sometime i wish i won't repeat the same thing twice. OMG!! it is seriously coming to another year end. damn! time passed fucking fast this year round. and i hate this year. my every year's resolution is to have a better year than previous, but i guess my wish always turn on the other side. it will just get worse and worse each year instead of getting better. i never imagine i had to pass through such a difficult time this year round. nothing is going my way. mistakes made during work is seriously getting on my nerves. i hate to face the politic office issues, i hate to face the fact that i failed so badly in judging people. i hate to face the fact that i always thought that everybody is nice and good. i hate the fact that i stand so strong on my own judgment but ended up wrong. seriously, what's wrong with me? i have a problem with people. in this world there are things that can make me happy. but i only tend to remember things that made me sad. in this world there are so many people that can put a smile on your face but i only hate the people that make me tear. in this world there are so many people that can make you laugh but i only cry for those who make me sad. in this world there are so many different people out there searching for their soulmate but keep on making going to the wrong one. hell to the world. hell to me! ha! i realise something, no-one can't live without anyone. in this world there's alot of things you have to depend on yourself, and don't ever say things like:" i can't live without you" which i seriously think is bullshit! you were born to live for yourself. you were born to step your foot in this world. you were born for who you are. so never say you can't live on without anyone. everyone should learn their means and way of living. everyone should have their stlye of surviving. and i love hanging out with bestie. recently being to the barracks over at demspey which was a very cool chillout place. always have never-ending chatting session with her. i really don't know what will happen down the road. so far, there i could not see any sign. but life is moving on, moving forward. everybody has their own stuffs. and seriously i think i should better get alive and not wasting my youth meeting uncles everyday. ha! orite, back on track with the hills. and brody should really get together with lauren. and god! lauren got to meet Marc Jacobs... how cool is that... and bloody shit, she is acting so calm when she saw him which he was one of her favourites! haha...that's funny!! okie, i am going to continues seeing uncles everyday. let me know who's life is sadder than mine?

my new hair months ago;

sometimes i wish i am not so stubborn.


it has been time since i blog. cause i did mention that i will only blog if i have something happy to share about. or maybe when i see some happy things in my life. right now, i did spend 2 happy days recently. which was on the eve and actual day of my birthday. i had a good girls night out dinning and chilling with my bestie and several girlfriends. Thank you! my birthday wont be any better without them. especially with my bestie.. seriously, she is a must in my birthday celebration. and her sister is so adorable and nice!! she made, MADE a pillow herself for me. so i have a handmade pillow for my birthday present. she is so cool!! and bestie did give me a good birthday and birthday present. really a big thanks to him. and the girls. without them the day out wont be good! thank you girls.

and on the actual day itself, i went out with my sec sch friends. seriously, i was disappointed that it was last minute but then i understand them....i sincerely thank them for the effort. seriously, could feel their effort. the cake and the present. they all tried to make it to come out. thank you. and joel!! he is also a must.. he damn hilarious!! superb!! always made me laugh to the max. and we watch this movie "the brave one" from the movie i understand that people changed due to circumstances! unknowingly, they changed due to surroundings and happenings.
the show was quite a dry one but i guess i understand alot from it.
and sorry, i couldn't act normally. it has been just difficult. but thanks everybody. you guys just turned my birthday into a great and successful one.

my brother and parents gave me very very good birthday present! thank you. my brother's card made me burst out in tears.

lastly, thanks everyone who remembered and wish me on my birthday. that was my 21st!! however, i seriously don have the birthday feeling.... alright, i am gona share some pictures. here we go.....


Day : 12.10.2007, Friday
Venue : Oosh
Time : 10:30pm

bestie and me;loveherjie and me;

mary and me;

nana and me;

jie,mary and me;

Day: 13.10.2007, Saturday
Venue : Vivocity rooftop stage
Time: 11:00pm

my 2nd birthday cake;raspberry&blueberry ice cream cake!

timer1;

timer2;

timer3;

timer4;timer5;

3,2,1 NOW!! ;

hair-eater;snapshot;reporting sir;thank you & sorry;thank you cause i know he won't forget;thank you cause he always has his ways to make me laugh; little boy.thank you for being the bestest friend.thank you for "giving me the psp"thank you for eating alot!;ha
lastly, this was my wish. and i seriously hope it comes true. i don't care about other birthday's wish but i thought, 21st birthday wishes should come true!! and i made the same 3 wishes twice! so it better come true. sincerely wish!

sometime i wish i could disappear......

WOW!! i salute to my own courage...finally the coast is clear. i've never felt so terrible in my life before. i've never shivered that badly before. i've never know what is like when you find yourself struggling to breathe. i've never felt that unbearable before. i swear i will never wanna have this kind of emotional running inside. but i am happy that things got figured out. i did it for myself sacrificing ... difficulties. now, i understand what it meant by "time isn't right". sorry for that.
but thank you.

luo went in army today. and yesterday i totally feel like killing him!! cos he keeps saying things that he know he shouldn't have!! but, i understand his concern. hope he will be doing well inside. they are the only secondary school friends that i am still in contact with. that's good that everyone is finally enlisted. and guess 2 years will passed by very fast. there bound to be many things that will happen in the next 2 years. but, i can't predict much. still feel like leaving here so much...seems like everyone i know, everyone is leaving here, when will it be my turn?

hmm, guess i will stop posting for awhile until i found some happiness to write about.
this is no lie that - life is like a drama. everyday just screening different kind of storyline, with different characters.

this is no lie, that this box of potiful sweet really contain this lucky " heart " shape sweet! was exhilarated that i found it!

need to do something to my complexion.

sometime i wish you could disappear......

i think i have make it a habit for me to post every sunday. actually the post allows me to distress. cos i need not make it out clearly what,who,where i was referring to. is good enough that i know it myself. i realize crying is a form of distressing. maybe is "my way to distress" after a good cry, i will feel better....i fell terribly sick on wednesday, which i never felt it before. nauseous, weak, giddy, just simply damn uncomfortable and i have no idea why my tears just kept falling down uncontrollably. i can't help it but i keep crying...maybe it when one happens to be very weak and will just cry easily. but i am okay now. but still feel like letting out a good cry!!

this whole 2 weeks, i wasn't a loser. i was able to tell myself not to do it. no mails, no msg. and i did it!! not to prove what, but have to let go. cos i know i should focus on something that i could see future in, that i believe if i put in effort i can make it. that i believe i can do it. but again, i dare not put such high hopes on it. cos the more i expected, the least i get. this always happens on me....

i was back on track on "the hills", the more i watched, the more i want the life of lauren conrad. she isn't some bitchy ladies that seriously is a bad girl. but she is cool, fun and love friends. and she really should deserve someone good. though, the hills somehow some parts looks alittle dramatic, but i love watching it. all the girls are so beautiful and pretty. and all her dresses and shirts she wore is so nice and suits her so well. i really love her life. and brody is damn "hot" maybe if i were to have a son next time, he shall be name brody. cos, name with brody are "hot hunk" eg. "adam brody" haha...he is another cute guy!!

there are so much regrets i have in life. so much i am going for. so much that i hope i can do alot of things in a day. so much that i think a day is not enough for me. so much that i hope i have 3 of me to do alot of things at the same time.

my blog has been classified as a "emotional and sad blog". ya, maybe that's me. it is definitely very hard for me to write some happy things here when my life is no where near happiness!! but seriously, there isn't many people reading it. i guess i read it more than anyone else. is a good thing, cos when i read back my past, at least i know how bad my english was. haha.....


all the things said were lies;
lies that never come true;
lies that make everything turned out to be so yucky;
lies that make me feel uneasy;
lies that keep repeating in my head;
lies that i wanna forget;
lies.........

thinking of having a short hair.

should i cut it?where can i find my shining star? shining shining;

sometimes i wish for too many things.......

is it all over? really over? why am i so stubborn on certain things? seriously, i have no idea how i should face it...or how i should just pretend " i am okay" which in fact the truth is i am not. how could it never ever bother or maybe is just the characteristic of itself...i always tell frennie that i am brave, ya, brave my ass....i am brave when my face is in my ass...damn! when the hell will i have the courage to face it! i just want to be alone!

who ever created music to be full of feelings and emotions....who ever created music to be part of a person's life...who ever created music and allow it to dominate a person's feelings...who ever created music that make people cry...who ever created music as if it doesn't exist the world doesn't exist as well...who the hell ever created music!!!

a simple theory here..... i hurt my hand and it bled... which i decided to leave it as it is....i have no intentions to apply any medicine to it....i decided to let it heal itself...so i just put on a plaster for 2 weeks which i won't get to see the injuries and just leave it as it is....but everytime, i have an urge to take off the plaster but i can't bear seeing the injuries so even when the wound is healed, i still put plaster on it to avoid seeing it. so, this week i decided to take off the plaster and that's was when i washed the wound. and it was also then, i realised my wound was deeply cut. deeply injured. i feel the pain however when the wound is healed, there is no longer any pain ... but i there was scar... the scar was left to remain me on what had happen. a scar that will be planted forever. that will be with me forever. doesn't this show how stubborn i am .... how stubborn i just allowed myself to get hurt...how stubborn i just leave the wound like that....and in the end, i have this ugly scar...this pathetic ugly scar...i hope there won't be a second time....

i am utterly disappointed;

life is starting to be bad for me...
i forsee it will be worse....
so who will be on my side to tell me that everything will be okay, everything will be fine, everything will turn on a better side...trust me, i am very gullible....just tell me this and i will definitely believe in you.....

anyway, i met up with victor and bran that day after such a long separation.. it wasn't the whole group..just a couple of us....though i don't feel awkward facing them..but the close friendship we had this there anymore..we are merely just friends now....but how the hell brandon keeps getting thinner and thinner !!!




very disappointed;
very ashamed;
very angry;
very upset;
very unhappy;
full of resentment;

sometimes i wish i could just forget all those unhappy memories.....

what a bad week for me! i was reading some passed, and realise it drag on for a year already. a year again. a year for a silly mistake again. a year i thought was a chance. a year to be a fool. alright, guess had enough. i guess is all over.. i might be sad for a period but i believe i will be over it. cos i should be the one controlling my emotional and feelings and not let anyone else have the control right? okay, whatever not in the mood for good sentences.please go away! yes!

puzzled, need not feel puzzled cos i am more puzzled than you are..

for certain things, i am brave enough to fight for it, cos i know i will not lost anything while trying but i will certainly lose something if i don't. however, for other things, i will lost something if i don't try but i guess i will lose more if i try. ha... confusing but i understand what i am trying to tell myself. guess, just let me console myself and let me feel better. cos things were already bad and has become worse.
now, i guess my whole life will be just about myself. and more about myself. others can be so selfish to just think about themselves. why can't i do the same? what do i gain if i care more for others, in the end, i am the one who end up getting hurt... so i should be evil and heartless... how come the more i say, the more serious this matter seems to be... nahz, it just a trivial matter.


kids are so easily amused. and the satisfaction you get from it is so much and so fast and you could just see them immediate reaction to your expression. thats why kids appear to be so navie and harmless. that's the best part of being kids, isn't it? the older you get, the more damn problems you tend to face, to worry and have to challenge for! but that's being life.....

i am looking so far in front hoping life will be better and get away from what's not belong to me.

i will be happier....

sometime i wish i am confident enough......


oh ya, i haven mentioned about attending my primary's school fren' s 21st birthday party....wow!! it was pretty amazing, as we could still gather quite a number of our gang that we hang out frequently with...it was good seeing everybody doing so well...some even brought along their the other half....i guess sooner or later, i will be attending wedding dinners instead...some of my primary school mates said i changed, which i thought it was pretty true...but they mentioned that my chinese sounded different....but that's not true...how could i change my chinese which all along i speak like that...and finally i have to face lydia...haha...and ya saw here...from her,i also realise something... your the other half is none other than being your best fren...talk about everything under the sun...share almost everything... and accompany each other wherever the other half goes....but in relationship, there bound to be one party that will lose out... cos in a relationship you either have the upper hand or you just die under the upper hand....either you control the relationship or you are being controlled....either you are the one who is always giving in or the one whos always just receiving it....when it comes to love, i believe there's no equality.

i am looking far towards my dream...and really wish for it to really come true...i can't wait for next year to come..i can't wait for it to start... i can't wait for what i want to really come true...maybe i could get back on track and get focus on what i want and stop dreaming of things that will never happen....

like i said, if it happen, it is just a bonus, if it doesn't maybe it is destiny that have to stay this way.....

best friends....what made best friend? i found that, that i suck at consoling my bestie.... i suck at doing nothing for her.... i suck at being her friend.... hmmm... i guess if i am not with her yest, i will never really know how sad she will be...how bad the whole situation is...... i wish i could do something to make her feel better..... but i am sorry fren....didnt manage to be of help....

alright some primary school peeps::




thank you....

sometimes i wish i could be deeply in love.........


recently, i have this "wishlist" and the list keeps going longer....i have plenty of things to get...plenty of stuffs i wish to have although i am poor... let's take a peek at my wishlist....
:- "banana republic bag/wallet"
:- "1st gen black ipod nano"
:- "fisheye camera"
:- "a hongkong getaway"
:- "everlast shoes"
:- "nautica watch"

if the list still goes on...i think i really need to declare bankrupt!! haha...god...how come nothing is cheap in my wishlist? haha...oh ya, did i mention i was into this Sudoku craze...i have this sudoku book with me and i play it in the train which my friend think that i should stop being like one typical working adults that gets bore taking the train!! but it is a very good tool for killing time...and to gain satisfaction... is not that easy to really solve the puzzle...it killed plenty of my brain cells...haha.... anyway, meeting once a week with jiayi is really not enough....why didn't i realise what she is going through? but think that her life now is perfect!!... guess i am not a very good friend still... why are her other frens wary yet i encourage? argh!! but i am really happy that she is my dear good fren...that's the best part about poly life....where we go thru thick and thin....been thru the hell and heaven....and really with no motives for being friends and just wanna be friends....so if people ask me what i gain from poly...that will be friends!! friends and plenty of friends....


alright, today is Happy National Day but i don't feel happy or excited at all...however on the other hand, foreigners get so much more excited than what a singaporean should feel. i was on the lift with 2 ang mohs, and they were like discussing where to catch the fireworks and was so excited about the national day parade. but why i don't feel anything at all? i am just thankful that today is a public holiday and i need not slogged in the office...damn!!

i once love fireworks....like i mentioned so long ago that fireworks is beautiful but could only last for a few moments...that few moments brought alot of happiness and promises and smiles in millions of people's faces. couple may choose this romantic moment to tie their knots, family get around to share the happiness and joyous moment of this short moment.... as,it is rare to see fireworks in singapore, that became what people would wish for. long ago, i already feel that my life is meaningless... but i just realize something. though my life is empty now, but i am feeling empty in search of being filled....i am waiting for what i desire to come true....somehow deep in my heart, i believe that will happen although bad luck is always sticking with me....but if i didn't have bad luck how am i supposed to know i am in luck? make sense? haha... and i can't stand it anymore...please please...i wanna get away...


when love become feelings.....
when yearning become habits....
when letting go is just a click away....
when...........................................................

sometimes i wish i can wander around the world.

it has been a week. week by week will passed this way. i will then feel useless week by week, day by day! why did my path turn out to be like this? but i guess, it did widen by circle of friends, help broaden by knowledge. i came to realize something, or is it that i am that easily being influenced. she told me :" to phrase it in a blunt way, i don't thing i need friends, cos friend's presence is just a tool that allow us to make use of" if, you want to describe it in a more crude and blunt and impolite manner, yes, this is what it can be describe as. at the first place, why do we need friends? cos we want their attention, their care and concern and their time. so, by right, is we making use of friends. find them when we encountered problems, hoping they would lend either a helping hand or a pair of listening ear? somehow, someway, i do agree this saying. but to think again one big round. people do need friends. when she was telling me she doesn't have any friends. not even a close ones. i do find it hard to believe. cos, a person bound to have one or two good friends whom they can confide in, they can seek solutions from or just have some gossiping sessions with. how could someone really live without a friend? i am amazed! i do look up to her in someway. she appear to be strong and independent. those kind of modern woman and at the same time stylish! cool!

i am tired...really tired...could i just quit it all, quit it off....i am really unhappy that i am unable to fulfil things that i want to do. i am unhappy that i am not able to do what i really have love for...i am sad that i am stuck...i am fucking angry that i have to go through all this....why can't they just leave me alone...i didn't mean to give them face, talk to them in that manner. but the thoughts of them putting me in this situation really anger me that much till i don know how i should face or talk to them anymore. and i really wanna go away alone... it may be scary.... but i want to try.... was telling le that it may be my one and only time. who knows, i may hate to travel alone again!! haha....i hate the things i am doing right now! seriously hate! fucking hate! bloody hate!!

u guys know somethings, " thoughts are for free!" why do i say this? cos i do not need to pay for what i am thinking. cos i have been thinking alot and alot...and every time after all my thoughts, i tell myself :" alright, this time i am going to do just that! i am going just go it all out!" but i guess when it comes to action, i might be a tortoise and hide back inside the protected shell!! how nice if we have to pay, to think on any single things, then i would consider properly before i really want to think! haha...

why am i a Singaporean? then again, there is it's pros and cons. but how i wish my birth country is Australia or California which i could live my desire live... but things will be different then.... maybe i still don get the fact that my life now is actually not bad....maybe i must lose something to gain another...maybe i must make a mistake to realize my wrongs....maybe i have to take the step to give up the whole flights...maybe i have to be brave to realize i am actually a coward...maybe, ah fuck it, stop maybe-ing...... money won't drop if i continue sitting here, my dreams won't realize if my ass is still stuck on the chair.... things just won't happen if i do nothing.

i am disappointed.... being sad over it.... very disappointed over it...maybe it's just not important at all!! i am just someone to call when free....someone to waste time on when free....ah, anyway, shoot it out and die it....

alright, there's this damn hot damn hot guy that the 3 of us spotted in our building...he is way too hot!! boiling hot at 200 degrees C!! alright, my lovely pictures time!!

love this skirt!!please heal my dark circles!!

i s i t th e w a y th i ng s go i ng to e n d?
w ha t d oes it al l mean?
i a m ti red wor n o ut

sometimes i wish i was brave enough........

another has passed yet i am still stuck there. there are so many things that make me think alot. my mind has never stopped for a second. even in my dreams, i am still dreaming what i am thinking. funny right? but that's just life for me isn't it? no matter how much i wish my life would be like "Lauren Conrad", how much i wish i could be her, how much i wish i am just like her, that's impossible cos i am just fated to be what i am and who i am. i am still thinking where i am heading to. and i know i am still into fashion. really wanna start kicking off with that. i had enough of bearing and patience.

can you ever stand a "twin" like you? i can't! bloody can't!! haha......i miss the times i am always with jiayi.....sometimes, i could understand why Singaporeans are getting away from their own country. cos no sense of belonging? maybe...cos i remembered since i was in primary school i was taught that we should have a sense of belonging to our country. we are taught to do that, but still there isn't any sense of belonging, or is it just only me? to say the truth, felt a little embrassed being a Singaporean. cos we are always remembered for our bad behavior, our bad attitude. how kiasu singaporeans are, how calculative singaporean are. that's why, i am just barely 21 and badly want to get out of here.... how could i still survive another 10 years down the road? ha! relax, i am just being exaggerating. but, just like every family have their own problems, every country have their own problems too. like me choose the country i wanna live in, if i were given a chance. i would go for...............Los Angeles.

i felt such a loser to be like this now...hahahah......freaking loser......
alright, i shall stop here.....
hmm., another sad week coming..............i hate it.....

pictures to share....


Event: Baolong's 21st celebration

the beautiful wine glass;

the group shot;

they bully me!

this monster fellow;one moment try to kiss me;the other moment wanna eat me! HELP!!

haha, that was baolong 21st birthday celebration. should have posted long ago...

Event : Kenneth 21st birthday celebration.

let's join in the fun!

stupid joel!!i think i can send this picture for competition!!
hahaha!! but it was a nice shot!

alright, kyeo's birthday celebration.... he went army le...haiz...nobody to share the following burden with!! hahahaha......

alright, next my pictures!!

please tell me what to do?

just trying to be cheeky!

i s t hat a n an sw er ?
o r a qu e sti on?
wi ll i kno w in t he e nd?
i do n wa nt to s it i nto th e que s tio n
i do n' t w an t to be a f ool ag ai n........