why am i always making the wrong decision for myself.

in 2004, i made a wrong decision to study multimedia design in singapore poly,

in 2008, maybe i made a wrong decision to let it go?? ,

in 2009, i made a wrong decision to study an alternative i thought i will be alright with it.

these are just 3 major wrong decision i made in my 23 years of life that eventually changed me into someone else.

there are plenty of minor decision that i made along my life that i regretted too. So, can someone tell me why am i always making the wrong decisions for myself? I just can't seems to get it right. And isn't 23 a tad too old to realise all the wrong decisions made? I suddenly don't know how i should continue from here.

Before making all the decisions, i thought i think hard and long enough to ensure that i do not regret in anything that i do. But, yet everytime upon thinking back, i always regretted and said that "i should have do this, i should have do that". I remembered writing a post about making decisions in life. No one knows whether this is the right decisions made until you achieve something you want to gain from the decisions. So, does it means that i didn't gain anything from all the decisions that i have made? maybe true enough that i didn't or maybe i expect more than what i have gained?

in 2004, upon studying multimedia design, i have gained design experiences, creative's mind, knowledge on the design software and gained a friend that i let go.

in 2008, upon letting go, i gained myself. i gained a chance to grow up and not living a life for others' but myself.

in 2009, upon studying marketing and advertising, i have gained.... (pause for a moment...) a new job?

So, tell me did i expect more that i have gained or all of those that i have gained it not what i wanted?

i have mentioned to myself so many times what i wanted, i have reminded myself many times that i only wanted that. Just a simple want, but because of surroundings and environment that stopped me from my want that drove me to all the wrong decisions. I've had enough with myself and angry with myself.

If i told her how i felt, what was her response? (*somehow i know her answer). 

Rachel asked me a fairly good question today. she asked: " do i feel lost when she stop teaching me?"

i don't feel lost partly is because she made me found myself, and she gave me a mind of my own. i have my own answers to my problems and i know how to solve my own problems. but sometimes you tend to rely on someone because you are tired thinking of problem solutions yourself. You just want to be lazy hoping someone could provide you an instant answer to what you need. I didn't know what i was capable because i relied on her too much. I learned how to make my own decisions and have my own thoughts. i am different.

i dropped by "Depression" at Far East Plaza today, and was greatly impressed by Kenny who remembered me, not only that, he remembered my name! I was really impressed and shocked, because my last visit was probably 2 years ago. 2 years ago, i was different til i couldn't recognize myself but he did! how impressive! let me search a 2 years ago picture......

 

Yupz, somewhere near here...... This was how i looked 2 years ago..................

my picture now....

 

It not that i changed drastically but i have friends that couldn't recognize me after not seeing my for sometime. I was impressed! 

When you love something so much, or when you expected that it will happen, this is when fear stepped in because u are afraid of not getting or losing it.......