot be done immediately. Change is a constant on-going thing happening in life. So, before i knew anything, i spotted another change in me now. 

Experiences give a person different plenty sets of skills and knowledge. Unless you are really that good, if not experience is always something that will bring people somewhere. So, i gathered, no matter what kind of experience, bad or good, it will still turns out to be a positive set of skill and knowledge in life. Just that, you have to absorb it in and pick it up to be a skill of yours!

Saturday, June 05, 2010

he amazed me once again. it truly tells that never judge a book by its cover and i got another insights which is never comment on the contents until you finished the whole book. I believe i only finished reading 1 chapter of him but there are like 12 more chapters for me to continue reading. However, i will not be able to finish this 12 chapters, because this book cannot be loan out of the library and there is the one and only book. I will never have a chance to finish that 12 chapters. 

Today, i took a preview of chapter 2 & 3 and find it very interesting to continue reading but like i said, it is a book that is not for loan. i could only get previews of it and will never have a chance to finish it. However, the preview for chapter 2 & 3 was so in-depth that instantly it made me realize a lot of things.
I have always been wanting to be able to share what i have gained in my life, what i have learned in my life to anybody, hoping that it will help them in someway. Ultimately, the small part in me wish to have something in return, like "thank you, you are the person that i will never forget" blah blah shits. But, in his preview, i saw another light. He willingly gave all he has and never asked for anything in return and even put the blame on himself if things goes wrong. I find it very interesting that when things go wrong, some people will put the blame on themselves instead of pushing it to the others. Sometimes, things are just not in your control and having giving out your best is the only thing you can assure yourself and credit yourself and not keep putting the blame on yourself. It is not easy to hypnotize yourself to do this. Whenever, i want to put the blame to other knowing outright that i am not at fault, sometimes i just can't help but to blame myself. if only i did this, if only i have done that, then problems will not happen. You took the blame to push yourself harder and set a higher expectations for yourself. 

Another preview teach me that again as i have once mentioned, nobody is so generous to share whatever they have gained in life. but for those who does, is because they hope that they are able to help people who needed help and not to fall in the same shoes as they did. They walked the longer way to where they are now and do not want to see potential people taking such a long road like they did. They hope they could save this people from some long walks and give them directions to go a shorter way. I truly admire them as only with vast experience you are able to do so. Without them, no matter how much you want to give, how much you wish you can share, it will not lead the people in need a shortcut road. 

This enlightened me to really share when i have more experiences and knowledge and not share because i want to do so. As, it might lead them a failed route having not being able to reach their ending point. Share only when you can and not when you want! We have a common point which is sharing and we never choose the person to share. Whether they are willing to hear or not willing to, we will share, as we feel that there are some things that they ought to know in life. It is really up to individual to restructure their thinking mind, decisions and actions. 

Suddenly, i have a goal in mind. I am giving myself another 2 years and within this 2 years i will gained as much knowledge and experiences i can. If i cannot find a reason to stay in Singapore within this 2 years, i will go! 

Friday, June 04, 2010

i really don't understand what was going through my mind past 2 weeks. I am feeling better now and see a bigger picture. Afterall, I didn't know how come i was so persistence for awhile. I was feeling terrible 2 weeks ago, but it got better now. 

It is certainly sad departing a class full of fun and laughter and with a really good awesome lecturer! He was more than a plain normal lecturer, he treated us like friends. I love the moments when he jokes in class and i will tag alone. As, i am a pretty lame person. But, sometimes i am impressed at how lame and crappy i can get. But, eventually, the whole class will burst into laughter. That's really fun. Wednesday was the last class with Jason and i certainly will miss him as a lecturer. I had never missed any of his lessons although the thoughts of skipping might be in my head, but action was always never executed. 

though, it marks the end of our teacher-students relationship, i believe our class can turn into friendship relationship. If Jason is my friend, i believe he is half of my wise dictionary. Although, his passion for advertising always motivate me and tells me that i have made the right choice, but the motivation didn't last long. Suddenly, i have no directions in life and clueless about what i want to do. 

Long story short - "If you know that this isn't the right thing, good thing and sense something wrong, chop immediately, you must know how to chop it fast!" Having listening to this, "Chop it fast!" i think, this would be another of my philosophy in life. This is a goal that i want to achieve after i graduate. Knowing what is right, what i really want and what i want to do. Chop it fast to those that will not contribute in my life and doesn't want to play a part in my life. I will chop it fast! good sentence! 

I will not hold on to things and people that i think that it will not work or is worthless. So, i will Chop it Fast! 
bye bye.