sometimes i wish i could just forget all those unhappy memories.....

what a bad week for me! i was reading some passed, and realise it drag on for a year already. a year again. a year for a silly mistake again. a year i thought was a chance. a year to be a fool. alright, guess had enough. i guess is all over.. i might be sad for a period but i believe i will be over it. cos i should be the one controlling my emotional and feelings and not let anyone else have the control right? okay, whatever not in the mood for good sentences.please go away! yes!

puzzled, need not feel puzzled cos i am more puzzled than you are..

for certain things, i am brave enough to fight for it, cos i know i will not lost anything while trying but i will certainly lose something if i don't. however, for other things, i will lost something if i don't try but i guess i will lose more if i try. ha... confusing but i understand what i am trying to tell myself. guess, just let me console myself and let me feel better. cos things were already bad and has become worse.
now, i guess my whole life will be just about myself. and more about myself. others can be so selfish to just think about themselves. why can't i do the same? what do i gain if i care more for others, in the end, i am the one who end up getting hurt... so i should be evil and heartless... how come the more i say, the more serious this matter seems to be... nahz, it just a trivial matter.


kids are so easily amused. and the satisfaction you get from it is so much and so fast and you could just see them immediate reaction to your expression. thats why kids appear to be so navie and harmless. that's the best part of being kids, isn't it? the older you get, the more damn problems you tend to face, to worry and have to challenge for! but that's being life.....

i am looking so far in front hoping life will be better and get away from what's not belong to me.

i will be happier....

sometime i wish i am confident enough......


oh ya, i haven mentioned about attending my primary's school fren' s 21st birthday party....wow!! it was pretty amazing, as we could still gather quite a number of our gang that we hang out frequently with...it was good seeing everybody doing so well...some even brought along their the other half....i guess sooner or later, i will be attending wedding dinners instead...some of my primary school mates said i changed, which i thought it was pretty true...but they mentioned that my chinese sounded different....but that's not true...how could i change my chinese which all along i speak like that...and finally i have to face lydia...haha...and ya saw here...from her,i also realise something... your the other half is none other than being your best fren...talk about everything under the sun...share almost everything... and accompany each other wherever the other half goes....but in relationship, there bound to be one party that will lose out... cos in a relationship you either have the upper hand or you just die under the upper hand....either you control the relationship or you are being controlled....either you are the one who is always giving in or the one whos always just receiving it....when it comes to love, i believe there's no equality.

i am looking far towards my dream...and really wish for it to really come true...i can't wait for next year to come..i can't wait for it to start... i can't wait for what i want to really come true...maybe i could get back on track and get focus on what i want and stop dreaming of things that will never happen....

like i said, if it happen, it is just a bonus, if it doesn't maybe it is destiny that have to stay this way.....

best friends....what made best friend? i found that, that i suck at consoling my bestie.... i suck at doing nothing for her.... i suck at being her friend.... hmmm... i guess if i am not with her yest, i will never really know how sad she will be...how bad the whole situation is...... i wish i could do something to make her feel better..... but i am sorry fren....didnt manage to be of help....

alright some primary school peeps::




thank you....

sometimes i wish i could be deeply in love.........


recently, i have this "wishlist" and the list keeps going longer....i have plenty of things to get...plenty of stuffs i wish to have although i am poor... let's take a peek at my wishlist....
:- "banana republic bag/wallet"
:- "1st gen black ipod nano"
:- "fisheye camera"
:- "a hongkong getaway"
:- "everlast shoes"
:- "nautica watch"

if the list still goes on...i think i really need to declare bankrupt!! haha...god...how come nothing is cheap in my wishlist? haha...oh ya, did i mention i was into this Sudoku craze...i have this sudoku book with me and i play it in the train which my friend think that i should stop being like one typical working adults that gets bore taking the train!! but it is a very good tool for killing time...and to gain satisfaction... is not that easy to really solve the puzzle...it killed plenty of my brain cells...haha.... anyway, meeting once a week with jiayi is really not enough....why didn't i realise what she is going through? but think that her life now is perfect!!... guess i am not a very good friend still... why are her other frens wary yet i encourage? argh!! but i am really happy that she is my dear good fren...that's the best part about poly life....where we go thru thick and thin....been thru the hell and heaven....and really with no motives for being friends and just wanna be friends....so if people ask me what i gain from poly...that will be friends!! friends and plenty of friends....


alright, today is Happy National Day but i don't feel happy or excited at all...however on the other hand, foreigners get so much more excited than what a singaporean should feel. i was on the lift with 2 ang mohs, and they were like discussing where to catch the fireworks and was so excited about the national day parade. but why i don't feel anything at all? i am just thankful that today is a public holiday and i need not slogged in the office...damn!!

i once love fireworks....like i mentioned so long ago that fireworks is beautiful but could only last for a few moments...that few moments brought alot of happiness and promises and smiles in millions of people's faces. couple may choose this romantic moment to tie their knots, family get around to share the happiness and joyous moment of this short moment.... as,it is rare to see fireworks in singapore, that became what people would wish for. long ago, i already feel that my life is meaningless... but i just realize something. though my life is empty now, but i am feeling empty in search of being filled....i am waiting for what i desire to come true....somehow deep in my heart, i believe that will happen although bad luck is always sticking with me....but if i didn't have bad luck how am i supposed to know i am in luck? make sense? haha... and i can't stand it anymore...please please...i wanna get away...


when love become feelings.....
when yearning become habits....
when letting go is just a click away....
when...........................................................

sometimes i wish i can wander around the world.

it has been a week. week by week will passed this way. i will then feel useless week by week, day by day! why did my path turn out to be like this? but i guess, it did widen by circle of friends, help broaden by knowledge. i came to realize something, or is it that i am that easily being influenced. she told me :" to phrase it in a blunt way, i don't thing i need friends, cos friend's presence is just a tool that allow us to make use of" if, you want to describe it in a more crude and blunt and impolite manner, yes, this is what it can be describe as. at the first place, why do we need friends? cos we want their attention, their care and concern and their time. so, by right, is we making use of friends. find them when we encountered problems, hoping they would lend either a helping hand or a pair of listening ear? somehow, someway, i do agree this saying. but to think again one big round. people do need friends. when she was telling me she doesn't have any friends. not even a close ones. i do find it hard to believe. cos, a person bound to have one or two good friends whom they can confide in, they can seek solutions from or just have some gossiping sessions with. how could someone really live without a friend? i am amazed! i do look up to her in someway. she appear to be strong and independent. those kind of modern woman and at the same time stylish! cool!

i am tired...really tired...could i just quit it all, quit it off....i am really unhappy that i am unable to fulfil things that i want to do. i am unhappy that i am not able to do what i really have love for...i am sad that i am stuck...i am fucking angry that i have to go through all this....why can't they just leave me alone...i didn't mean to give them face, talk to them in that manner. but the thoughts of them putting me in this situation really anger me that much till i don know how i should face or talk to them anymore. and i really wanna go away alone... it may be scary.... but i want to try.... was telling le that it may be my one and only time. who knows, i may hate to travel alone again!! haha....i hate the things i am doing right now! seriously hate! fucking hate! bloody hate!!

u guys know somethings, " thoughts are for free!" why do i say this? cos i do not need to pay for what i am thinking. cos i have been thinking alot and alot...and every time after all my thoughts, i tell myself :" alright, this time i am going to do just that! i am going just go it all out!" but i guess when it comes to action, i might be a tortoise and hide back inside the protected shell!! how nice if we have to pay, to think on any single things, then i would consider properly before i really want to think! haha...

why am i a Singaporean? then again, there is it's pros and cons. but how i wish my birth country is Australia or California which i could live my desire live... but things will be different then.... maybe i still don get the fact that my life now is actually not bad....maybe i must lose something to gain another...maybe i must make a mistake to realize my wrongs....maybe i have to take the step to give up the whole flights...maybe i have to be brave to realize i am actually a coward...maybe, ah fuck it, stop maybe-ing...... money won't drop if i continue sitting here, my dreams won't realize if my ass is still stuck on the chair.... things just won't happen if i do nothing.

i am disappointed.... being sad over it.... very disappointed over it...maybe it's just not important at all!! i am just someone to call when free....someone to waste time on when free....ah, anyway, shoot it out and die it....

alright, there's this damn hot damn hot guy that the 3 of us spotted in our building...he is way too hot!! boiling hot at 200 degrees C!! alright, my lovely pictures time!!

love this skirt!!please heal my dark circles!!

i s i t th e w a y th i ng s go i ng to e n d?
w ha t d oes it al l mean?
i a m ti red wor n o ut