i have been neglecting writing here because i got myself a chinese blog, that i wrote everything in chinese. Although, i am a singaporean, whereby singaporean basically converse in English, i still love my base as a chinese and being able to write and converse well in Chinese. That's why i got myself a chinese blog which is popular in Taiwan.

The reasons for chinese blog is because, firstly i want to improve in my chinese, secondly some feelings are better expressed in Chinese, thirdly hoping that i will get to know some Taiwanese friends through this blog. haha...

will you bend your principle to deem fit your life, or let your principle make your life worse? in my case, i chose the secondary. because, if any were to choose the first one, i will just have to let you know, that are not principle in your life, that are rules in your life that can be change in time down the road. Principles will not vary that much if your view in life never change. These are principles that i greatly abide myself to, if i have no principles in life, i am not me. i think principles are a very important criteria anyone must have. it might be obstacles in your path, but if you bend those principles of yours, it might be your view of certain things has changed or it could be that you were wrong with the definition of principles. 

i was a person without principles, meaning "everything goes". but not now, she thought me what is principles, she showed me how strong we should stick to our principle. cos partly it identify who you are. And i want to be who i am. Ever since, i know what principles are, i am not easy going anymore. 

i used to be like this (1986 - 2007):

i want to be lovable in everyone's eyes

i want to be nice to everyone, so that they will say nice things about me

i want everyone to have a good impression of me

i want everyone to think that i am nice

i want everyone to like me

i want everyone that wants me to be their friends

that was me which is equivalent as "a very fake person". because i am doing things that i don't like just to please everyone else, for them to be nice to me, for them to like me, for them to want me to be their friends. That was the past. I do not hate the past me, because i am who i am. I have changed for the better, i have learned how to be me and i have got the answer. 

I am on my own now, i do not have my wise dictionary anymore. I have to ask myself alot of questions in order to get the answer. but in any ways, she played an important role in my learning and growing process. Because i am tired to be the nice person, to be the fake person, to be the person that pleases everyone but myself. i am happy to be on my own, because then i will know if i am able to deal with things that i thought was impossible for me. Thank you, sunshine. Please shine everywhere you go...... 

if i only have 70% of trust in you, is that still consider friends? 

by gwenny

Happy New Year everyone! This was a delayed greetings as i was away to Winter Time!

As i have promised myself, to be away for the New Year, I did it this time round. I went to Taiwan to welcome a New Year - 2010. I would say that, after this trip i loved Taiwan more and more. And it has take over the Top standing country in my heart, which made Hong Kong No. 2. There are so many things to say about Taiwan, but by writing them down, it does not seem real. So, make a trip to Taiwan yourself and you will know how good a country it is. 

I have always love Winter Time because this is the time to get out all your coats, boots and hats! Is the year end fashion showcase. I got my boots and my hats, but i am missing of my coat! but no fret! there are plenty and plenty in Taiwan that you can find. Those pretty and beautiful one! My goodness, is Singapore has winter sometime, you will see me spending New Year in Singapore. Before that really arrives, i will always be away for Winter Time! I love Winter. 

If i have a chance, i will want to spend some years living in Taipei to understand more of their culture and living habits. If i have a chance, please let me have a entertainment or fashion job in Taipei where i will be more expose to some knowledge that i need badly, if i have a chance, i really wanna stay overseas to see my own adaptability if i am independent enough. If i have a chance, please let me date a Taiwanese guy, so that i can drop by as and when i feel like. If i have a chance, then i will be in Taipei. 

A country filled with warmth, friendliness and night life. A country filled with yummy delicious food and fashionable clothings. A country filled with pretty girls and full of scooters. A country that won Hong Kong in my heart. 

I will be back, Taiwan!

By gwenny

beauty of fireworks.

I have always love fireworks because of the beauty of it. It has been long since i went to watch Fireworks "live" rather than on TV. I had a good spot of the fireworks show and was really touched by the magnificent scene that i saw. Every sparks, every shot made me so touched that tears would have roll down my cheeks. 

i remembered this was how i describe fireworks before,

fireworks bring with them excitement, happiness and emotions,

every sparks, every shot is deemed to surprise you in everyway,

you are not able to imagine how beautiful it will be, 

but upon seeing it, you will fall deeply in love with it.

however, fireworks will be gone in an instant, 

you are not able to have it forever,

but could only remember how beautiful it was. 

it is the same for love, 

love gives you excitement, happiness and emotions, 

every action, every words will touched your heart,

you cannot predict the outcome of every relationship

but you are deeply in love at the moment,

however, love might be gone suddenly,

you are not able to have it forever, 

but could only keep the beautiful and sweet memories deep in your heart.

the above has been improvise but the meaning i am trying to convey is the same. No matter how beautiful the fireworks are, the disappear in less than 20 seconds, you are not able to have them forever but could only remember how beautiful they once were, and the happiness and emotions they bring you. The same goes for love, you never know is this is an ever-lasting love, but when it is gone, there are only memories left to remember and to reminisce. 

Although, fireworks are only there for a short time, but the beauty of it let you forgive the short stay they are able to accompany you. I love fireworks, let me find someone who love fireworks and will go around just to watch fireworks! *wink*

This phrase caught me deeply, but it sounds more meaningful in chinese. so find this version of my thoughts in chinese somewhere................

she once told me, " if you have already meet the best person you deemed he/she is, no matter how fantastic or good others came by your life, it will never be the same, no one can replaced the best in your heart "

it is really true, take my lecturer for example, he was really good, fun, humorous and young! I really enjoyed his lesson and would never want to miss a single lesson. So a new term starts, and i drag all the other lessons, because he already scored over what full marks could give, and no one can be like him. So it is really tough to replace the best in you. 

Now, it occurred to me, that each incident in my life, makes me realize that i do remember every single thing she once told me. So, i cannot expect another person like her to come by, because she is already the best advisor, the best people that swung by my life. I have to let her shift out to let a new person comes in, because if she stays forever, there won't be space for a new tenant. 

only "SHE" can answer my questions of people and life.....

is it me being too prejudice that only "she" can answer my questions of people and life? or this is really the fact? or should i say this instead: " i do know the answers deep down in my heart, however i will need assurance from her to tell myself that i am right " maybe is not answer and is more of an assurance to my answers of my own question. Only she is able to analyse without taking any sides and very neutral about situations and problems. Where am i able to find someone i trusted so much in to believe in them? She is of a different level in life, she is not a friend but my guidance. 

Am i really moving too fast in life that i feel that no one is able to catch up? Do i really need someone to reassure me of my own queries and answer? How come both incident happen the same way and will they end the same too? Will i go back to a cycle again so that i am able to meet another "her"? 

"Don't ask for more"... don't ask for more that what you have in life, don't ask for what cannot be achieve in life, don't ask for happiness in life if you are not going to do anything about it, be more practical and don't ask for more. Humans have a tendency to ask for more when they have what they want, and keep on wanting more. Greed pushes this mentality and actions in praying for more, asking for more. Be contented with what you have now!

"have a little faith".....

by gwenny

it is not easy to have someone with the same interest, the same liking, same sense, same thoughts. i believe this was the reason for me being upset of the departure. In alot of aspects, she is way better than me, better sense, better taste, stronger in language, stronger in socializing, better thoughts. But we have almost the same liking, therefore in some ways it is really tough to find someone like her. She gave me rounds and rounds of ropes, so that i am able to climb and climb. When we reach a stop, i thought i could climb up again, she is gone with the ropes, leaving me where i am to find my ways to keep on climbing. This has eventually made me lost and keeps on wondering whether she will be back to provide the ropes again. There was no reason for her departure that makes me keep on wandering with plenty of thoughts, were i too clumsy during the process? did i made any mistakes during the process? Departure without a reason is comparable to the situation where i am in, hanging in the middle not knowing what to do. Shouting for her will be of no use as i know that there will be no response, i could only wait for her return or for me to realise that i am on my own already. 

I might understand her well enough that i might have made a mistakes, but i hate not knowing what the mistakes are. With this, how am i going to improve on it or even avoid making the same mistakes. This is the torturing part. Nevertheless, she was once my wise dictionary and this wise dictionary will be well kept until i have a chance to return a favor. 

Suddenly, I hate the winter season. Gloomy as were told, Sad as were told. All these feelings came settled in. Raindrops are falling from the sky telling me that i should shed some tear to relieve my saddness and worries. When raindrops are gone, sun is back again and i will have my sunshine shining at me again. 

"have a little faith"

by :gwenny:

Gcomms Studio Website is up!

Please kindly visit www.gcomms.blogspot.com for more information on some relevant designs works or services that you are looking for!

Please help to spread around too!

Thank you.

By

Gcomms Studio is officially OPEN!

Gcomms Studio is officially open on the 12th November 2009! Gcomms Studio specialize in Namecards, Logo, Flyer, Pamphlets, Poster and ad-hoc designs.

Please await for the website of Gcomms Studio!

My dear friends, please spread this around!

Gcomms Studio can be contactable at E: gcommsstudio@gmail.com

Thank you!

gwenny

"THIS IS IT"

100% HONESTY

He is the legend, he is the hero, he is none other than 'KING OF POP'. I knew Micheal Jackson when i was a child, but it wasn't those crazy madly in love with Micheal. I love his songs but never understand his feelings for all the songs he sang. i knew he was a marvellous artiste but never knew his efforts behind his hard work. 

But, upon watching 'THIS IS IT'. I understand MJ more, and he showed what a true entertainer and musician and artiste should be. I believe marvellous, fantastic, amazing all this words are not enough to describe him. It is hard to believe such a legend is gone. There is no one who is as good as him or even near him that could ever replace him. The power of his vocal, the flexibility of his moves and the sensitivity he has with the music. These were all a gift to him, a gift to him from heaven and he was a gift to his fans from heaven. There could never be a 2nd MJ, as MJ could only be MJ. 

For his every concert, he rehearse over and over again inregardless of how tired he might be, or how many times he had to do it again. He just want to tune every details and every bits to be perfect and to meet his expectations. Perfection is his ideal that he target in his concert. At every part of the song, every interval, every action he could already anticipate what response he will be able to get from his audience and fans. Therefore, in order not to disappoint them, he make sure everything is perfect and if he could, he will make it to be over perfect. This only goes to show, he truly respect his profession and his passion for music and his love for his fans! 

How upsetting it is to know that a legend has gone, and how pity it is that no one will be able to see how marvellous the concert could be. I believe this could be the most regretful event in life for all the MJ's lovers. 

He will always be remembered for his passion and love for the people and the world. Just like the lyrics he wrote in his songs. He truly care and love, hoping to pass every bit of his love to everyone that he could. 

I regret that i wasn't able to see any of his concert live!

Happy Birthday to myself!

This year, no uncomfortable celebrations, no unnecessary gatherings. just a simple dinner but i am happier than any other previous 2 birthdays. because, i have plenty of friends that wishes me HAPPY BIRTHDAY! though, i thought half of them would have forgotten. So, a big thanks to everyone that did wish me on my Birthday. i believe nothing can be as precious as sincere wishes! :) No elaborating birthday cake, so i wasn't prepared to make any wish. I only made 1 very very very very very very simple wish. If this simple wish couldn't be granted, then i think Birthday Wishes are FAKE! they are just for shows!

Daniel Vosovic, the Project Runway Season 2 fashion designer. i received a book of his and i am happy about it, because he is one of the talented yet young fashion designer that i adore. He is good looking, but i believe we can only be sisters. hahaa....

Did i mention that recently i finished a book by Paulo - Zahir. There are alot of sentence i like in the book that he used to describe relationships and life. One of which is " Favor Bank". And i think i already open my favor bank already, however there is only deposit inside, i have yet to pay the favor back. I know i might not be able to do payback, because i know she doesn't need any favors, yet i will keep her account forever, without increasing the interest of hers, but increase my bank's interest. Although, deep in my heart, i know that the 2 years i gotten was a bonus, but human are always greedy. the more you get, you will want more again! but i do not want anything, just hope that we could still be in contact somehow. I know her, therefore here i am alone, waiting to pay back my favor, hoping one day she will come and withdraw it. I owe her too much that i do not know how to pay back. Is really interesting how life can be change with 1 incident, and i know that although i do not want to blame it on that incident, but i believe it was really that incident that i change my life and way of thinking and way of treating friends. 

I know i may look independent, but maybe i am not, i know i may love freedom, but maybe i am not. The more things don't happen, the more i think it will not happen no matter how much faith i have in myself. Because i believe i will lost myself in the path i created for myself somehow in the middle of my journey. 

Where are you? Where are you? Just remember that you have an account with me in my favor bank! My bank will be open anytime just for you!

I have just finished reading the book by Mitch Album - "For One More Day" and plenty of thoughts came running in. 

For one more day, i am able to live,

For one more day, i am able to talk,

For one more day, i am able to see,

For one more day, i am able to smell,

For one more day, i ask for forgiveness,

For one more day........

Plenty of "For one more day" i thought i was granted with. In life, everyone has been so busy with daily lifestyle that they forgot that, they too were granted "For one more day". Everyone just take everyday for granted. Students supposed to be studying wasting time playing, Adults suppose to be working, but keep on complaning about life. How come, nobody will think that " today i will treasure it, as i was given another day". 

Sometimes things happen so fast that we cannot expect it and neither can we escape it. You never know when is your turn to go. I must say that "eventually, everyone will die, but the time has yet to reach you" People keep on saying that " this is fate, let fate decide where i should go, this is destiny and i believe in destiny." But, they don't know that they are just unable to make decision in life for themselves, so then, they pushed the blame to fate, destiny. I have mentioned this before, that everyone has only 1 life to live, and we shall just live life as if everyday is the last. And being having only 1 life, shouldn't we just do what we want to do, and what we desire in life. Not complying to living a life of others' or be like others'. I believe this thoughts has been in me since 2 years ago when i was forced to step into something i never thought. 

But my beliefs is that, even though we are forced to step into something we don't like, it is in our choice whether we want to make it right or make it worse. And my beliefs is that, you will bound to gain something everywhere. And through this i gained alot, gain a wise dictionary and i gain myself! 

let me be the one......

let me be the one to shine....

let me be the one to dream...

let me be the one......

who do i want to be? i was catching Project Runway Season 6 just now, and jealousy caught me again. both jealousy and envy. How come they are doing what they have been wanting to do, yet i can't do anything to reach there. i am angry with myself for not having the courage to be where i want to be. if i have 110% of passion running in me, nothing could have stop me. but sometimes, it is difficult not to let the surroundings affect you. sometimes, it is difficult just to ignore it. sometimes, it is difficult just to be selfish. however, by taking all this factors into considerations, i became a miserable person. how i envy those who are pursuing their dream, how i envy those who are already doing what they have been wanting. how i envy. Watching Project Runway really makes me sad. There's this girl who is just exactly my age, and she is starting out a path for herself in the fashion world. but here i am drifting further and further away from my fashion world. One of the judges is Lindsay, and she has her own label. How come it seems so easy for celebs to create their own label, setting up their own label. How come? because of their ability to influence, because they really like fashion, or otherwise. i would have thought otherwise. 

My cousin told me that she was afraid of her future, where she will stand when 5 years passed, where will she be in the future. every step she makes now is for her future, thinking for her future. but it never chanced upon me that the step i make now is planning for my future. i just simply took every step that appeared before me. because that's the easiest way out? Nope, because sometimes i do not have much choices. somehow, back in my mind, i do have plans for my future, what i really want to do. but whether it is workable, i doubt myself, i doubt my ability and capabilities. i hate it when people tell me that "you sure are capable of completing that, you are capable, you are good," because to me that are lies. when i am not even impressed by myself, how can i impress others?!

i have always said this, you will never know what this step will bring you, if i know what this step may bring me, i would have been successful by now. by then again, i am nobody. am i too eager to do something out on my own? am i eager to prove something to myself? am i too rush in trying to do things. and probably, my interest lies in somewhere else. okay, that's the saddest part of all. if that is so, i would have to start everything all over again. and i don't think i have time to repeat things in my life again. i think i should make my decision right, and not waiting to let time prove it right. i choose this decision, then i should think of ways to convince myself, something is going to work out somehow.  

truly, i really lost all my feelings, think back, maybe i cried that day is because of the influence of the people that are crying and not that i am really sad about the departure. maybe i lost it all, it all meant nothing since very long ago. i am just a emo drama. 

i think i care about myself more than anyone does.

我是一箇多麼喜歡朋友的人， 卻變成周圍都沒朋友的人。

我曾是一箇多麼樂觀的人， 但這沒維持多久， 悲傷就對我招手。

說這要成為我的好朋友。 

從那箇時後， 悲傷確實成為了我最好的朋友。

它是箇非常忠實的朋友， 從沒讓我失望。

因為， 它終是把悲傷帶給我。

但成為了， 它的朋友後， 我非常難受。

每天， 過著非常難過的日子。

盼望， 那一天， 快樂或幸福做我的朋友。

給我快樂， 給我歡笑。

但， 會有那麼一天嗎？

今天， 想用華文來發表我的心情， 但有一點忘詞了！ 哈！ 哈！沒靈感啊！ 救命啊！

原來， 寂寞是一件非常感傷的事實！

天天，千千萬萬的陌生人經過你的身邊

偏偏， 你卻是甚麼的沈默

腦里想的都是過去的回憶

那是， 多麼可悲的背影

也是， 一段不真實的夢

一段自己的想法跟想要加強我的中文。

明天， 會是一箇新的開始。 划下了一箇終點， 就會在臨一箇地方開始新的起跑點。 人生一定要有分分離離才會是完美的。因為， 有了分分離離， 人才會珍惜人余人之間的相處。人余人不會有百分百的喜歡， 因為人不是完美的。 但相處後， 就可以把不喜歡變成喜歡。 

我的心情故事到這里。 

i always associate life with many things that happen in our daily life. Just like driving.

sometimes, you intersects people's path, sometimes others intersect in your path. life is never a smooth riding journey. is all about how you want to make the journey smooth or easier. you can choose an expressway that is free from red lights, or a shorter way but you have alot of red lights in your life. Life is never easy.

this theory has always been set in my mind, " the more you don't want it to happen, the more it will happen, but the more you want it to happen, the more it won't happen ". i believe this occurs on alot of you before. but sometimes, you can stop things from happening, but sometimes, is just difficult for you to stop things from happening. opportunities don't come always. it might come once and go forever, or it might never come. so, i really didn't want the opportunities to go away and regret in my life. i said before i don't want to do things that i will regret in life. although, constantly it has been happening in my life everyday. but there are some things i can do to not regret in life. so, forgive me from pulling out and go for my opportunities. i might not have a good time with the new opportunities but i know i must try it. i can only say i am truly grateful for your opportunity. i don't know how to repay just truly grateful to you all. pardon me for leaving though i know i have received alot of care from you all. sorry for not being able to fight on the same line. but i know i need this opportunities to venture out and no be kept in a protected shell. everyone thinks i don know how to handle situation, everyone thinks that i am not able to handle situations. but sometimes, is just difficult to lie to someone i think is a good person.

now i have a question. define "lying". some said, if i am lying for a good cause, then i am doing a good deed. but still, is a lie. lying is never for a good deed unless you really have to do it otherwise. though my lies might not have impact on others, might not affect them somehow, but it is still a lie. a lie will always be a lie. there is no white lies, good lies and bad lies. they are still all lies. it wont have impact on them, but it does have an impact on me. an impact on me that " I LIED" that is terrible enough for me.

if you want there to be your friend, you have to trust and respect them for them to trust and respect you. i am trying to trust and respect my friend, but i still can't figure out. too confuse. but every post without fail, i will mention *swinging sixties*. *swinging sixties* is always there to enlighten me. and i am so glad that *swinging sixties* swing by to tell me a lot of stuffs. and i hope to swing by others path to tell them. although it might be a minor stuffs only. this is " Pay it forward". i guess i am lucky in some way. i believe i might still be the old me if *swinging sixties* didn't swing by. and sometimes i wonder, if i will always be the old me if things didn't happen. i believe i will still be.......

Ms Lam, a special person that i befriended. nothing like my usual friends. she is abnormal. haha! but i guess she appear before me for a reason. cos we guided each other in the path and help each other in the path. though i might be able to help her in another path, but i hope i can help her in other paths. :)

[ there's always a price to pay for taking the shortcut ]

everybody used to say "you think for others, why didn't you think of yourself", "don't be too hard on yourself", "be nicer to yourself"

only people that are not selfish always commit to these mistakes. putting others before themselves, i do not know how hard it might be, but it might be a habit set inside your character.

why am i still that naive to think that only good things will happen to good people! stupid TV drama serials, always damn bloody portraying eventually in the end, good things will end up with good people, but in reality that doesn't seems to be the case. no matter how good you are, how kind you are, how selfishness you are, how generous you are, good things might not be with you. that's a fact that i must accept, but that does not mean that i am going to turn into a bad guy. but just to remind myself that how hard, tough and hurtful reality is. heaven already have a path for you to walk. i am glad that i was exposed to many things this age, seeing the true color of humans knowing that i was fucking too naive and innocent to believe everyone have good heart in them. Now, i believe it is very tough and hard to find a good heart in human, not even in me. probably i am not suitable to be in the mind playing game. still i am truly envy those who can play mind game, corporate games very well, because i can't. but then, i don't wish too as well. i just want a happy working environment, i help you in some ways, you help me in some ways. but fuck that thinking! this will really never never happen!!

glad that alot of things happen recently that brought me closer to where i really want to be and what i want to do. i know that what i want is something real simple, definitely not getting involved with people that can't be true. perhaps, my plan might changed down the road, perhaps not. but at least i know what i do not what to be involved with.

suddenly again, i feel that i lost my character! never mind, i will not be too into this and should be getting on my feet to find it back, so i'll be back!

Thank You, Dark Knight, Pony! I hope you will be one of the five people i will meet in heaven! :)

passion passion, that runs in everybody! i am going to grab my passion back! wait for me passion! coming to get you!

look on the brighter side.

in everyday's life, we are always making decision, be it a small or big decision, they are still decisions for us to make. and we do not know, if it might or might not affect us in the future. But i do realise now that i have to make every decision wisely and think of the long terms conditions. Nothing will go our way smoothly and there is nothing like lucky in life for me. i have already learnt that we have to lose something to gain something, but seriously sometimes, i can't see what i gain. Heaven is famous for being unfair, but in fact he is doing us a good deed by playing the bad guy. He makes us learn in life and teaches us how to make the right decision. Decision be it tough or easy are still decision we have to make in life. There's no easy way out on this so we gona learn the hard way. And the worst thing is that we don't know what this decision will lead us to, we can't predict what will happen after making the decision. Decision making is thus a lesson to learn in life.

With all the things happening around, it allow me to see so much. how selfish people can be, how mean they can be, how emotionless they can be and totally how disgusted human nature is. Then it dawned upon me that, being the kindest person is the toughest to be. Is tough to be 100% pure kindness in human, there bound to be that 20% of evilness in everyone. I want to be the nicest person but i realise that is tough. people are just pushing me to have those evil thoughts and negative comments about them. this i can't help it, but i will try to curb it.

Recently, i am really seeing some "Dark Knight" in me. Define "friends". for me, definition = tools . simple as that. Define " true friends". for me, definition = bullshit. simple as that. Define " best friends". for me, definition = a joke. simple as that. i am beginning to see more and beginning to realise that, she is absolutely right. "friends" don't exist, for my case. requirements to meet my label as friend, that is the freaking toughest thing to meet! is actually that simple, a word --> "heart"

no heart no talk. people around me are just there to constantly reminding me not to be one of them and i have to bear that in mind and always remind myself.

i am not worthy to be anyone's friend and neither can anyone be mine. *wink*

sometimes, human just disgust me that much.....

first time i am sitting upright, writing my post, normally i will lie on my bed and finish up the post. because i am gonna do some focus work after this post. this topic over and over again. how can life be perfect? how can a person be perfect? how can just anything be perfect? there must be some imperfection to shine the perfection. nobody can be perfect in this world, neither can i. no matter how unfortunate i think i am, there are always more unfortunate people out there comparing to me. no matter how unlucky i think i am, there will always be people that have worse luck than me. no matter how unhappy i think i feel, there bound to be people that is feeling 10 times worse than me. but they are still able to make the best out of it. they turned their unhappiness into something that can make them happy. probably, i should learn to be like them. using all my unhappiness to work on something that will make me happy. then this question dawned upon me, what is the thing that can make me happy? wow! such a simple question, i seem to have problem answering it, then how can i be happy? haha... but never mind, i will still learn. i believe, 1 day i will be happy!! 

"is interesting how people sees you" -- quoted from her. yes, i thought that was rather interesting too. from the mouth of strangers', acquaintances' or even friends, to see what they think of you then ponder about it myself, if i am really who they describe. is not about very bothered by how people sees me, but is more of curiosity. how do i fare in peoples' eyes.  but never did it occur to me that, perhaps because i have grown up and perceive things in a different way. i just always want to put the blame on the incident. but probably it isn't of the incident, probably the timing is just coincident. maybe... it never dawned upon me as " i have grown up!" until a friend of mine reminded me. ah... then it really might be because i grown up and see things in a different way, and are exposed to more things that deemed to be reality and realise fairy-tales doesn't exist, then i became more depressed because reality is killing. i think maybe.........

i said before, the most scariest thing in my life, is when i realise i lost myself. i lost who i am.. i lost knowing how to be me. i lost myself in this cruel reality. in my previous post, i mentioned about chasing things, then now i asked myself, why am i chasing some things in life that i hate? could it lead to a good deed in the end? ............

*i am used to being alone*

actually i have alot of things to say, but due to my tiredness, i dump them aside and forgot about them. so i am gonna bring along my scheduler so that whatever i want to jolt down at that moment i am able to do so. 

i rented "Bride Wars" DVD and watched it last night. It wasn't about romance movie, but it emphasize about friendship; a friendship that lasted for over 20 years, bearing the same dream/ideal place of marriage and season to get married. how warming and nice, if there is really a friend like this. it is so sweet. sometimes, having only 1 best friend is the best in life that could happen isn't it? 

i am not sure what is ur take on this, but someone shared this with me and i reckon with it. in life, is all about chasing, chasing for your dream, chasing for the person you want to me, chasing to have that achievement, chasing all your life for yourself. So in life is a never ending chasing process. So, it caught me thinking, maybe i was running real slow for the first 200m, then i realize i need to buck up so i speed up for the next 500m, however because my stamina wasn't that strong to maintain the speed, so i felt very tired and slowed down for the next 2km, then i dawned upon me that i was really really behind, then this time i taught myself to speed up at a comfortable speed so that i will be able to maintain the same speed for the remaining of my journey. doesn't this apply to life as well, forever chasing, sometimes you are too into, too focus in chasing that you lost alot of things in life, the scenery everything and in the end you were too tired, then you slowed down in life again, after realizing that you have to speed up, your opponents is already way in front of you. Now, i feel so tired, probably because i was too into focusing on myself that i lost alot of nice things around me, and maybe i feel tired chasing things in life.

she mentioned too, people may skip some steps to reach to the top but you finish the whole process to reach the top. people that skipped, missed out on the overwhelming scenery that they could see, but yet i get to see it and still reach the top. so, i believe now i am gonna slow down on things. another enriching journey but to realize that i deteriorate. i should keep up the spirit of learning in life and not give up. :) 

i have let it go completely...

Sometimes, you just wants to be alone.

Thank you wei wei… that’s very sweet of you. But now, Australia got a couple of suspected swine flu, so I better stay away from Aussie. Hahahaha.. kidding la… I will go there by myself before you are all ready to come back. Then, I will be able to travel around myself, it will be so cool! JThank you!!

wei wei, I am not actually waiting for someone to appear, I am searching for my soul back… haha… that someone can appear or can just disappear, doesn’t matter much to me though.. I believe what’s most important to be now is grabbing my soul back and get on with what I want to do. Now, it occurs to me that I don’t have the courage to pursue my dream that I have been talking all about. Is not about able and not able, is all about whether I am daring or not daring. Perhaps, not at this stage, I still have to finish my degree to secure myself and earn my pride. That’s the purpose of it, isn’t it. I think this 2 years, I have been trying to be myself, and all about myself that I lost touch with getting to know people or being friends. I believe I was once a good friend to my friends, but now I don’t know how to be a friend anymore. The more I am your friend, the more I am not a friend. I am not a caring friend, not a nice friend, not a easy-going friend anymore. Why is it so? I was too occupied with myself that I threw that part of me away. Dumped it all…. I guess my balancing failed badly. Ah wei posted a superb old school picture on facebook and I got a shock! Who is that girl?!! God, don’t mention anybody else, I don even recognize myself, I lost that smile, lost the freedom of smile, lost the happy go lucky feel…. Whoa! Yea, can’t deny that I change a lot. Tremendously. I don’t hate my change, but I hate it when I am lost again.

I wanna get out get out get out and be alone!

sometimes i feel myself behaving like a wavy graph.....

i know that i have changed much since. i know that, there is a period of time where i love my change. i know that my change is definitely for the good. but now, i am starting to doubt myself. once i was just anybody out on the road, then i found myself, being myself, was happy about myself.  now i think i am stranding out in the world, losing myself, can't get hold of myself. now, i think i am lost. when a person gets lost, they have a choice. either left or right, front of back? but i don't see any directions in front of me now. i am lost in a desert where no directions seems to be the way out. i felt so helpless, depressed and tired. walking all the while in this never ending desert, when will i find my way out?

depressed? i believe i am. i feel like putting a halt to whatever is happening to my life. i don't enjoy working anymore, i don't enjoy hanging out with friends anymore, i don't enjoy anything in life. my brain is not working, not thinking, not operating, not functioning. where is it that out of 10 things i did, 10 things seems all wrong. 

give me my dreams, give me guidance that it is workable. lead me there, and i will show you how serious and focus i can be and will be. why am i walking away from being a true libran? probably i should really take a break, probably this will be the best for me....

it is hard to find someone that really really really understand you or really really really know how you feel and what you are thinking. probably 1 in a billion. friends are good, they could be a good tool to enlighten me about something that i never thought about myself, but never 1 really know how i really feel. probably the problem lies in me? never truthful about my feelings ... never really allow anyone to understand my thoughts... never allow anyone to step in-depth..... probably is just me.............

things will be simpler if i am simple.....