let me be the one......

let me be the one to shine....

let me be the one to dream...

let me be the one......

who do i want to be? i was catching Project Runway Season 6 just now, and jealousy caught me again. both jealousy and envy. How come they are doing what they have been wanting to do, yet i can't do anything to reach there. i am angry with myself for not having the courage to be where i want to be. if i have 110% of passion running in me, nothing could have stop me. but sometimes, it is difficult not to let the surroundings affect you. sometimes, it is difficult just to ignore it. sometimes, it is difficult just to be selfish. however, by taking all this factors into considerations, i became a miserable person. how i envy those who are pursuing their dream, how i envy those who are already doing what they have been wanting. how i envy. Watching Project Runway really makes me sad. There's this girl who is just exactly my age, and she is starting out a path for herself in the fashion world. but here i am drifting further and further away from my fashion world. One of the judges is Lindsay, and she has her own label. How come it seems so easy for celebs to create their own label, setting up their own label. How come? because of their ability to influence, because they really like fashion, or otherwise. i would have thought otherwise. 

My cousin told me that she was afraid of her future, where she will stand when 5 years passed, where will she be in the future. every step she makes now is for her future, thinking for her future. but it never chanced upon me that the step i make now is planning for my future. i just simply took every step that appeared before me. because that's the easiest way out? Nope, because sometimes i do not have much choices. somehow, back in my mind, i do have plans for my future, what i really want to do. but whether it is workable, i doubt myself, i doubt my ability and capabilities. i hate it when people tell me that "you sure are capable of completing that, you are capable, you are good," because to me that are lies. when i am not even impressed by myself, how can i impress others?!

i have always said this, you will never know what this step will bring you, if i know what this step may bring me, i would have been successful by now. by then again, i am nobody. am i too eager to do something out on my own? am i eager to prove something to myself? am i too rush in trying to do things. and probably, my interest lies in somewhere else. okay, that's the saddest part of all. if that is so, i would have to start everything all over again. and i don't think i have time to repeat things in my life again. i think i should make my decision right, and not waiting to let time prove it right. i choose this decision, then i should think of ways to convince myself, something is going to work out somehow.  

truly, i really lost all my feelings, think back, maybe i cried that day is because of the influence of the people that are crying and not that i am really sad about the departure. maybe i lost it all, it all meant nothing since very long ago. i am just a emo drama. 

i think i care about myself more than anyone does.

我是一箇多麼喜歡朋友的人， 卻變成周圍都沒朋友的人。

我曾是一箇多麼樂觀的人， 但這沒維持多久， 悲傷就對我招手。

說這要成為我的好朋友。 

從那箇時後， 悲傷確實成為了我最好的朋友。

它是箇非常忠實的朋友， 從沒讓我失望。

因為， 它終是把悲傷帶給我。

但成為了， 它的朋友後， 我非常難受。

每天， 過著非常難過的日子。

盼望， 那一天， 快樂或幸福做我的朋友。

給我快樂， 給我歡笑。

但， 會有那麼一天嗎？

今天， 想用華文來發表我的心情， 但有一點忘詞了！ 哈！ 哈！沒靈感啊！ 救命啊！

原來， 寂寞是一件非常感傷的事實！

天天，千千萬萬的陌生人經過你的身邊

偏偏， 你卻是甚麼的沈默

腦里想的都是過去的回憶

那是， 多麼可悲的背影

也是， 一段不真實的夢

一段自己的想法跟想要加強我的中文。

明天， 會是一箇新的開始。 划下了一箇終點， 就會在臨一箇地方開始新的起跑點。 人生一定要有分分離離才會是完美的。因為， 有了分分離離， 人才會珍惜人余人之間的相處。人余人不會有百分百的喜歡， 因為人不是完美的。 但相處後， 就可以把不喜歡變成喜歡。 

我的心情故事到這里。 

i always associate life with many things that happen in our daily life. Just like driving.

sometimes, you intersects people's path, sometimes others intersect in your path. life is never a smooth riding journey. is all about how you want to make the journey smooth or easier. you can choose an expressway that is free from red lights, or a shorter way but you have alot of red lights in your life. Life is never easy.

this theory has always been set in my mind, " the more you don't want it to happen, the more it will happen, but the more you want it to happen, the more it won't happen ". i believe this occurs on alot of you before. but sometimes, you can stop things from happening, but sometimes, is just difficult for you to stop things from happening. opportunities don't come always. it might come once and go forever, or it might never come. so, i really didn't want the opportunities to go away and regret in my life. i said before i don't want to do things that i will regret in life. although, constantly it has been happening in my life everyday. but there are some things i can do to not regret in life. so, forgive me from pulling out and go for my opportunities. i might not have a good time with the new opportunities but i know i must try it. i can only say i am truly grateful for your opportunity. i don't know how to repay just truly grateful to you all. pardon me for leaving though i know i have received alot of care from you all. sorry for not being able to fight on the same line. but i know i need this opportunities to venture out and no be kept in a protected shell. everyone thinks i don know how to handle situation, everyone thinks that i am not able to handle situations. but sometimes, is just difficult to lie to someone i think is a good person.

now i have a question. define "lying". some said, if i am lying for a good cause, then i am doing a good deed. but still, is a lie. lying is never for a good deed unless you really have to do it otherwise. though my lies might not have impact on others, might not affect them somehow, but it is still a lie. a lie will always be a lie. there is no white lies, good lies and bad lies. they are still all lies. it wont have impact on them, but it does have an impact on me. an impact on me that " I LIED" that is terrible enough for me.

if you want there to be your friend, you have to trust and respect them for them to trust and respect you. i am trying to trust and respect my friend, but i still can't figure out. too confuse. but every post without fail, i will mention *swinging sixties*. *swinging sixties* is always there to enlighten me. and i am so glad that *swinging sixties* swing by to tell me a lot of stuffs. and i hope to swing by others path to tell them. although it might be a minor stuffs only. this is " Pay it forward". i guess i am lucky in some way. i believe i might still be the old me if *swinging sixties* didn't swing by. and sometimes i wonder, if i will always be the old me if things didn't happen. i believe i will still be.......

Ms Lam, a special person that i befriended. nothing like my usual friends. she is abnormal. haha! but i guess she appear before me for a reason. cos we guided each other in the path and help each other in the path. though i might be able to help her in another path, but i hope i can help her in other paths. :)

[ there's always a price to pay for taking the shortcut ]

everybody used to say "you think for others, why didn't you think of yourself", "don't be too hard on yourself", "be nicer to yourself"

only people that are not selfish always commit to these mistakes. putting others before themselves, i do not know how hard it might be, but it might be a habit set inside your character.

why am i still that naive to think that only good things will happen to good people! stupid TV drama serials, always damn bloody portraying eventually in the end, good things will end up with good people, but in reality that doesn't seems to be the case. no matter how good you are, how kind you are, how selfishness you are, how generous you are, good things might not be with you. that's a fact that i must accept, but that does not mean that i am going to turn into a bad guy. but just to remind myself that how hard, tough and hurtful reality is. heaven already have a path for you to walk. i am glad that i was exposed to many things this age, seeing the true color of humans knowing that i was fucking too naive and innocent to believe everyone have good heart in them. Now, i believe it is very tough and hard to find a good heart in human, not even in me. probably i am not suitable to be in the mind playing game. still i am truly envy those who can play mind game, corporate games very well, because i can't. but then, i don't wish too as well. i just want a happy working environment, i help you in some ways, you help me in some ways. but fuck that thinking! this will really never never happen!!

glad that alot of things happen recently that brought me closer to where i really want to be and what i want to do. i know that what i want is something real simple, definitely not getting involved with people that can't be true. perhaps, my plan might changed down the road, perhaps not. but at least i know what i do not what to be involved with.

suddenly again, i feel that i lost my character! never mind, i will not be too into this and should be getting on my feet to find it back, so i'll be back!

Thank You, Dark Knight, Pony! I hope you will be one of the five people i will meet in heaven! :)

passion passion, that runs in everybody! i am going to grab my passion back! wait for me passion! coming to get you!

look on the brighter side.

in everyday's life, we are always making decision, be it a small or big decision, they are still decisions for us to make. and we do not know, if it might or might not affect us in the future. But i do realise now that i have to make every decision wisely and think of the long terms conditions. Nothing will go our way smoothly and there is nothing like lucky in life for me. i have already learnt that we have to lose something to gain something, but seriously sometimes, i can't see what i gain. Heaven is famous for being unfair, but in fact he is doing us a good deed by playing the bad guy. He makes us learn in life and teaches us how to make the right decision. Decision be it tough or easy are still decision we have to make in life. There's no easy way out on this so we gona learn the hard way. And the worst thing is that we don't know what this decision will lead us to, we can't predict what will happen after making the decision. Decision making is thus a lesson to learn in life.

With all the things happening around, it allow me to see so much. how selfish people can be, how mean they can be, how emotionless they can be and totally how disgusted human nature is. Then it dawned upon me that, being the kindest person is the toughest to be. Is tough to be 100% pure kindness in human, there bound to be that 20% of evilness in everyone. I want to be the nicest person but i realise that is tough. people are just pushing me to have those evil thoughts and negative comments about them. this i can't help it, but i will try to curb it.

Recently, i am really seeing some "Dark Knight" in me. Define "friends". for me, definition = tools . simple as that. Define " true friends". for me, definition = bullshit. simple as that. Define " best friends". for me, definition = a joke. simple as that. i am beginning to see more and beginning to realise that, she is absolutely right. "friends" don't exist, for my case. requirements to meet my label as friend, that is the freaking toughest thing to meet! is actually that simple, a word --> "heart"

no heart no talk. people around me are just there to constantly reminding me not to be one of them and i have to bear that in mind and always remind myself.

i am not worthy to be anyone's friend and neither can anyone be mine. *wink*

sometimes, human just disgust me that much.....

first time i am sitting upright, writing my post, normally i will lie on my bed and finish up the post. because i am gonna do some focus work after this post. this topic over and over again. how can life be perfect? how can a person be perfect? how can just anything be perfect? there must be some imperfection to shine the perfection. nobody can be perfect in this world, neither can i. no matter how unfortunate i think i am, there are always more unfortunate people out there comparing to me. no matter how unlucky i think i am, there will always be people that have worse luck than me. no matter how unhappy i think i feel, there bound to be people that is feeling 10 times worse than me. but they are still able to make the best out of it. they turned their unhappiness into something that can make them happy. probably, i should learn to be like them. using all my unhappiness to work on something that will make me happy. then this question dawned upon me, what is the thing that can make me happy? wow! such a simple question, i seem to have problem answering it, then how can i be happy? haha... but never mind, i will still learn. i believe, 1 day i will be happy!! 

"is interesting how people sees you" -- quoted from her. yes, i thought that was rather interesting too. from the mouth of strangers', acquaintances' or even friends, to see what they think of you then ponder about it myself, if i am really who they describe. is not about very bothered by how people sees me, but is more of curiosity. how do i fare in peoples' eyes.  but never did it occur to me that, perhaps because i have grown up and perceive things in a different way. i just always want to put the blame on the incident. but probably it isn't of the incident, probably the timing is just coincident. maybe... it never dawned upon me as " i have grown up!" until a friend of mine reminded me. ah... then it really might be because i grown up and see things in a different way, and are exposed to more things that deemed to be reality and realise fairy-tales doesn't exist, then i became more depressed because reality is killing. i think maybe.........

i said before, the most scariest thing in my life, is when i realise i lost myself. i lost who i am.. i lost knowing how to be me. i lost myself in this cruel reality. in my previous post, i mentioned about chasing things, then now i asked myself, why am i chasing some things in life that i hate? could it lead to a good deed in the end? ............

*i am used to being alone*

actually i have alot of things to say, but due to my tiredness, i dump them aside and forgot about them. so i am gonna bring along my scheduler so that whatever i want to jolt down at that moment i am able to do so. 

i rented "Bride Wars" DVD and watched it last night. It wasn't about romance movie, but it emphasize about friendship; a friendship that lasted for over 20 years, bearing the same dream/ideal place of marriage and season to get married. how warming and nice, if there is really a friend like this. it is so sweet. sometimes, having only 1 best friend is the best in life that could happen isn't it? 

i am not sure what is ur take on this, but someone shared this with me and i reckon with it. in life, is all about chasing, chasing for your dream, chasing for the person you want to me, chasing to have that achievement, chasing all your life for yourself. So in life is a never ending chasing process. So, it caught me thinking, maybe i was running real slow for the first 200m, then i realize i need to buck up so i speed up for the next 500m, however because my stamina wasn't that strong to maintain the speed, so i felt very tired and slowed down for the next 2km, then i dawned upon me that i was really really behind, then this time i taught myself to speed up at a comfortable speed so that i will be able to maintain the same speed for the remaining of my journey. doesn't this apply to life as well, forever chasing, sometimes you are too into, too focus in chasing that you lost alot of things in life, the scenery everything and in the end you were too tired, then you slowed down in life again, after realizing that you have to speed up, your opponents is already way in front of you. Now, i feel so tired, probably because i was too into focusing on myself that i lost alot of nice things around me, and maybe i feel tired chasing things in life.

she mentioned too, people may skip some steps to reach to the top but you finish the whole process to reach the top. people that skipped, missed out on the overwhelming scenery that they could see, but yet i get to see it and still reach the top. so, i believe now i am gonna slow down on things. another enriching journey but to realize that i deteriorate. i should keep up the spirit of learning in life and not give up. :) 

i have let it go completely...

Sometimes, you just wants to be alone.

Thank you wei wei… that’s very sweet of you. But now, Australia got a couple of suspected swine flu, so I better stay away from Aussie. Hahahaha.. kidding la… I will go there by myself before you are all ready to come back. Then, I will be able to travel around myself, it will be so cool! JThank you!!

wei wei, I am not actually waiting for someone to appear, I am searching for my soul back… haha… that someone can appear or can just disappear, doesn’t matter much to me though.. I believe what’s most important to be now is grabbing my soul back and get on with what I want to do. Now, it occurs to me that I don’t have the courage to pursue my dream that I have been talking all about. Is not about able and not able, is all about whether I am daring or not daring. Perhaps, not at this stage, I still have to finish my degree to secure myself and earn my pride. That’s the purpose of it, isn’t it. I think this 2 years, I have been trying to be myself, and all about myself that I lost touch with getting to know people or being friends. I believe I was once a good friend to my friends, but now I don’t know how to be a friend anymore. The more I am your friend, the more I am not a friend. I am not a caring friend, not a nice friend, not a easy-going friend anymore. Why is it so? I was too occupied with myself that I threw that part of me away. Dumped it all…. I guess my balancing failed badly. Ah wei posted a superb old school picture on facebook and I got a shock! Who is that girl?!! God, don’t mention anybody else, I don even recognize myself, I lost that smile, lost the freedom of smile, lost the happy go lucky feel…. Whoa! Yea, can’t deny that I change a lot. Tremendously. I don’t hate my change, but I hate it when I am lost again.

I wanna get out get out get out and be alone!

sometimes i feel myself behaving like a wavy graph.....

i know that i have changed much since. i know that, there is a period of time where i love my change. i know that my change is definitely for the good. but now, i am starting to doubt myself. once i was just anybody out on the road, then i found myself, being myself, was happy about myself.  now i think i am stranding out in the world, losing myself, can't get hold of myself. now, i think i am lost. when a person gets lost, they have a choice. either left or right, front of back? but i don't see any directions in front of me now. i am lost in a desert where no directions seems to be the way out. i felt so helpless, depressed and tired. walking all the while in this never ending desert, when will i find my way out?

depressed? i believe i am. i feel like putting a halt to whatever is happening to my life. i don't enjoy working anymore, i don't enjoy hanging out with friends anymore, i don't enjoy anything in life. my brain is not working, not thinking, not operating, not functioning. where is it that out of 10 things i did, 10 things seems all wrong. 

give me my dreams, give me guidance that it is workable. lead me there, and i will show you how serious and focus i can be and will be. why am i walking away from being a true libran? probably i should really take a break, probably this will be the best for me....

it is hard to find someone that really really really understand you or really really really know how you feel and what you are thinking. probably 1 in a billion. friends are good, they could be a good tool to enlighten me about something that i never thought about myself, but never 1 really know how i really feel. probably the problem lies in me? never truthful about my feelings ... never really allow anyone to understand my thoughts... never allow anyone to step in-depth..... probably is just me.............

things will be simpler if i am simple.....

sometimes i wish to get out from singapore badly....

perhaps i am born to be independent, born to be alone, born not to have feelings attached. if there is really a chance to get out from singapore, i will be the first definitely. i know everywhere got its pros and cons, i know no place might be better here. but i don seem to have strong feelings attached here.  or perhaps, you want me to rank anything, probably family will be my last. was this feeling some kind of side effect that is happening to be now? 

bottomline is i really want to get out and get away. away to someone perhaps to grow up myself...

is going to be a short one, because i need a place to vent.

i know i am wasting my time and getting away from my passion and dreams. but there is so much that i want to do but nothing that i can do. i cannot guarantee that i will do well in fashion but i know i will bring it on any challenges that comes with it because that's my passion, that's my interest. i know in working environment, everywhere gonna be the same, same type of people that can't wait to see you fall, same type of people that thinks that you are a bloody nerd, same type of people that think you know nuts... i know everywhere gonna be the same. same kind of working process and channels of marketing but different target audience and market. All this i know it. But i just can't seem to bring interest into what i am doing now. i thought i want to learn the rope of marketing. But once you step into marketing place, there is not much you will know, but is more of you finding it out. 1 year passed, i dare not say i know what marketing truly is about but at least the main basic is that marketing is to listen to what consumers want. this is my interpretation. 

my social circle is so small and tough to expand but i know i have to try to expand. only then i see some opportunities coming in. i touched my heart and asked myself where do i want to be? i replied :" i want to be in fashion!" going to be a tough road but perhaps a happier road? 

nobody understand how delighted i am when i see nice beautiful dresses, clothes, skirts, shorts, shoes, bags and be it the genders and of cos not forgetting babies' wear. i get all excited and hype to look at them, how beautiful they are. nicely designed, the details, the silhouette, the shape, the colors, the whole look of it. 

so what am i suppose to do now?

i have been wondering to ask everyone a question: " what do you want to be?" , "how far are you away from reaching to where you want to be?" and why do you want to be...?" . it could be interesting to find out. 

*how i wish there will be a Luke Brandon that appear before me: :yepps: :)

i believe i would want to post this today while listening to Kenji's hits, because is a now or never thing. ha....

i was flipping through fashion's magazine and dawned upon me that majority of the fashion designers are males. how come this scene? women are the one wearing the clothes, shouldn't we be the best and be the one to fully understand what is nice what is not? what is suitable what is not? what is comfortable what is not? but how come there is this scene of males fashion designers? i am puzzled and keep on thinking and thinking. wonder if anyone have thought of this question before. my only answer to myself will be, women will not be objective enough while designing. they will only design things that are suitable for them, therefore they are always stuck in this small like circle of their and yet to break through. women just want to design clothes that are wearable for them, look nice on them but this theory of theirs may not apply to every single one outside. probably that's why they are always hidden somewhere in the corner waiting to walk out of the circle. 

while i was reading through the magazine, they were featuring New York Fashion Week with all the various runways that was around. i was asking myself, when will i be able to step into on of the runways. there are a couple brand that i want to look at. Chole, Jil Sander, Celine and all dressed up. but it seems like a never reaching dream for me. but at least i have this dream.

probably, i should touch alittle on relationship? my point of view after hearing couple of things around me. it is interesting how fate brings two people together. i remember, once i said that "did it occur to you that you might have met your other half earlier, probably walked passed each other, or at the same place and time but dint know of each other presence." that's why is amazing how 2 people come together and have the patience and love to understand and love each other. then again, can anybody explain love? i know i can't until i met one. no one can clearly explain how things started and how it ended. it just seems like it always happen for a reason. relationship is all about giving and taking, loving and caring. knowing when to give and when to take. perhaps in every stage, mindset will be different. and in every relationship, the percentage of love given out will be different too.....

1.愛太痛 (新歌)詞/曲：吳克群

吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑 哭不敢哭
人不像人 鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這 不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~


吃不能吃 睡不能睡
沒有了你 全都不對
我都學不會 把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠


能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠 不愛了

能不能不愛了 因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了 卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了 愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠 不愛了

吃不能吃 睡不能睡



2.傻瓜 (新歌)
作詞:吳克群 作曲:吳克群 編曲:周恆毅

其實他做的壞事我們都懂　沒有什麼不同
眼光閃爍　曖昧流動　閉上眼當作聽說

其實別人的招數我們都懂　沒有什麼不同
故作軟弱　撒嬌害羞　只是有一點彆扭

傻瓜也許單純的多
愛得沒那麼做作　愛上了我不保留

傻瓜　我們都一樣　被愛情傷了又傷
相信這個他不一樣　卻又再一次受傷

傻瓜　我們都一樣　受了傷卻不投降
相信付出會有代價　代價只是一句傻瓜




3.不屑紀念
作詞：吳克群 作曲：吳克群

十月十八我生日這一天 蠟燭熄滅後浮現你的臉
你說祝我生日快樂 但還有話掛在嘴邊

你說你身邊多了一個他 之後傷人的話你不想講
你說你會懷念或紀念 謝謝妳 我該說聲感謝

我不屑 紀念 這一天 我們分別
我不屑 懷念 你的嘴 喊著抱歉
我後來發現 你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺 一點殘缺

十月十八我生日這一天 蠟燭熄滅後浮現你的臉
你說祝我生日快樂 但還有話你掛在嘴邊

你說你身邊多了一個他 之後傷人的話你不想講
你說你會懷念或紀念 謝謝妳 我該說聲感謝

我不屑 紀念 這一天 我們分別
我不屑 懷念 你的臉 欲止又言

我後來發現 你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺

我不屑 紀念 這一天 我們分別
我不屑 懷念 你的嘴 喊著抱歉
我後來發現 你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺 一點殘缺

我不屑 紀念 這一天 我們分別
我不屑 懷念 你的臉 欲止又言
我後來發現 你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺

我不屑 紀念 這一天 我們分別
我不屑 懷念 你的嘴 喊著抱歉
我後來發現 你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺

忘了說 抱歉的是我才對



4.越愛越難過
作詞：吳克群 作曲：吳克群

說 說你為什麼 為什麼要走 說你為何要分手
別拖 求你別軟弱 求你說出口 分手的理由

但你卻 拖 拖 拖 拖到什麼時候
如果要走卻又為何停留
請你別 拖 拖 拖 大聲的說出口
請你要痛就痛給我個快活

如果說你要走 我不會留 我不去管以後
然後我們說清楚 一句話就夠
如果說你要走 我不會留 我不去管以後
多麼痛 多麼的難過
別越愛越難過

Do Do Re Re Mi Mi Re Do Do Do Re Mi Do

說 說你為什麼 為什麼要走 說你為何要分手
別拖 求你別軟弱 求你說出口 分手的理由

但你還 拖 拖 拖 拖到什麼時候
如果要走卻又為何停留

請你別 拖 拖 拖 大聲的說出口
請你要痛就痛給我個快活

如果說你要走 我不會留 我不去管以後
然後我們說清楚 一句話就夠
如果說你要走 我不會留 我不去管以後
多麼痛 多麼的難過
別越愛越難過

然後連話都不說 繼續沉默
連朋友都沒的作 為了什麼
然後跟別人說你其實還是愛我
就算了吧 壞人我來作

如果說你要走 我不會留 我不去管以後
然後我們說清楚 一句話就夠
如果說你要走 我不會留 我不去管以後
多麼的痛 多麼的難過
別越愛越難過

Do Do Re Re Mi Mi Re Do Do Do Re Mi Do


isn't he just too talented!! same as me, a libra. like him!!

i believe i lost it.... 

i lost the drive to work, lost the motivation to improve myself. Now, it seems like i am nobody anymore. how come, this kind of feelings comes and goes? interesting. some months back, i was still driven to work hard but it seems like all has died. it could be the bad global gloomy news affecting or it may be otherwise. a news article, reported that many in their late 20s and early 40s seek consultation as they are suffering from depression from the global recession economy. imagine falling from the top to nothing, that is quite a tough hurdle to overcome. be it mentally or physically. you have to keep telling yourself that you are capable and have the ability to work, however, global economy is the killer, leaving many jobless. this are very sad cases that humans are suffering from depression and out of job. overcoming and wining the battle should be the mission statement all of us should look forward to. if everyone was to turn in despair, what will the world becomes? Nothing! Zero! 

recently, i have started writing my diary that  neglected for a good whole year. it isnt a daily entry kinda of stuffs, but to keep me reminded of things. suddenly, i felt as if i lost all my feelings. feelings to love ( friends & family ), feeling to be touched, feeling that ... just simple lost all my feelings. perhaps, i have got the "there are no friends in this world" syndrome. i think there is a high possibility.  i tend not to treasure friends that much and can do or do without them. Oh God! but perhaps, i am learning to depend on myself and not others? because in this world, there is no one else you could trust but only you yourself. 

And again, this time of the year, i am saying it again, i want to leave. i want to venture. i want to look out. i want to do things i like. i want to have my favorite things surrounding me. i want... i want... alright, whatever. 

Recently, i am so into listening to Kenji Wu's Song. i shall post an entry with all his songs lyrics. talented man! cool boy!

i question myself again.

coming to an end to another month, how times flies. starting from 2009, i started questioning myself. the question why am i doing this? why am i here? why am i not a happy person? why did it makes me feel so stupid? why why and endless why!! today i said :"why is my determination not strong to just do what i like, instead to end up yet in another shitty job?" probably this is fate. probably i have to go a harder way in doing many things in life. 

i never felt lucky before, because i didn't dare to.

i never felt happy before, because my sadness overcome my happiness.

i never felt fortunate before, because all misfortunate happens to me.

i never felt satisfied before, because i am doing all the craps.

i never felt life was meaningful, because i didn't meet anyone.

i only felt lucky, fortunate and meaningful after i had myself a wise dictionary. things will be different if i hadn't choose this path, things will not be so tough if i choose an easier way out. i am just challenging myself to see how far i can go but to realize i am still a libra. A libra that yearns for peaceful and harmony life, that hates betrayal, back-stabbing and arguments. maybe i am just not cut out to do something big which i always think i am capable of. maybe i set too high expectations on myself. maybe i am just suitable for farmer's life. sounds very disheartening isn't it? i am not that weak, but the people around me make me nauseous, disgusted and irritated. i just have a very simple wish, is to work harmonious, how come it seems so tough in every organization. ya, maybe being a teacher will be the easiest way out for me. 

there are just too many unpleasant incidents in my life that makes me sick! 

and i shall end with this statement after the horrid incident that my fren encountered : " Men are horrible & heartless creatures "  --- defensive barrier against them.... what is love?* not edible food??!!* hahaha... 

actually i do have alot of things running in my head, but i always forget them.

wow! happy 2009! every year the same old thing, what can be newer than this? my new year resolution is to " Be Myself ". Frankly speaking, i am not a good person, not kind, nothing at all. where's all the meaningful things in my life gone to? i have so many things i want to achieve but neither way could help me in fulfilling it. please do not think that i have sank down again, it's just that my surroundings is not pleasing me. i am not happy with whatever i have done. i felt that i have not accomplished anything in life, nothing that made me proud of myself. i am not a lovable child, not a good friend, not a hardworking employee and definitely not a nice person.

This few weeks, i am experiencing that i am losing myself. Where's my identity? Suddenly, i felt lost again. This is not a good head start in the new year. i am starting to treat people coldly, giving attitude and being mean and sarcastic. Is this the real me? i am not trying to brag about myself here, but i always have this impression of me as being a very nice person, trying every single ways to please people, being easy-going, just a good impression of myself. But recently, i felt that i don't portray myself like that anymore. i am not a nice person, never try to please people, not easy-going and please stay away from me and a bad girl. WHY? okay, i think i am yanking non stop. 

Some stuffs are just meant to be. i cannot keep on going like this, i have to buck up my life and find my ultimate goal in life. Buck Up gwenny!

wow, i am happy to actually know that i got 2 loyal fans.. thank you. 

everyone is the same but different in another way. everyone thinks the same just the way of executing it is different. how devastating to know that everyone is actually the same. so my new year resolution is TO BE MYSELF. being oneself, is easier to say but harder to be. one always tend to act in a way to please someone or hurt someone. though, they might know in their heart, that is a wrong move, but actions is always faster than thoughts. 

another year is coming to an end, again i realized that i did not gain much this year but i am delighted to know that Me! I have definitely put that past behind me, whatever happened in 2007, 2008 has been dumped into, maybe a folder call "unwanted memories". isn't is a wiser way for me to store more memories. ha! 

"feels that nobody is as true as you".... seriously, talking about being true, is definitely tough/difficult/maybe one in a million to find someone like that. everybody definitely still have some little secrets they keep to themselves. nobody can be that true. it cant be sure that people will understand someone in such a short time. it seems to be that i don know who is true or who isn't. is my intuition accurate? or is it failing me? 

half a year passed, i thought it might be a good well but to realize i never get out from the bad well. when is my turn gonna come? when is my turn to get into a good well? i always believe doing more things, though is hard work but in some ways will benefit me in another. but sometime, too much of it can bloody kill me. seriously, no one is trustable and never judge a person by its LOOK! depend on nobody but MYSELF.

i just lost what i wanted to write 5 seconds ago. 

Let's talk about more social and political stuffs. Global Market is not doing well and is affecting worldwide economic. what worse, it is affecting everyone. " If everyone goes into a power safe mode, recession will be worse" [quoted from Channelnewsasia] true enough, if everyone saves and nobody spend, the economic will not generate revenues and sales. Then wouldn't it be worse for the economic. it is good to save but do not totally just stop spending and i for-see, this Christmas will be the worse christmas that i am going to enjoy. I wrote before in my post, Christmas is a season that i love the most! the happiness and joyous atmosphere is so heartwarming and always touching my heart. I hate to see a gloomy and sad Christmas furthermore, i am not traveling that period. I thought i make a pact with myself to always spend christmas and new year away. but economic is doing so bad that i am not able to find any good soul. 

Traveling, is tough to find a good traveling partner that shares the same thoughts, tell u nothing but the truth and bring fun and happiness. i love traveling, 1 year ago i could say loudly that i can travel alone but ever since i think traveling should have a companion that you could share all the funny incidents that happen on the spot. 

a incident that was uncalled for, pisses me off............ telling to explain but you lost you.... but i believe people change to adapt to the environment, thats why i love changing!

Christmas is really nearing, i hope to have a merry merry joyous christmas.....

Please....Please....

It has been some time since I pen down my thoughts and emotions.

Since my last entry, time just flies so quickly that even a camera can’t capture all my memories. The decision that make me write is partly because of my dear friend , ah wei who said she enjoy reading my entries. So, for her, I decided maybe it’s time to start writing again.
She mentioned that it might be things happened. But, frankly speaking, nothing happened, even if it happened, it was past tense. It was my pure emotions and thoughts. I thought I was a well known pessimistic? HA!

There are always ups and down in life. Although, I have yet to be at my ups, I am always been found at the bottom of my life. October supposed to be a happy month for me, but why must my misfortune shot me right at this month. Is it that I do not deserve to be happy? I tried so hard to look at the bright side; perhaps the bright side was too glaring for me.

Suddenly, I am lost again. I thought I found my direction, I thought I had it all straightened out. I thought, bloody fuck off the thoughts. Maybe I think too highly of myself? Maybe I think I am able to be there? Maybe, bloody fuck off the maybes. Sat my ass straight and get my thoughts out.

People are always lost in their life, just like drivers lost their way. They have the Map or GPS to guide them, so for human, we have to find our “Map” or “GPS” in order to be right on track. But sometimes, they might lead you to the wrong way, they can’t always be right. Maybe you should depend a little on your intuition? Nothing will drop from heaven.

Having being another year older, I have come to terms with a lot of things. Human just have to be open-minded to lead a more carefree life. Sometime, although we know that accepting and facing the reality is tough, just have to overcome the barrier and you will come to realize that actually you can make everything right. Not many people will have a wise dictionary that comes across in their life. If you do, please cherish it and learn as much things. Wise dictionary will never be there forever. There will always be moments of departure.

Surprisingly, being a year older, I didn’t make any wish. Will they come true? If they do, just give me a place with nobody, by the beach, stock up the cupboard with inspiration books and nice soothing music. Once in awhile, some hot hunk. Whahahaha…. I think, I just need a break, a getaway to somewhere to breathe some new air and everything should be fine. 

I realize people really tend not to treasure what’s in front of them, and start crying when everything is gone. Wake up people, take more notice of the surrounding, you might be surrounded by love. And i know i am surrounded by my loved fren. 

Oh god, why is my post so heartwarming today. *wide smile*

Okay, stop here.
P.S * New found buddy, please remember that I am pretty and cute but we could never figure out the reason why? *wink