i wish to embark on a journey alone..

Everything should start small then grows big. So, if i want to embark on a journey alone, i should start small. She makes a good point, "because if you want something out of it, you will tend to feel more miserable". Yes, i admit i want something out of it, but it is a far-away hand to even touch it less grabbing it. And, i am not able to filter my thoughts out, so i divert my focus and attention to embarking a journey alone. 

Start small and grows big. Since, i was being dumped to be alone, i have always wanted to travel alone as well. But was always gunned down by friends around me. But friends are friends for a moment, there are still moments of departure. Friends that used to gun me down bid their farewell, as it just hints to me that " i can start a journey on my own " 

I didn't know that the key to the lock reappeared 3 years later. and neither did i expect the key was a wrong key. i became quite moody recently. gosh, the feeling is back! and i want to chase it away. 

I missed my chance but will it comes again. hahaha... what a joke! 

Sometimes, a chat with an old friend brings back beautiful, fun and happy memories.

Had a chat with an old friend whom we (a big group of us, a mixture of soccer players & netball players) used to hang out very often during poly life. Poly year 1 and 2 was my happiest times in life. We always hang out together, doing stupid things and having fun and just really be together to laugh and laugh and just laugh. There wasn't any worries on my mind but just want to be happy and friends are very important to me then. 

I changed. While we were chatting, i think i was pretty fast in reacting to the lameness and crappiness of my friend. Given the old me, i would just "What the hell, what the fuck! or basically just keep laughing if off" hahahha.. but yesterday i retorted every single things he said. So, is kinda of funny as i wasn't like this before. And he definitely brought back damn old and happy memories. Laughter & Happiness is the easiest thing to do but the hardest to achieve. sometimes, i have to admit that i miss the old me. 

he reminded me that he was the first funny friend i had! hahahahha, and in fact it is true. but i met another 2 after that. So, i think being funny is a talent itself as well. Cos, not everyone can be funny as they want to be. hahahaha.. i think the most thing i missed of my old me was the retarded laughter i used to have. hahahah. that was how i got famous in Sports Club. hahahah! because of that retarded laughter everyone knew me. how interesting is that. Girls usually get famous because of their hot figure, pretty faces but i got famous because of my retarded laughter! hahahah, really have to laugh it off. But, that was the happy times, and i really miss my retarded laughter which i am unable to have that again. Why nobody help to video my retarded laughter before. i forgot how it sounds like. But, i was once proud of my retarded laughter, because when i laugh everyone started laughing as well. So, making people around me happy makes me happy too! i was so simple that time. I think that was the best of me. :)

Laughter can be seen easy but a hard to do. I was looking at this cute little kid that keeps on laughing and laughing non stop while looking at the sister. Nobody was playing with him, but he can just laugh and laugh by himself. The scene makes me smile. How i envy kids that can laugh and laugh as and when they want, laugh and laugh like today never ends, laugh and laugh like their mind is as light as feather. How i wish i could be like them. Just laugh all my life. hahahha... seriously, wrong path taken. i should be working in childcare centre, everyday absorb the laughter from the children and i will be as happy as them. They will not give tough problems like adults do, they will not give trouble like adults do, they will not be able to reason as well like adults do. They are just harmless human beings. 

I am going to stop thinking of the far-fetched dreams but try to grab a dream that i think i can achieve for myself! Go! Go! Go! 

if only i know how to filter my thoughts, then i will be a happy person.

Sometimes i think i am rather ridiculous to allow my thoughts to wander around. There is always this period is life you will feel damn low. when i feel damn low, i don't know what to do to make myself feel better. And, i hate something, cos this something will make my life terrible. It sucks! So, i hope i can filter my thoughts and not think about it anymore. I should stay focus in what i want to do and focus in it. I shouldn't let other things/people to affect my decision. This is the 1 thing i aim to do this year. A challenge to myself, as i was being told that i am very easily distracted. And i strongly agreed to that. I am unable to focus on a certain thing for more than 1 hour. And this is not good because it will bring me nowhere, and i will not be able to achieve anything. If i can't focus and let things hang around where they are.Then this sucks!Maybe, there is some reason why i am always alone.

just had an incident just now that make me thinks of life. I was waiting for a lift, and suddenly my phone rang, i picked up the phone and missed the lift. Because of the phone call, i have to wait ages for another lift. This rings a thought in my life that, if you missed something in life, you might have to wait longer for another chance to come by. Therefore, grab hold of any chance that comes by in life, as you never know where it will bring you to. Maybe something good, maybe something bad. However, you will gain experience in any paths.

I wasn't like this in the past, but why this time? This is really interesting that i am experiencing the incident over again. I don't like this.

I think i need a new direction in life. What have i to lose out? 

when you meet a similar someone, you will missed that someone more....

when you see some of the previous memories, you will missed that someone more...

i met "her" yesterday, but was a male version. He has plentiful of knowledge, he has countless of experience and most importantly he has a way to express himself and bring the correct message across. And the fact is, there are very limited people like them around. Those that are willingly to share everything they know, willingly to guide you along, willingly to teach you what's right and what's wrong, stimulate your thinking mind and they are generous in most way!

I like the way he talked, how he presented himself, he is well-versed in English and Chinese. He is so like the male version of "her" in some ways. He triggered her up in my mind. Once, i thought i should grow on my own and learn on my own, but then again i realize she was always the answer to my confusion, problems. He impressed me when he started talking, people will give him the 100% attention and feel very comfortable to talk to him because he does not show any threats to others, if he offers to help, it seems that he really, genuinely wants to help. That was the first time we met and this is how far i can conclude him. I might be wrong because i don't even know him at all. But, i know he is her and they must have achieve something in life or have been through somewhere in life to be who they are.

I was reading some past conversations and it recalled this sentence "怕朋友突然不关心, 最怕周围没人关心你". i must say, she always knows what is the real thoughts going on my mind, she always manage to dig the true feelings deep deep down me. "No Man is an island", hard to comprehend, but the meaning is 100% truth! "juz dun wan u to dwell into tat n make it part of your mantra in life", and she knows what will happen if my tune my thoughts into a particular direction and she don't want it to happen. But, can i say unfortunately, it happens. 

Incidents make me realize, i changed into a cold-hearted being. I used to care a lot for people but now i do not at all. Is not entirely like that, just that i do not know how to phrase it. anyway, yesterday we were throw a question.  "HOW PASSIONATE ARE YOU FOR ADVERTISING?"

Everyone supposed to answer but ended up only 1 person answered. If i were given a chance to speak, my answer will be this. 

Advertising was my secondary option. I am a person that is afraid of boredom and like creative things. Partly, because of my previous course that i have some contacts with designs and creativity. Since then, i only love things that are creative and interesting. I chose Advertising as my second option because, advertising can makes wonder or rather the people in advertising makes advertising wonder! The way they thought of the idea, regardless to make it a loud bang! a soft-touching approach! the key to advertising for me is to touch the consumer's heart and mind. I love how creativity flows in a office, where everyone starts talking nonsense that's when some idea is making in the process. That's why advertising is my second option. 

i questioned myself, how passionate am i? i will spread  80% of passion to fashion and the 20% to advertising, so now you tell me, do you think i am passionate about advertising? 

the man who hold my hand when i was young.....

things that cannot be said too fast. 

In my previous article, i happened to mentioned about marriage and funeral. Not long ago, someone closed to me went on a long holiday trip that does not have a return ticket. It was devastating as he was someone that took care of me when i was in pre-school. I only had memories of him then, followed on was bits and pieces of memories and misfortune befall him that he was unable to participate in our growing up process. Because, if he does, he is definitely the best grandpa i ever had. I might be closer to my grandparents which i always wished to......

memories that was intact all long... he will send me and picked me up when i was in pre-school, although it was a very short walking distance to the coffeeshop, he will want to do so instead of my dad. Then he will buy me fishballs after my school and i will accompanied him back to his house where he does his work. I remembered the room full of coffee beans, coffee powder on the floor and the huge coffee grinder. Perhaps thats the reason why our coffee is the best! Misfortune came when i haven even finished my pre-school and memories stopped there.... because he was unable to accompany me to school and teach me more things.....

my mum always says : "we (grandchildren) are the reason why he is hanging on for so long despite the pain that he has to go through". He was a man that took great care of his family, making sure his children are of good character and quality and making sure the grandchildren are well taken care of. 

I missed him when he is able to hold my hand and pick me after school..........................

i take back my word! i rather attend a happy occasion where it might not bears any meaning than to attend a sad occasion that is full of memories....

he was a good man!