let me be the one......

let me be the one to shine....

let me be the one to dream...

let me be the one......

who do i want to be? i was catching Project Runway Season 6 just now, and jealousy caught me again. both jealousy and envy. How come they are doing what they have been wanting to do, yet i can't do anything to reach there. i am angry with myself for not having the courage to be where i want to be. if i have 110% of passion running in me, nothing could have stop me. but sometimes, it is difficult not to let the surroundings affect you. sometimes, it is difficult just to ignore it. sometimes, it is difficult just to be selfish. however, by taking all this factors into considerations, i became a miserable person. how i envy those who are pursuing their dream, how i envy those who are already doing what they have been wanting. how i envy. Watching Project Runway really makes me sad. There's this girl who is just exactly my age, and she is starting out a path for herself in the fashion world. but here i am drifting further and further away from my fashion world. One of the judges is Lindsay, and she has her own label. How come it seems so easy for celebs to create their own label, setting up their own label. How come? because of their ability to influence, because they really like fashion, or otherwise. i would have thought otherwise. 

My cousin told me that she was afraid of her future, where she will stand when 5 years passed, where will she be in the future. every step she makes now is for her future, thinking for her future. but it never chanced upon me that the step i make now is planning for my future. i just simply took every step that appeared before me. because that's the easiest way out? Nope, because sometimes i do not have much choices. somehow, back in my mind, i do have plans for my future, what i really want to do. but whether it is workable, i doubt myself, i doubt my ability and capabilities. i hate it when people tell me that "you sure are capable of completing that, you are capable, you are good," because to me that are lies. when i am not even impressed by myself, how can i impress others?!

i have always said this, you will never know what this step will bring you, if i know what this step may bring me, i would have been successful by now. by then again, i am nobody. am i too eager to do something out on my own? am i eager to prove something to myself? am i too rush in trying to do things. and probably, my interest lies in somewhere else. okay, that's the saddest part of all. if that is so, i would have to start everything all over again. and i don't think i have time to repeat things in my life again. i think i should make my decision right, and not waiting to let time prove it right. i choose this decision, then i should think of ways to convince myself, something is going to work out somehow.  

truly, i really lost all my feelings, think back, maybe i cried that day is because of the influence of the people that are crying and not that i am really sad about the departure. maybe i lost it all, it all meant nothing since very long ago. i am just a emo drama. 

i think i care about myself more than anyone does.