sometimes i wish i wasn't a fool.

i feel like a fool again. every time it happens, i feel utterly ashamed and disappointed.i hate it when it occurs on the same people again! why must i get the same treatment yet again? let me go! the feeling sucks! feelin of the unknown,the confused,the "thought i am know everything" makes me pukes. is so yucky. how a stupid fool am i? being over it once,twice yet another time. how can a person not learn her lesson and fell for it over and over again. or is it that it plains off. it went off.but...alright...i am a fool.

i wish there's a hot guy there waiting to date me. haha! that must be a joke.a hot guy for me? that must be a present from heaven. haha!no good luck will fall on me. maybe i did many many bad things. that's why there is no good luck for me.

recently, i feel that there is some warmth around this hectic,busy city of Singapore. people letting out their seats for the needy or elderly, people giving way to each other. that should be the way life is. when you help each other out, this world will be a beautiful world and thus, you yourself will feeling happier and brighter and lighter. sometimes, too much of burdens to shoulder is quite a pain in the ass.

i believe that without any hopes there won't be disappointment. so i have been telling myself repeatedly not to hope on things that won't happen, not to hope that this or that will happen, not to hope to not have disappointment. then, i will be a happier and cheerful person. i am always describe as cheerful and cute cos i am no where near pretty and beautiful. ha!so i don't wanna think and i don't wanna hope.but controversially,people does live on hope. without hopes, some find it hard to survive. some patients need to believe that there is hope for them to carry on living. people live towards hope, people live for hopes to happen. people just believe in hopes.

amazing that i have become the target. i am afraid that my passion for my dreams will die off gradually. cos recently, i reach the bottom peak of my life. nothing means anything to me anymore. i just don't care about anything. and i am tired of meeting people. tired of seeing people. tired of talking. i want to be alone. i want to have peace around me.

i am a total loser. a freaking useless loser.always telling myself to stop it, but i just can't do it. what a useless idiotic loser i am . i hate myself being like this. it actually heal, but.....on the whole, i am to blame for being a loser. cos i wish for it. heaven actually grant me my wish. i thought i am able to take it. but i was wrong about myself. i couldn't endure anymore.i want to be locked up in my own whole. i want to be locked up with the people that make me happy. i only want to be locked up with things that make me smile. i only want to be locked up maybe with some hot guys! ha! *slap me please!

i t's th e en d ;

if it doesn't belongs to you, then it never will.

sometimes i wish to disappear.

Yeah! yeah! it feels so good damn good to have a new working black cool KEYBOARD!! finally, went to change the previous keyboard that i got which was faulty. that's was a damn bad luck. i wonder since when , bad luck has been sticky with me all this year. ever since, i understand the meaning of good luck, i know that it will never happens on me, and i realize that bad luck has been surrounding me. have you ever felt so bad luck before?
what did i did to have this life? did i not work hard for it? no no, is that i got no financial status to provide my life. money doesn't appear to be a big deal of thing for me in the past. but it has definitely been for now. i have so many dreams i want to fulfill, but without money there is no way for me to fulfill my dreams. am i that money-minded? yes, i guess so.

every time i felt some unhappiness at work, i will blame them. they threw me there, they dumped me there, they just abandoned me there without caring about what i feel. i FUCKING hate it! though bad luck is always around me, i am okie with that, cos heaven is unfair. but then, i never felt so stupid before. there isn't any single thing i could do it right. to me, my responsibilities is FUCKING simple and easy,yet i keep making mistakes. Stupid idiotic mistakes!
i hate that feeling. i don't want to do things not right, i never felt like a fucking fool before. damn it! funny isn't it. people like me study multimedia technology yet my job now is some account assistant. WHERE THE HELL IS THE LINK?? WHERE?? i regret alot of things now. i regret. but what could i do not, just to make things better? just to make my life better? maybe i am better off being a babysitter? ha!

i think i am giving myself a marvellous 21st birthday when it comes. already had planned for it. and i stole it from my best frennie. and i totally love her. i feel so comfortable with her,she is my best friend ,love her.

my life just sank to its bottom! deep down and could never retrieve back! why is the world like that? full of reality and cruelty! i detest that! i won't want a dull life for my whole years of living. who knows i might die tml?

i am going to leave that green logo soon. am i able to do that? i have been with it for about 2 years, going 3! and definitely loyal to the green logo. just that people changes around there, and the environment changes, things changes. everything changes. I'll get tired facing all those people, i bet they won't love to face me as well. i will love miss certain people that i have been really close with. and those customers that really love chatting with me. and those customers that love the coffee that i brewed. the customers always praises me. it just satisfied me when i feel that the customers are happy with me. it brought alot of laughters and got to know alot of people. though the green logo is situated at the neighbourhood area, i still get to meet fantastic people. people that really enjoy drinking coffee. and i met alot of nice and friendly and cool partners which we also had fun together! it gave me a good 2 year ++ lovin' it. though the job is tiring, but it brought me laughters, satisfaction and happiness. though the job is tough, it brought me knowledge, people and fun. that's where the passion lies in the job, that's where you find love in doing what you are doing. that's passion. that's love. that's your job!

people vying for certain things, people just can't see other better off than themselves, people just can't stand but get jealous of those who are better, people can't just stop being envy and jealous. these are all those that brought misery and unhappiness, that brought reality and cruelty! is all damn disgusted. i felt disgusted. i hate being like that. i don't like it.


i am still planning a good 21st birthday for myself. just for myself. i hope it will be good. i am tired of facing people. facing people . facing people!

i love taking side;

but i hate life now!

h ow is th at supp ose to be?
i s i t ca ll o ff?
can ce lled?
n ot va lid?
yo u hav e th e s ay
y ou cal l t he s hots.
p le ase le t m e k now.

sometimes i wish to say goodBye


i have a faulty mouse and a faulty keyboard. they are of no use. so , my brother got a replacement for the mouse while i got for the keyboard. am i that unlucky? the NEW keyboard is faulty too!!! how could it be? damn it!
how fair could the world be? how unfair can the heaven be? nowadays i start to realise something. if you have no one to love you,to care about you then the more you should love yourself. And that's what i am doing now. i am trying to love myself more. the first thing is that, if you don't even love yourself, how could you expect others to love you? so, i am starting to treat myself better, telling myself i am not bad, convincing myself that i can do better, and just keep on moving . cos, you never know the future right in front of you. and is humans' nature to be envy or jealous of others. so, to make yourself feel better, you should tell yourself " maybe i am better than her/him in this way? maybe he/she doesn't have something that i own?" give it a try, you might really feel better or even happier. Don't make yourself sounds pathetic! long time ago, i always made myself look like a sad soul, a pathetic fool, a stupid girl. Now, i am going to be the happy being, the cheerful fool, and the ever-smiling girl! so tune on to see me keep on laughin.

why do people bring emotions on their face even the culprit isn't him/her? i hate it. end up the one being the scapegoat is us. what the fuck! don't vent your frustration on the innocents! come on, older enough to think it through. i am going to label myself as the simple girl but with BIG BIG dreams! sometimes. i just wish my dreams will come true.

recently i saw a show, and the quote : " 沒有期望﹐就不會失望 ! ( don't harbour any hopes, to lessen your disappointment!) pretty true, when you don't hope, you won't feel disappointed. be more realistic. though i hate reality. i really hate reality but i have got no choice but to live with it.so have to face up with the reality. so people face the cruelty the world brings us!

what do you think about white lies? what do you think about lies? will you forgive someone who lie to you for the reason of your's sake? will you forgive someone who lie to you for the reason of protecting you? will you forgive someone who lie to you for the reason of not wanting you to be hurt? i guess i won't forgive. stop finding excuses if you really lie. then what's the importance of truth. would it be worse if i know you are lying. i guess that's worse.

i will be happier when i see small kids, they make me smile and laugh at their silly behaviour, they make me smile and make me want to love them. kids are adorable and cute child. the best time is one's life is when you are a kid. when everybody love you, when you are the center of attraction, when you are the most important person in their life. when you are the queen/king! how nice if i am a kid. kid's clothes are simply interesting, amazing, beautiful, wonderful, pretty. i love KIDS!

alright, i told you guys i am going to love myself more. so, let's see the beautiful me. i'm lovin` myself.

i wanna say goodbye;

i love by the edge;

i t hin k t ha t ' s i t ;
l e t ' s e n d i t ;
i t ' s g e t t i n g w a y t oo s a d;
l e t ' s j us t w a ve g oo d by e;

sometimes i wish everything could be perfect!

perfect, everybody has their own views on how their perfect life going to be, or how they should live their life. so, how do you picture your perfect life? once, i wanted a simple perfect life. that's a happy family, with my loved ones and with lovely children. maybe that's the dream when i was still young. okie, i am still young, but mindset is different. my perfect life, success in what i want to do, love what i am doing, love my life and love children and having my friends to chat about the beautiful old times. that's a pretty good life.

somehow, i am numb towards it. i don't see any point anymore if that's the case. maybe it has decrease. i don't understand the right now situation and figuring whether i should find out. but the more i figured out, i more i think it is negative. so the more it stops me from knowing. so maybe ... and i guess i should love myself more...

everybody is talking about going to uni. i am still out of this league. i hate the damn feeling. can i reverse my life? can i stop living? can i just go into hiding? can i just go anywhere? can i just go to another country.

i really have in mind to study overseas, and just stay there and never return. i hate life here. too much unhappiness and nothing that i can't bear to leave except for family and friends. but i hope for a new life, a brand new breath. a whole new surroundings. totally new encounters. just everything new. i just wish i can leave.

things just aren't that easy as it is.

why is that so?

i don like it that way!

why do you chose to do this?
without any answer?

why do you step into it?
without any lights?

why do you be this way?
without any questions?

many many whys!