i am so bend on writing today, even if my mind is blank, i am trying to force some thoughts into it. Am i crazy or what? 

"When you are in the airport, you will have that impulsiveness to just buy a ticket and fly off to somewhere alone. " So, if i were given this opportunity, where should my destination be? a question worth thinking...I will choose Paris, the city of fashion...... I will want to see with my own eyes, why everyone deemed Paris to be the fashion city. To see the beautiful architectural buildings they have, to just sit down at an alfresco cafe, drinking coffee and observe the locals there. If i have the chance........  Recently, i have been secretly searching some information online of Taipei as i always said i want to try and live there. I believe when the times draws nearer, i will be more afraid to leave. I will lose the courage to just leave everything behind and just go... maybe when times comes, i will lose it all again.

Recently, i heard this phrase somewhere, "when you are focusing in doing a task seriously, times pass without you knowing." I just feel that it is a happiness to be able to focus in completing a task that is part of your dream or passion. Because, the feeling of being closer to your dream is the best thing that could ever happen. Then, it dawn upon me, when was the last time i were so focus in completing a task or feel happiness upon completing the task. Sadly, i got none of this memory in my mind. 

When you start getting older, you will tend to lost count on your age. I will always ask myself, am i 22 this year or 23 or 24? Not sure, if this is an act of denial or just simply don bother to remember what is my age now. Does it really matter what age a person is be it in love or work. I think the most important lies in the brain, the thoughts, the emotion and the action. A person can jolly well be 30 years old but still acting like a 20 years old human with imature thinkings and actions. So, what's the big deal of 30 years old then? Some could be only 20 years old, but behaving like a mature young adult. With a goal in their mind that they are working towards it, having principle in their life where they abide by it. So, i don quite bother what's your age, if i think you are worth to be my friend, then you are. i am a learner, i need to learn alot of things, knowledge and experiences from people that are willing to teach and share with me. I had one before, so i believe i am in search for another one. 

People also have different point of views when situations happen... Some are able to stand in other people's shoes to think why their action. I think i am quite good at this. As, somehow i think i was also taught by her or rather, influence by her. Everytime, when i complain to her, she will analyze the problem and she won't stand on either side and will be a neutral party. She will analyze the person's doings and tell me in her point of view the motive/reason of the person's doings. So, i think i was influence by her to act in this way. Like it or not, i am like that. Maybe Friends will not be able to understand why i didn't sing the same song with them or support them. But, how can i support them knowing outright that they were in the wrong? Sometimes, you think for others, stand in their shoes and think of them, but who will think for you and stand in your shoes and understand/support you.....................

I really appreciate people that are genuine and sincere. that's the hardest to ask from someone..................

If i feel that i found someone who can be my friend because we had plenty of similarities, how to make that person my close friend?

i was staring at the night sky last night, to realise that the sky is so clear that i was able to see blinking stars. Once, i remembered i love watching stars in the sky, which then reminds me of the innocent and navie me few years ago.

I could remember that, it is a happiness to be able to see the blinking stars up in the sky, and i believe in wishing if there is a meteor star. But none of the above can lie to me anymore. If there are wishes in the world, they why do people still have to work hard towards their goals? If there are wishes in the world, everyone could just be happily waiting for their wishes to come true. If there are wishes in the world, i will be someone i want to be and not be who i am now. 

Sometimes i think i don't belong to anyone and not accountable to anyone but myself. how interesting and sad to find this truth and to realize that there is really nothing much left in Singapore. I think i can be independent and just go ahead to realize my dreams since there is nothing much left in Singapore. Why am i still staying around? 

Recently i found myself a new nick " I am like an abandoned child". Finding myself, strolling around the road alone, talking to myself, going around and find someone to depend on that is genuine and sincere, doing any single things myself. And i hope she can appear before me as i have some important questions for her to help me analyse. But this is not going to happen. Sometimes, it gets really tiring depending on myself...... 

I think i am such a failure as i am not capable of judging a person's character and personality. Or probably i have the right judgment but do not dare to accept the fact of his/her character or personality. In actual fact, i have nothing to lose..............you can really tell everything based on your feelings, as it is the most direct emotions and thoughts that will get into your head straight away. So, we can actually tell whether he/she is sincere/helpful/hidden with agenda/true/genuine and alot more...........

In search of something new..........

Why can a picture always hide my saddness and show my happiness when in actual fact i am not even a single bit happy??? 

sometimes once will really sink into depression when he/she does not have a channel or place to vent the frustration/anger/unhappiness. It is really unhealthy to just keep everything within yourself. It would be best that you are able to find someone to let it out immediately. 

I choose to face my macbook. It is a different case for me, as i don't think anyone is able to help me or do anything even if i let it all out, so what is the use of saying. Another saying could be, i have yet to find someone that i feel that he/she is like a family to me, it doesn't matter what i do or what i say. I thought i would be fine on my own, but suddenly i have the urge today that i hope she appear before me. This time i couldn't figure out myself, this time i believe i need her point of view. But, yet i know and understand that, i was left alone for a long time already. It just like an abandoned child, nobody will care for, nobody will guide the child along, nobody will tell the child the good and bad, the black and white, the truths and the lies. 

There are many lucky people around me which really make me the least luckiest among all.......... in terms of many many aspects......

我朋友告訴我， 我很會安排我的時間，過的很充實。 可是， 為什麼我終覺得孤單將會變成一種詛咒。。。。。 真的害怕。。。。

Sometimes i really don't understand, how come people could lie in front of camera? I love taking pictures and capturing almost every moments. And no matter whether i am sad, angry, depressed or happy, my pictures always lie and i almost believe myself that for that instance i am a happy person. 

I can't figure why one second i can be very lively, happy and joyful but the next second i can just be depressed, sad and unhappy. Interesting isn't it?

For a reason....

why am i always making the wrong decision for myself.

in 2004, i made a wrong decision to study multimedia design in singapore poly,

in 2008, maybe i made a wrong decision to let it go?? ,

in 2009, i made a wrong decision to study an alternative i thought i will be alright with it.

these are just 3 major wrong decision i made in my 23 years of life that eventually changed me into someone else.

there are plenty of minor decision that i made along my life that i regretted too. So, can someone tell me why am i always making the wrong decisions for myself? I just can't seems to get it right. And isn't 23 a tad too old to realise all the wrong decisions made? I suddenly don't know how i should continue from here.

Before making all the decisions, i thought i think hard and long enough to ensure that i do not regret in anything that i do. But, yet everytime upon thinking back, i always regretted and said that "i should have do this, i should have do that". I remembered writing a post about making decisions in life. No one knows whether this is the right decisions made until you achieve something you want to gain from the decisions. So, does it means that i didn't gain anything from all the decisions that i have made? maybe true enough that i didn't or maybe i expect more than what i have gained?

in 2004, upon studying multimedia design, i have gained design experiences, creative's mind, knowledge on the design software and gained a friend that i let go.

in 2008, upon letting go, i gained myself. i gained a chance to grow up and not living a life for others' but myself.

in 2009, upon studying marketing and advertising, i have gained.... (pause for a moment...) a new job?

So, tell me did i expect more that i have gained or all of those that i have gained it not what i wanted?

i have mentioned to myself so many times what i wanted, i have reminded myself many times that i only wanted that. Just a simple want, but because of surroundings and environment that stopped me from my want that drove me to all the wrong decisions. I've had enough with myself and angry with myself.

If i told her how i felt, what was her response? (*somehow i know her answer). 

Rachel asked me a fairly good question today. she asked: " do i feel lost when she stop teaching me?"

i don't feel lost partly is because she made me found myself, and she gave me a mind of my own. i have my own answers to my problems and i know how to solve my own problems. but sometimes you tend to rely on someone because you are tired thinking of problem solutions yourself. You just want to be lazy hoping someone could provide you an instant answer to what you need. I didn't know what i was capable because i relied on her too much. I learned how to make my own decisions and have my own thoughts. i am different.

i dropped by "Depression" at Far East Plaza today, and was greatly impressed by Kenny who remembered me, not only that, he remembered my name! I was really impressed and shocked, because my last visit was probably 2 years ago. 2 years ago, i was different til i couldn't recognize myself but he did! how impressive! let me search a 2 years ago picture......

 

Yupz, somewhere near here...... This was how i looked 2 years ago..................

my picture now....

 

It not that i changed drastically but i have friends that couldn't recognize me after not seeing my for sometime. I was impressed! 

When you love something so much, or when you expected that it will happen, this is when fear stepped in because u are afraid of not getting or losing it.......