sometime i wish you could disappear......
i think i have make it a habit for me to post every sunday. actually the post allows me to distress. cos i need not make it out clearly what,who,where i was referring to. is good enough that i know it myself. i realize crying is a form of distressing. maybe is "my way to distress" after a good cry, i will feel better....i fell terribly sick on wednesday, which i never felt it before. nauseous, weak, giddy, just simply damn uncomfortable and i have no idea why my tears just kept falling down uncontrollably. i can't help it but i keep crying...maybe it when one happens to be very weak and will just cry easily. but i am okay now. but still feel like letting out a good cry!!
this whole 2 weeks, i wasn't a loser. i was able to tell myself not to do it. no mails, no msg. and i did it!! not to prove what, but have to let go. cos i know i should focus on something that i could see future in, that i believe if i put in effort i can make it. that i believe i can do it. but again, i dare not put such high hopes on it. cos the more i expected, the least i get. this always happens on me....
i was back on track on "the hills", the more i watched, the more i want the life of lauren conrad. she isn't some bitchy ladies that seriously is a bad girl. but she is cool, fun and love friends. and she really should deserve someone good. though, the hills somehow some parts looks alittle dramatic, but i love watching it. all the girls are so beautiful and pretty. and all her dresses and shirts she wore is so nice and suits her so well. i really love her life. and brody is damn "hot" maybe if i were to have a son next time, he shall be name brody. cos, name with brody are "hot hunk" eg. "adam brody" haha...he is another cute guy!!
there are so much regrets i have in life. so much i am going for. so much that i hope i can do alot of things in a day. so much that i think a day is not enough for me. so much that i hope i have 3 of me to do alot of things at the same time.
my blog has been classified as a "emotional and sad blog". ya, maybe that's me. it is definitely very hard for me to write some happy things here when my life is no where near happiness!! but seriously, there isn't many people reading it. i guess i read it more than anyone else. is a good thing, cos when i read back my past, at least i know how bad my english was. haha.....all the things said were lies;lies that never come true;lies that make everything turned out to be so yucky;lies that make me feel uneasy;lies that keep repeating in my head;lies that i wanna forget;lies.........
thinking of having a short hair.
should i cut it?
where can i find my shining star? shining shining;
sometimes i wish for too many things.......
is it all over? really over? why am i so stubborn on certain things? seriously, i have no idea how i should face it...or how i should just pretend " i am okay" which in fact the truth is i am not. how could it never ever bother or maybe is just the characteristic of itself...i always tell frennie that i am brave, ya, brave my ass....i am brave when my face is in my ass...damn! when the hell will i have the courage to face it! i just want to be alone!
who ever created music to be full of feelings and emotions....who ever created music to be part of a person's life...who ever created music and allow it to dominate a person's feelings...who ever created music that make people cry...who ever created music as if it doesn't exist the world doesn't exist as well...who the hell ever created music!!!
a simple theory here..... i hurt my hand and it bled... which i decided to leave it as it is....i have no intentions to apply any medicine to it....i decided to let it heal itself...so i just put on a plaster for 2 weeks which i won't get to see the injuries and just leave it as it is....but everytime, i have an urge to take off the plaster but i can't bear seeing the injuries so even when the wound is healed, i still put plaster on it to avoid seeing it. so, this week i decided to take off the plaster and that's was when i washed the wound. and it was also then, i realised my wound was deeply cut. deeply injured. i feel the pain however when the wound is healed, there is no longer any pain ... but i there was scar... the scar was left to remain me on what had happen. a scar that will be planted forever. that will be with me forever. doesn't this show how stubborn i am .... how stubborn i just allowed myself to get hurt...how stubborn i just leave the wound like that....and in the end, i have this ugly scar...this pathetic ugly scar...i hope there won't be a second time....
i am utterly disappointed;
life is starting to be bad for me...
i forsee it will be worse....
so who will be on my side to tell me that everything will be okay, everything will be fine, everything will turn on a better side...trust me, i am very gullible....just tell me this and i will definitely believe in you.....
anyway, i met up with victor and bran that day after such a long separation.. it wasn't the whole group..just a couple of us....though i don't feel awkward facing them..but the close friendship we had this there anymore..we are merely just friends now....but how the hell brandon keeps getting thinner and thinner !!!
very disappointed;very ashamed;very angry;very upset;very unhappy;full of resentment;
