gwenny's fad

2011-02-25T15:23:00.000+08:00

It has been 4 months that i stopped writing.

A year has ended, and i don't have the guts to say that i have accomplished a lot in 2010. Rather, it could be ranked under one of the worst years. Although, i did gained a fair bit of stuffs on my own, but i know it is still not enough. I am still leading a mono life aimlessly.

In 2011, my priority is to complete my studies which is the main boiling point of my burden and weight i have on my shoulders. So, what will be next after my studies? I do have certain plans what i will want to do. That is one of my goal in life for year 2011. I want to return afresh and feeling good. I believe that, that is an offer i need to take and path that i have to walk.

I believe i will be happier when i return, i believe everything will be better when i return, i believe i will achieve more when i return. I don't deny that true fact about the characteristic about Libra! They have the love of freedom, love of wandering around, love to be lazy, just want to have fun and joy in life. I can't deny i fit perfectly into all this characteristic. For once, although i am alone in my life, i never feel lonely a single moment. Have i already reached the limit of being alone that i no longer want anyone to step into my life. So used to the life i have always enjoyed, spending all my money on myself and friends that i love. This is quite a blessing for me. I have learnt to do so many things alone after mentor's departure. But, it seems like she disappear in the world, i am not able to find out how she is doing. but, i believe someday we will meet and maybe she will be glad to find out that i am no longer who i was. and maybe the place will be somewhere we are unfamiliar with. That's my instinct. I trust it a lot.

They are so many friends and acquaintances in life, but sadly, there are none you can trust. If i don't really understand myself, know what i want and know who i am, how would someone knows everything about me? that somehow puzzled me. Certain characteristic can be easily picked out during one's observation but unable to totally comprehend. Eg of an incident, my friends thought i was tough and strong as what my outer appearance shows, but in actual fact they found out that i was actually the most timid and weak after we finished watching a horror movie. They were shocked and totally cannot believe the inner side of me. This made me realize that all the tough act, strong front was all did by me in order to protect myself. I had to do that so that i will not be hurt by anyone that thinks i am naive and innocent. This also goes to show that i have been protecting myself really well and good. No doubt, i carry the shadow of my mentor. No one was able to understand what she is actually thinking or what is her most inner side, because she has covered herself really well and good that i never once think that she had an emotional or sad side. So, now i understand what i have always been doing. And suddenly it dawned upon me the partial reason of my change.

Recently, i choose to keep mmm about a couple of my stuffs. I am somehow proud of myself to be able to do a lot of things on my own. I always have a belief that things will eventually work out in some ways or other, that is if you tried your best. I shouldn't be eager to give back what i was being taught because i wasn't ready to. I always want to give the best advice to others because i fear for them to have regrets in their life like i did with mine. I had numerous of grudges why there wasn't someone in my life to guide me when things became difficult along my path, but eventually someone still comes by, is just a matter of time. Therefore, it will also be a matter of time for me to choose that person to payback.

I was happy to write this post, because while writing i found things that never come across my mind and set as a reminder for me as well........

*just finished "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho - too many scattered thoughts in mind.........

quote for the day -- "some people were born to face life alone and this is neither good nor bad, this is simply life"

staring in the sky.......

2010-10-04T23:51:00.001+08:00

my mind never stop for a second, every minute, every second, my mind is working. It seems that i will always have something to think about, be it my dream, be it day-dreaming or any other things. I always have something in mind, but is gone in the other minute. Just like i always feel that i have alot to write and some to share, but when it comes to really writing it down, the "feel" isn't there.

i can't differentiate whether i am independent or trying to act independent. Recently, i have never stopped thinking of living by myself, i am starting to yearn for a live i call my own. You can say i am selfish, but i think i was too independent. Never like to rely on anyone and maybe that's the reason i don't want/need friends. Because i will never want to experience disappointment again and again. So, i'll always remind myself :"that i don't need anyone, cos i can only trust myself and i can only depend on my own". I've gone weary trusting many but to be disappointed at the end of the day. I think i am trained to be too independent. For sometime, i have imagine life on my own in another country, imagine myself dealing with all the difficulties and the challenges in another country. I want a life i called my own. Life is full of contradictions, one hand you want a life of your own but on another hand, you have commitments that are call "family" that hold you back. I know it's not going to be easy and it is going to be tougher then i thought. But, if that is how i want my life to be, then i should go and give it a try. I have been reminded that life is too short for regrets, and there is only this life to live your life. So, i really can't wait for the day to come. Scold me selfish or irresponsible, anything you can think of. But, i do not want to lead an unhappy life.

this song was introduced to me by my cousin, she said when she heard it, she thinks that the lyrics are about me...

风雨停歇之后远方会挂上彩虹

眼泪晒干以后嘴角会扬起笑容

我已渐渐习惯一个人的那种自由

只是偶尔想起还有一点点难过

现在的你在什么地方

过着什么样的生活

是否还有一样的任性执着

还会犯同样的错

我们拥抱不同的天空

却有相似的寂寞

每当夜深人静脆弱的时候

你会不会想到我

也许天亮以后各自有新的生活

我会偷偷的记得你曾经那样懂我

虽然只是朋友了却是回忆里最深刻

the moment i heard this song, i had a lot of mixed feelings, how can there be another person that truly knows what i am thinking or what i have been through. My top like song in my ipod now! love! love!

There are really a lot of things that i do not know how to explain, how to express, but i will turn them into sentences which i will understand.

i really can't wait for December to come so i can get away from here and go to a favourite place i wish to call my second home....

tears that came so easily....

2010-09-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

i am starting to realize something... where is she? i want her to teach me to depend on myself totally, only with this skill set, i am able to just leave everything behind here and go to where i want to be. Is it really that i lost how to be a friend or am i too lazy to have a friend or i am not a good friend at all? Many a times, i tried to put away any negative thoughts, feelings that i had and think that everything will be the same. But, it never was... what was there has always been. I was not able to just remove it on my part. The only thing that i am proud of myself is that i can be on my own, although sometimes is really rather lonely, but then i guess it doesn't really make any difference.

我真得已經很習慣我一個人得自由了。i really enjoy the freedom i have without having to worry about anybody's feelings but just all about myself. Maybe this can be seemed like a self-centered person. But, i guess i am tired all the time trying to guess or even concern and care about other's feelings. So, i am both a self-centered and a selfish person.

如果，我忘了我得夢想也忘了我得終點站，什麼辦？！i guess i lost myself sometime back. There are too many things going through my mind. Which path is better, easier and faster? should i turn right, left or straight? Although, whatever i have thought about in my life has never worked the way it should be, but but .... suddenly, i have stopped learning........ i should get it back......

I really want to get away, can i be granted this simple wish. And i know what to wish for this birthday.. and what should i do this birthday? seems that it bears no meaning......... is just another day....

tears are precious because it touched right into your heart, tears are sincere because it was moment of happiness, tears are never only for saddness and anger but for the happy things that happened in the world.....

2010-08-24T00:25:00.000+08:00

i was trying to think hard to recall, as i had something that i want to talk about a couple of days ago....

people tend to say:"oh yeah, i have thought clearly about it, this is what i want, this is where i want to be" but in actual check, that was clearly a wrong statement made. If they really know what they want and where they want to be, there won't be guilt or remorse found in their emotion's dictionary. Many a times, it was just the assurance of a correct decision made, an answer to the question, a self-consoling statement to keep remaining themselves that, they wanted it so badly, they wanted to be where they are now so badly. In extended context, it just means that, humans are greedy, they want more than they get, demanding more and more in life. On the other hand, how could someone settle for present when they know they can get more, it just seems like a motivation in life. But, still a reminder that do not be greedy in life, some dreams may be too far-fetched for yourself.

Finally, i have watched inception, a movie that truly captivated me, a movie that left me dumbfounded after the end, a movie that brought me sadness and overwhelmed me with numerous of questions in my mind. I know there were more things that i can catch from the movie than just dreams within dreams, i know that there were some hidden things i could have learned from the movie, i know it was just not enough. There were too much details and events to keep up with the show, that i was engrossed in the storyline but forgot about what's left beyond just the storytelling. Honestly, if i am able to create dreams within a dream, who will i put in my dreams? how will i build my dreams to be? and how i want my dreams to be? I already have the people in my list, the way i want my world to be, the buildings and surroundings that i yearn for.

Was the inception effect too overpowering that i have been having many dreams that i felt so real this couple of weeks, that turned my tiring body even more tiring. There are many things in life we have to learn, we have to take in stride, i am looking for the day when i found passion in whatever i am doing......

a lesson with myself [01]

2010-08-05T00:37:00.004+08:00

the very thing i still remembered the first time i know her. the very thing that puzzled me for a long time as i didn't agree to what she said.

the very thing that i totally agreed upon seeing more the years after....that very thing aid the deep impression of her on me. Maybe many will think of me as a pathetic and sad soul just as i thought she was. But, indeed i believe that very thing was true. Maybe, many a times, you choose to be surrounded by insincere talks, fake praises, evil laughter, cunning expression because you know you needed them. You needed their voice to make you feel that you are not alone, you needed their company to make you feel that you have friends, you just needed them. But, isn't this worse than being a pathetic sad soul? Whatever was told to you was a lie, whatever praises you heard was never true, whatever good things you know will become a broken promise. So i believe that, it was useless wasting time dealing with matters like this.

I fought hard for it, but it didn't happen, it took me lightly allowing me to realize that it does not exist. So, now i am gona pretend that i am invisible. call on me when you like, but i will only respond as i like.

I always give people a chance to show their true self but eventually all failed the test. I started to ask myself, if i was doing that too. But, my answer was i was always who i am. Things have changed, but i did not put up a fake front with people whom i call them friends. They knew who i was all along, but some decided to change their thoughts on me, leading me to change my judgment on them.

Things that happened, stories i read, shows i watched reminded me of my forgotten lessons in life. I should never be the "OK LADY" all long. I should play my game and call the shots.

Okay, a lesson in life with myself ends today! :)

memories that i now deemed as good memories

2010-07-24T01:34:00.001+08:00

Again, memories could be deleted for a period of time, but places can activate the memories from the trash bin again.

I realized for 3 years, i have stopped going to Bras Basah graphic books store. I went there yesterday in hope to grab some lomo films at cheap price. Little did i know, it activated plenty of my memories. At that instance, there wasn't any anger but a wish that the friend really excel in his passion and be someone successful that will deemed his decision right.

Beside, sincerely hoping he will succeed and be famous, i realized i am filled with envious of him. Being able to go along with his passion, passing all the challenges to make the way there. Being able to read books you are in love with, be in a book store filled by your loves, how amazing and awesome is that.

I could only remembered the friend who is the only supportive one when i said i want to pursue FASHION, i remembered the friend who is the only encouraging one when we both had the same passion once too. And this friend make his words true to make it to study what the friend loves, but i wasn't even doing anything about it. I felt ashamed, but then again it was never too late to realise anything, isn't it?

Because of all the memories that i brought back, i dreamt of this friend. What a joke...

Rach said i was more optimistic comparing to years ago and months ago, however, i felt that i didn't change much still. And, all my guessings were all correct. Is funny when you reach a certain age, and friends and relatives start asking you, when are you getting hitched and related questions like that. But, if you are happy with what you have now, what you are doing now, and knowing how to make yourself happy and knowing what are your future plans, i figured there are nothing much to worry about. Although, there is a saying "Loneliness kills" but if you can turn the loneliness into some constructive, meaningful and happy, then everything is solved. Is just a traditional thinking to get married and settled down, isn't that so? Only settled down if that person is seriously, million times confirmed that he is the right one. As, it will defeated the purposes if you guys go your separate ways down the road.

Somehow, suddenly i feel that although we still shared the same values in life, but there are some thoughts in life, we were different. In her point of view, her stand makes sense however in my point of view, my stand is different.

I wanted to know what changes i had for rach to say i was more optimistic, because it will be a great compliment to me, as i figured my way out. I walked myself out of the dark path to see sunlight. i always thought she was the sunshine, the only one that is able to lead me out of the dark path, but i believe this time maybe i walked it out myself. And that will be satisfying to know and understand.

2010-07-16T13:00:00.000+08:00

aha! when i read lesser, i have lesser thoughts, when i sort my thoughts out, i have lesser thoughts, when everything can be explained, the reason for my numerous posts during June.

Recently, i am in love with tumblr.com. people who shared are simply awesome and i am exposed to more of the outside world. With this feeling, i really want to have a chance to roam around the world. As, you never know when is your last!

a tumblr i spotted. "The biggest regret ever", people from around the world are free to submit their biggest regret and they will help to post. A channel for sharing and learning. A place where it helps to wake people up, to tell the fortunate how fortunate they are and to tell the less fortunate that there are worse out there. So, i wanted to submit the biggest regret ever that happened in my mind, but my mind was blank. How do you define "biggest regret"? I have plenty of regrets in life, but i did not submit any because those are not the biggest regrets in my life yet. Because, somehow i feel that those mistakes or regrets made eventually make me learned something in life.

regrets:

studying multimedia tech in poly

learned:

set of creative skills and brain

regrets:

accepting my uncle's offer to my first "unrelated" job

gained:

myself with the guidance of wise dictionary

regrets:

studying alternative - "marketing & advertising:

reasons:

no money left me with no choice

regrets:

letting the same person into my life 2 times

learned:

to protect myself

gained:

i found myself

achievement:

letting the person into my life 2 times go

learned:

promises don't exists, lies are everywhere. friends are your biggest enemy!

Therefore, eventually i did not post regrets that has happened in my life. The only regret i have is " that i do not have the courage to ask her why she stopped teaching me and meeting up?" Because, she was the light in my path, but it blackout out of a sudden, with me trying to figure my way up without knowing what to expect in-front.

Then i saw another post that i want to show it to someone else. "Pretend i am invisible"

Pretending your invisible.
Friend: “Hey, how are you?”
You: “Who are you talking to?”
Friend: “To you.”
You: “How do you know I am here?”
Friend: “What?”
You: “Please don’t pretend you don’t know I am invisible.”
Friend: “…”
You: “It’s always the same with you, always messing with me.”
Friend: “But…”
You: “No but, I am leaving. I hope you are happy now.”

I find this rather amusing and is something that has been returning into my life. However, i have decided to put an end to things and hope for the better. Claiming to be the person that really understands me seems like a joke to me now. If that was so, there were so many comments about you which you shouldn't have said. Because, it seems like an act to bring me down.There are so many things that i want to do but feel that time is not enough and i do not have the ability to do so. I am scared that i won't live to see tomorrow as things happen unexpectedly. You can just be walking on the road when a faulty vehicle stormed at your direction, banged into you, and for you, that's the end of YOUR LIFE! A forgotten feeling for a person that i deemed to be 3/4 perfect!

2010-07-06T23:42:00.000+08:00

I watched Nick's and Norah's Infinite Playlist movie and dawned upon me that, i have always been the one trying to find the similarities in other people as that of mine so that i can fit into their life, for 3 years i have said that "i have changed" but to realise i did not even change a single bit. I am still pleasing people in my life, because i want them to be my friends i tried to like what they like, because i like someone, i try to share the common interest to have a common topic, i am still who i am 3 years ago. It feels like a huge stone dropped down on my head, it feels like the answer of her departure and finally the answer why i have always been trying to find "her" in everyone.

She is the one that i need not find any similarities in me to fit into hers because we shared alot of same habits, likings and fashion, she is the one who can be both my friend and a mentor. No wonder, i have been trying to find someone like her because there isn't anyone else like her in my circle of friends. For all my friends, i have to try to be interested in something else so that we won't be bored by silence.

However, gradually i see a friend that we shared fairly common likings, fashions and insights........Having watching the movie, i gathered more of what i needed to do and stop trying to show interest in what other people like but instead show more interest in what i like and enjoy doing. As, i have discussed with myself before that, there are alot of category of friends around, however sadly to find out that none falls under the category that i wished to keep forever.......

i believe that was not "fond"

2010-06-28T17:39:00.000+08:00

in everyday's life, people are constantly searching for something, be it success in work, happiness in family, affection in relationships and many more. The searching process might be rewarding or can be disheartening, however all will become an experience in life to be remembered.

I hope this will be my last post for this month and of this whole "fondness". I think i cooked up my own feelings, thoughts and beliefs. Pondering the reason why the liking, when there is nothing that matches my profile. Recently, there was a thought in my mind, if it was to find a replacement of "her" in others which might helps to explain the whole situation. Luckily, there are 2 more months i gave myself to forget.....I will try means and ways to do so. And that's life, finding reasons to give up, finding reasons to preserve. However, the ultimate goal is to find the real reason for survival that gives you a reason to move on in life and to be seen alive in this world.

"My intuition never fails me" went up to be my msn nick. As, i feel that my intuition is very reliable that i can trust it without having doubts. Because, it never fails me through my years of life. 3 years ago, it gave me a sign asking me to stop acting like a fool, i heed its advice and i found myself back. This time, my intuition tells me a lot more things than just me, myself. It continues to show me the nature of human and i follow my gut feeling and intuition. Women's sixth sense is a very strong attributes that are in-born in us. Therefore, no one can deceive us with lies and promises.

A date we all remembered but pretend to forget.... 12 years of friendship was enough to etch that memorable date in our mind, however due to reasons, we are all trying very hard to forget. Finally, they feel it when for all that has been done, it was never appreciated. emails and words are fake, cos there wasn't any sincerity felt. I hope for the years i am alive and still in Singapore or even other countries, i will never want to bump into him on the road. A forgotten friend.....Actually, i do not have descriptions to describe him anymore, i am neither angry nor hard feelings. I just feel that he is no longer a friend anymore.... i know his character a little better enough to know that he doesn't need any friends. My other friends are just being mean on words but if he really comes back, they will be the first to rush and meet him.

A year has passed since the Legend - Micheal Jackson passed away. Time just pass so fast! Everything just seems like in a fast forward mode the past 1 year. Things might have been forgotten but legend can't be erase and forgot just like some other memories are able to do so.

I know i jump a little random here and there, but i want to just jolt things down as and when i remembered. Recently, i am starting to miss my long hair which i had last year. So, i also gathered that and reckon Paulo's quote :"People are never satisfied. If they have little, they want more. If they have more, they want still more. Once they have more, they could be happy with little, but are incapable of making the slightest effort in that direction." Just like me, when i had short hair, i yearn for long hair, when i had long hair, i want my short hair back. Could never settle for either one.

And can someone tell me why FACEBOOK is so addictive?!! i don wished to be seen everyday on Facebook but i cannot stop myself from logging in as and when! irritating!

2010-06-20T23:11:00.001+08:00

I just finished a book "The Valkyries" - Paulo. Althought, he mentioned a lot about magic and god in this story but viewing in another view, i am able to understand certain stuffs he wants to communicate through his story.

In the story they talk about mentor and disciple, and every instant it reminded me of her. The things she used to taught me, there wasn't a need for us to meet very regularly, but it will always be an enriching lesson after every meeting for me. I gained a lot and she gives a lot. I have to say she is really good, because she understand the meaning of the story deeper than i do and is able to pass down her experience just like what was narrated in the books. She showed me the light, i followed her light and led my own path.

There are fears that i don't wish to overcome and don't want to touch. I believe my first challenge will be to overcome the fear then i will be at another level again. But certain confession have to think through properly.

I remembered rach said i was too comfortable in what i am doing therefore i do not wish to change anything. So, i mentioned about Starbucks job, that is not something i am comfortable with, i really wished i do not have to work over the weekends and sleep in and rest and sometimes do things i love. But, i can't because i have to pay for my own school fees. And i did mentioned that, if i don't work on weekends, what can i do? So she aggressively retorted that :"SEE! This is too comfortable with what you are doing" At that point of time, i didn't think much, but having such a tiring this weekend at a hectic store. The words she said flashed back and how could she said i was too comfortable when she knew from the start when i need the job, why i have not been able to leave the job and have always been trying to look for alternative for an easier job. Not that i didn't try. Having think back now, i am both angry and surprised why the aggressiveness from her that day.......

I went Page One on friday browsing the sections where i want to be. I got some books and thought this is the time when i want to start planning for my future. Starting from the creative and arts section, they are the reason why i went Page One instead of normal bookstore. I saw several advertising related books, picked them up and flipped them through. Is this what i want to do? Then i went to the fashion section when i spent time browsing through most of the books and chose the one that will be useful to me. Creative and arts is a very vague term and very hard to judge. Then i passed by the architecture section, i was never interested in how a building is build, never interested in the creativity of a building. But, 3 years ago, i tried to be interested to share the common topic, i tried to be fascinated by how creative a architect can design a building to be, i tried to admire some great works. But all of those were fakes, i have to TRY to like architecture. Although, it wasn't a very tiring chore as architecture is art-related but i hate myself for doing all this. I am disgusted with myself. I was so not myself back then. I have to try everything just to please. And that is when i lost myself....

Finally, i am very happy that Paulo's books were easily spotted in Page One with the littlest effort that i put in, i found his series of book. I spotted one book by Paulo - "Life". Inside were compilation of all his inspirational quotes of life and love from all this books. As, it wasn't sealed with plastic, i picked the book and sat down to read. First time, i am doing this in a bookstore. I basically finished the whole book of his inspirational quotes and saw a lot, a lot of meaningful ones that i really want to share. But, is really too many. I spotted this quote "No man is an island". She told me this before, so i believe she had already read a couple of Paulo Books before she recommended them to me. And there was where i concluded that, she chose me and not that i was lucky. she guided me through because she knows i was too clean with all the good thoughts. She chose me because i wasn't myself. So, she decided to show me the path. Now, she left without giving me any tasks. It also concluded that is either she feels that she has no more thing to give or she feels that it was not working on me. But, i think only now then i start to realise and see the whole picture.

I didn't know reading in a bookstore is so peaceful. That's why i want a bookstore that opens 24 hours.... I should have a date with myself on fridays, perhaps once a fortnight or once a month.....

I met a regular customer that i didn't see him for like 1 years plus. I can see the shock on his face when he saw me as i have changed quite a bit this few years. So, we chatted as he mentioned that he stopped going Starbucks as our coffee was inconsistent and chose one of our competitors as theirs' was very consistent. I told him i totally agree with him, as different countries Starbucks taste different. Don't even need to mentioned different countries, different locations in Singapore, the Starbucks coffee is already not consistent. That's show 2 things, 1 positive and 1 negative. Positive - How branding can be so powerful to turn a coffee chain into a brand that everyone just want to be seen with. Therefore now, Starbucks is a brand more than a truly genuine coffee place. Negative - How sad that Starbucks changed their operational mission to be so commercialized and business minded that consumer insights means nothing to them anymore.

From this chat with this customer, i realised that i am very interested in gathering consumer insights and their behavior before deciding a purchase. As, who are the real target audiences for the particular organizations. As, who they thought is might not be. Starbucks is trying to target everyone without having a main target. Eventually, when you follows all, you will end up following none......Maybe this is a part in advertising i can be involved that i will still end up in Advertising industry....

2010-06-17T22:57:00.000+08:00

few days ago, we were talking about decisions-making and it will be tough when both decisions are too good to reject. Therefore, i mentioned before that this is not tough decision making but is tough to forgo which decisions. So, i think i wasn't in the right mind and told him :"talk to yourself, maybe you will find the answer". maybe he thinks i am crazy. haha.

The mention of this incident keep recurring in my mind because i think maybe i said something wrong.. As, who in the right mind will talk to themselves?! Then, as i was in the middle of Paulo's book, it struck me that, i have been talking to myself unknowingly. There are times when i had to make decisions, so i will start asking myself a lot of questions. Which weighs the best then i will chose that, or why i shouldn't make the decision. So, all long i was talking to myself to assure myself that the decision i made is correct, to assure myself that i am right, to assure myself that i know myself. Maybe, i don't need her to assure me, but i need her to bring me to another level. Because i feel that i am stuck at this level and finds it difficult to climb up by myself. Or am i too dependent?

rach mentioned that i was lazy because i failed to think in a lot of perspectives. I do not know how i gave her the impression that i did not think in many perspectives. But, in fact i did think in a lot of perspectives probably i just keep everything to myself. She aggressively said i was lazy, then at that point i thought i should feel angry at her for making such a harsh comment but then i just feel that to a certain extend, she doesn't truly know me well enough like she does. what rach knows might be only 50% of me. but then again, why do she has to know me 100% well enough. Everyone has their own secrets that they keep it to themselves, not even sharing with their closet friends or loves one.

One more meeting, i think one more meeting with her, i will be able to find the answer..... awaiting the chance in august.....

2010-06-15T22:29:00.000+08:00

only a few days has passed and i am here again! amazing month for me to have so many to write about. Maybe because i have been reading more things, therefore more thoughts, maybe i have been observing more, therefore more thoughts, maybe i have been thinking more, therefore more thoughts. and the maybe can just go on.....

there are certain things that i don't agree. if only she was around..... i have so many to talk to her about. I hope august comes soon, then at least i might have a reason but then i know the answer....

I read an article recently, the topic was "Single Ladies". With all the nagging and grumbling that i have been complaining about single, the ladies in the article suffered worst fate than me. Seriously, nothing is perfect in the world. and i mention before, you must have that imperfection to shine the perfection in you. How can anyone or anything be just perfect? Normally, is just the surface that we saw, what really goes on behind we don't know.

Lady A, is a career woman from a rich family, however never meet the right guy that she could settle down. Therefore, she turned to food. And since then, she put on 30kg which somehow makes things worst. Lady B from an adopted family, suffered from breast cancer but with her optimistic views in life she managed to overcome the hurdle and fight the disease. And because of her sad life, she had attempted suicide a couple of times and now she is still alone.

So, what makes being single so big deal? So long, you are happy with your life and know how to live happy life alone, then why is being single so big deal? Of cos, there are lonely times, but those are times that will pass and a new day comes again. It won't just freeze there and time just stopped forever. Of cos, sometimes you will still complain about single, but those are just grumbles that you want to voice it out to make yourself feel better. Then again, this will be over and a new cycle in life starts. So what's the real big deal of being single? Nobody should look down on single ladies!

I do have quite a few single ladies around me, they are actually over the marriage age, but what i admired them, is that, they still live life as per normal and won't think that it is a sad thing being single. Of cos, there are lonely times in their life, but i believe they have reached a pact with the lonely times and found a substitute to replace the lonely times. and i said, there is no best friends forever. friends will still say goodbye down the road and new ones will come by, this is a repeated cycle by itself. And, i have already come to terms with this. that was the last of me....

to some point that rach mentioned i am selfish because i want to protect myself, this i totally agree. who don't want to protect yourself? so i thought i made the same mistakes 3 times were good enough for me to really learned a lesson from the incident. So, my lesson learned from the incident was to protect myself. I am not entirely blaming the whole incident but at least i have to learn something out of the 3 same mistakes made over and over again. Is just that, all this time i am more cautions and do not want to be a fool again. I am not trying to find excuses for myself, but when you really think you are not good enough, then is really not good enough. And i do not want to think back hoping i can erase whatever i have done, or when i think back i feel disgusted by myself. i think i am trying to be myself.

I have a list of things to accomplish, yea and i think i should heed his advice to start planning now. So, at least i can start off whatever i want to do after i graduate. I have to list them down so i feel the satisfaction when i start striking them out one by one :)

2010-06-13T15:37:00.001+08:00

perhaps this month is my blogging month and full of emotions and thoughts month.

This is the 3rd time i am blogging for this month and looking at the history the most i have blogged for a month this few years is probably 4. Therefore, i am full of thoughts this June.

i went to dig out a book that i used to carry and pen down all my thoughts and everything. So, i was flipping through each pages of hand written words and found out that i have grown up! Is interesting when you always looks at your past and realize a difference with the present. Taking dressing for example, 2 years ago i thought what i wore everyday was nice, stylish and pretty. But when i looked back at all the photos, i was scolding myself :"am i crazy? how come i wore that?" So, now i might think whatever i wear is fashionable stylish and nice, but maybe 5 years down the road when i look back, i will be scolding myself again :"what was i thinking to wear that and make me look so fat?". I believe this is an endless cycle that will keep on repeating in life. And every cycle is a lesson to be learned.

Remembered that i received a book by Rach - "Be Happy". She knows a lot of my past and understand why i dwell on things so often that made me an unhappy person. However, i believe i learned how to be happy not from the book, but from incidents that happened in life. I let go of something i hold on so tightly 3 years ago. So, since then i learned how to let go slowly. That was the first big step that i took to be a happy person. So gradually, i understand the fact that there is really no point holding on to things that are not meant to be. Some might say, you didn't even trying how you know it was not meant to be. So, i found an answer yesterday while talking with my barista. I asked her why she didn't try, if you don't try you never know. Her answer: "PLAY SAFE". I believe she couldn't face the reality therefore she rather play safe than be adventurous. I will apply her PLAY SAFE mode on certain stuffs but yet be adventurous on things that i know eventually it will not hurt so deeply. Yes, i am selfish but because having been through the worst, you will never want to go through it again.. Sometimes, PLAY SAFE can make you a happier person.

So i am still in the learning process to be happy. Meaning only think of things that make me happy. Everything happens for a reason. Like what Rach has mentioned, why let a past incident hold you on?

However, maybe in some points she sees it in a different way. The past incident didn't held me up in any ways. Just that, it makes me see things in a different way and i learned a big lesson back there that explains the protective shell that i build it for myself. And wise dictionary simply enhance it to a greater level.

I just want to be who i am......

2010-06-11T00:16:00.000+08:00

plenty of thoughts running in my mind recently. but, my wise dictionary has always been around. i am flipping through to find solutions as and when i needed it. a conversation we once shared while taking the train from hongkong to shenzhen.

People Judgement

I told her, i am always very bad at judging people because i always tend to make the wrong judgment. Some just has the talent and experience to judge someone by their body language, speech and actions. So, i ask her how do you judge someone?

Ans: Read more in depth rather than the surface.

Recently, i picked up a book after stop reading for sometime. By Paulo Calheo - The Valkvires. It mentioned something about "looking beyond the horizons". People always tend to see things that are only near to them or within a distance from them. But fail to see things that are beyond them. Therefore, it struck the conversation that i had with wise dictionary. And, sometimes i wonder did she read the book before she guided me along my path? As, there were similar practices that i had done like the lead in the book. Even if it is so, i am glad that i went through the process. In life, there is no shortcut to answer for your problems. you have to keep trying and trying until you master it and that will stick with you forever. Nobody is able to snatch it away.

So, i have learned since then. She guided me through. She won't tell me the definite answer but will ask me to activate my thinking mind. So, that was a practice for me to do. Sometimes it gets really tiring and you just want to stop thinking and wanting the answers to your questions. But that is also the part where you push yourself to another level when you never stop trying. I thought i forgot about that, but however it was already deeply etched in me that i was practicing all along. Therefore, i always ask myself a lot of questions before reaching to a conclusion. Body language tells a lot and i am seeing it now. And just as i were recalling all this incident, my cousin popped me questions about her job. So, i remembered how "Green" i was 3 years ago. There were this incident, we were doing our X'mas trip to Hongkong and Shenzhen. There were another colleague who went on the same tour with us and so the girlfriend had business associates over in China and invited us for dinner. They were businessman that has been in the industry for years. So, being "Green" i were quite scared and not knowing what to talk about and deep inside my heart i was praying that i do not need to open my mouth unless for food! haha... However, the China businessman could tell how "GREEN" i was when i have not even open my mouth to talk or even eat. He told my friend " 她應該很年輕吧，剛開始上班嗎？" So, my friend replied : "Yes, she is very young and this is her first job". This topic strike another conversation with wise dictionary. She pointed out things that i didnt read into. She said at one look at you, they knew you were "green" in the industry. Body language tells it all. However, change cannot be done immediately. Change is a constant on-going thing happening in life. So, before i knew anything, i spotted another change in me now.

Experiences give a person different plenty sets of skills and knowledge. Unless you are really that good, if not experience is always something that will bring people somewhere. So, i gathered, no matter what kind of experience, bad or good, it will still turns out to be a positive set of skill and knowledge in life. Just that, you have to absorb it in and pick it up to be a skill of yours!

2010-06-05T01:36:00.002+08:00

he amazed me once again. it truly tells that never judge a book by its cover and i got another insights which is never comment on the contents until you finished the whole book. I believe i only finished reading 1 chapter of him but there are like 12 more chapters for me to continue reading. However, i will not be able to finish this 12 chapters, because this book cannot be loan out of the library and there is the one and only book. I will never have a chance to finish that 12 chapters.

Today, i took a preview of chapter 2 & 3 and find it very interesting to continue reading but like i said, it is a book that is not for loan. i could only get previews of it and will never have a chance to finish it. However, the preview for chapter 2 & 3 was so in-depth that instantly it made me realize a lot of things.

I have always been wanting to be able to share what i have gained in my life, what i have learned in my life to anybody, hoping that it will help them in someway. Ultimately, the small part in me wish to have something in return, like "thank you, you are the person that i will never forget" blah blah shits. But, in his preview, i saw another light. He willingly gave all he has and never asked for anything in return and even put the blame on himself if things goes wrong. I find it very interesting that when things go wrong, some people will put the blame on themselves instead of pushing it to the others. Sometimes, things are just not in your control and having giving out your best is the only thing you can assure yourself and credit yourself and not keep putting the blame on yourself. It is not easy to hypnotize yourself to do this. Whenever, i want to put the blame to other knowing outright that i am not at fault, sometimes i just can't help but to blame myself. if only i did this, if only i have done that, then problems will not happen. You took the blame to push yourself harder and set a higher expectations for yourself.

Another preview teach me that again as i have once mentioned, nobody is so generous to share whatever they have gained in life. but for those who does, is because they hope that they are able to help people who needed help and not to fall in the same shoes as they did. They walked the longer way to where they are now and do not want to see potential people taking such a long road like they did. They hope they could save this people from some long walks and give them directions to go a shorter way. I truly admire them as only with vast experience you are able to do so. Without them, no matter how much you want to give, how much you wish you can share, it will not lead the people in need a shortcut road.

This enlightened me to really share when i have more experiences and knowledge and not share because i want to do so. As, it might lead them a failed route having not being able to reach their ending point. Share only when you can and not when you want! We have a common point which is sharing and we never choose the person to share. Whether they are willing to hear or not willing to, we will share, as we feel that there are some things that they ought to know in life. It is really up to individual to restructure their thinking mind, decisions and actions.

Suddenly, i have a goal in mind. I am giving myself another 2 years and within this 2 years i will gained as much knowledge and experiences i can. If i cannot find a reason to stay in Singapore within this 2 years, i will go!

2010-06-04T12:53:00.001+08:00

i really don't understand what was going through my mind past 2 weeks. I am feeling better now and see a bigger picture. Afterall, I didn't know how come i was so persistence for awhile. I was feeling terrible 2 weeks ago, but it got better now.

It is certainly sad departing a class full of fun and laughter and with a really good awesome lecturer! He was more than a plain normal lecturer, he treated us like friends. I love the moments when he jokes in class and i will tag alone. As, i am a pretty lame person. But, sometimes i am impressed at how lame and crappy i can get. But, eventually, the whole class will burst into laughter. That's really fun. Wednesday was the last class with Jason and i certainly will miss him as a lecturer. I had never missed any of his lessons although the thoughts of skipping might be in my head, but action was always never executed.

though, it marks the end of our teacher-students relationship, i believe our class can turn into friendship relationship. If Jason is my friend, i believe he is half of my wise dictionary. Although, his passion for advertising always motivate me and tells me that i have made the right choice, but the motivation didn't last long. Suddenly, i have no directions in life and clueless about what i want to do.

Long story short - "If you know that this isn't the right thing, good thing and sense something wrong, chop immediately, you must know how to chop it fast!" Having listening to this, "Chop it fast!" i think, this would be another of my philosophy in life. This is a goal that i want to achieve after i graduate. Knowing what is right, what i really want and what i want to do. Chop it fast to those that will not contribute in my life and doesn't want to play a part in my life. I will chop it fast! good sentence!

I will not hold on to things and people that i think that it will not work or is worthless. So, i will Chop it Fast!

bye bye.

2010-05-31T12:28:00.000+08:00

i wish to embark on a journey alone..

Everything should start small then grows big. So, if i want to embark on a journey alone, i should start small. She makes a good point, "because if you want something out of it, you will tend to feel more miserable". Yes, i admit i want something out of it, but it is a far-away hand to even touch it less grabbing it. And, i am not able to filter my thoughts out, so i divert my focus and attention to embarking a journey alone.

Start small and grows big. Since, i was being dumped to be alone, i have always wanted to travel alone as well. But was always gunned down by friends around me. But friends are friends for a moment, there are still moments of departure. Friends that used to gun me down bid their farewell, as it just hints to me that " i can start a journey on my own "

I didn't know that the key to the lock reappeared 3 years later. and neither did i expect the key was a wrong key. i became quite moody recently. gosh, the feeling is back! and i want to chase it away.

I missed my chance but will it comes again. hahaha... what a joke!

2010-05-26T11:52:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, a chat with an old friend brings back beautiful, fun and happy memories.

Had a chat with an old friend whom we (a big group of us, a mixture of soccer players & netball players) used to hang out very often during poly life. Poly year 1 and 2 was my happiest times in life. We always hang out together, doing stupid things and having fun and just really be together to laugh and laugh and just laugh. There wasn't any worries on my mind but just want to be happy and friends are very important to me then.

I changed. While we were chatting, i think i was pretty fast in reacting to the lameness and crappiness of my friend. Given the old me, i would just "What the hell, what the fuck! or basically just keep laughing if off" hahahha.. but yesterday i retorted every single things he said. So, is kinda of funny as i wasn't like this before. And he definitely brought back damn old and happy memories. Laughter & Happiness is the easiest thing to do but the hardest to achieve. sometimes, i have to admit that i miss the old me.

he reminded me that he was the first funny friend i had! hahahahha, and in fact it is true. but i met another 2 after that. So, i think being funny is a talent itself as well. Cos, not everyone can be funny as they want to be. hahahaha.. i think the most thing i missed of my old me was the retarded laughter i used to have. hahahah. that was how i got famous in Sports Club. hahahah! because of that retarded laughter everyone knew me. how interesting is that. Girls usually get famous because of their hot figure, pretty faces but i got famous because of my retarded laughter! hahahah, really have to laugh it off. But, that was the happy times, and i really miss my retarded laughter which i am unable to have that again. Why nobody help to video my retarded laughter before. i forgot how it sounds like. But, i was once proud of my retarded laughter, because when i laugh everyone started laughing as well. So, making people around me happy makes me happy too! i was so simple that time. I think that was the best of me. :)

Laughter can be seen easy but a hard to do. I was looking at this cute little kid that keeps on laughing and laughing non stop while looking at the sister. Nobody was playing with him, but he can just laugh and laugh by himself. The scene makes me smile. How i envy kids that can laugh and laugh as and when they want, laugh and laugh like today never ends, laugh and laugh like their mind is as light as feather. How i wish i could be like them. Just laugh all my life. hahahha... seriously, wrong path taken. i should be working in childcare centre, everyday absorb the laughter from the children and i will be as happy as them. They will not give tough problems like adults do, they will not give trouble like adults do, they will not be able to reason as well like adults do. They are just harmless human beings.

I am going to stop thinking of the far-fetched dreams but try to grab a dream that i think i can achieve for myself! Go! Go! Go!

2010-05-25T15:18:00.003+08:00

if only i know how to filter my thoughts, then i will be a happy person.

Sometimes i think i am rather ridiculous to allow my thoughts to wander around. There is always this period is life you will feel damn low. when i feel damn low, i don't know what to do to make myself feel better. And, i hate something, cos this something will make my life terrible. It sucks! So, i hope i can filter my thoughts and not think about it anymore. I should stay focus in what i want to do and focus in it. I shouldn't let other things/people to affect my decision. This is the 1 thing i aim to do this year. A challenge to myself, as i was being told that i am very easily distracted. And i strongly agreed to that. I am unable to focus on a certain thing for more than 1 hour. And this is not good because it will bring me nowhere, and i will not be able to achieve anything. If i can't focus and let things hang around where they are.Then this sucks!Maybe, there is some reason why i am always alone.

just had an incident just now that make me thinks of life. I was waiting for a lift, and suddenly my phone rang, i picked up the phone and missed the lift. Because of the phone call, i have to wait ages for another lift. This rings a thought in my life that, if you missed something in life, you might have to wait longer for another chance to come by. Therefore, grab hold of any chance that comes by in life, as you never know where it will bring you to. Maybe something good, maybe something bad. However, you will gain experience in any paths.

I wasn't like this in the past, but why this time? This is really interesting that i am experiencing the incident over again. I don't like this.

I think i need a new direction in life. What have i to lose out?

2010-05-13T17:58:00.001+08:00

when you meet a similar someone, you will missed that someone more....

when you see some of the previous memories, you will missed that someone more...

i met "her" yesterday, but was a male version. He has plentiful of knowledge, he has countless of experience and most importantly he has a way to express himself and bring the correct message across. And the fact is, there are very limited people like them around. Those that are willingly to share everything they know, willingly to guide you along, willingly to teach you what's right and what's wrong, stimulate your thinking mind and they are generous in most way!

I like the way he talked, how he presented himself, he is well-versed in English and Chinese. He is so like the male version of "her" in some ways. He triggered her up in my mind. Once, i thought i should grow on my own and learn on my own, but then again i realize she was always the answer to my confusion, problems. He impressed me when he started talking, people will give him the 100% attention and feel very comfortable to talk to him because he does not show any threats to others, if he offers to help, it seems that he really, genuinely wants to help. That was the first time we met and this is how far i can conclude him. I might be wrong because i don't even know him at all. But, i know he is her and they must have achieve something in life or have been through somewhere in life to be who they are. 

I was reading some past conversations and it recalled this sentence "怕朋友突然不关心, 最怕周围没人关心你". i must say, she always knows what is the real thoughts going on my mind, she always manage to dig the true feelings deep deep down me. "No Man is an island", hard to comprehend, but the meaning is 100% truth! "juz dun wan u to dwell into tat n make it part of your mantra in life", and she knows what will happen if my tune my thoughts into a particular direction and she don't want it to happen. But, can i say unfortunately, it happens. 

Incidents make me realize, i changed into a cold-hearted being. I used to care a lot for people but now i do not at all. Is not entirely like that, just that i do not know how to phrase it. anyway, yesterday we were throw a question.  "HOW PASSIONATE ARE YOU FOR ADVERTISING?"

Everyone supposed to answer but ended up only 1 person answered. If i were given a chance to speak, my answer will be this. 

Advertising was my secondary option. I am a person that is afraid of boredom and like creative things. Partly, because of my previous course that i have some contacts with designs and creativity. Since then, i only love things that are creative and interesting. I chose Advertising as my second option because, advertising can makes wonder or rather the people in advertising makes advertising wonder! The way they thought of the idea, regardless to make it a loud bang! a soft-touching approach! the key to advertising for me is to touch the consumer's heart and mind. I love how creativity flows in a office, where everyone starts talking nonsense that's when some idea is making in the process. That's why advertising is my second option. 

i questioned myself, how passionate am i? i will spread 80% of passion to fashion and the 20% to advertising, so now you tell me, do you think i am passionate about advertising?

the man who hold my hand when i was young.....

2010-05-11T00:48:00.000+08:00

things that cannot be said too fast.

In my previous article, i happened to mentioned about marriage and funeral. Not long ago, someone closed to me went on a long holiday trip that does not have a return ticket. It was devastating as he was someone that took care of me when i was in pre-school. I only had memories of him then, followed on was bits and pieces of memories and misfortune befall him that he was unable to participate in our growing up process. Because, if he does, he is definitely the best grandpa i ever had. I might be closer to my grandparents which i always wished to......

memories that was intact all long... he will send me and picked me up when i was in pre-school, although it was a very short walking distance to the coffeeshop, he will want to do so instead of my dad. Then he will buy me fishballs after my school and i will accompanied him back to his house where he does his work. I remembered the room full of coffee beans, coffee powder on the floor and the huge coffee grinder. Perhaps thats the reason why our coffee is the best! Misfortune came when i haven even finished my pre-school and memories stopped there.... because he was unable to accompany me to school and teach me more things.....

my mum always says : "we (grandchildren) are the reason why he is hanging on for so long despite the pain that he has to go through". He was a man that took great care of his family, making sure his children are of good character and quality and making sure the grandchildren are well taken care of.

I missed him when he is able to hold my hand and pick me after school..........................

i take back my word! i rather attend a happy occasion where it might not bears any meaning than to attend a sad occasion that is full of memories....

he was a good man!

2010-04-22T22:17:00.001+08:00

一個是紅事，一個是白事。。。。

what does marriage suppose to define? to prove that the love for each other? a companion that walk with you the rest of your life? spending the rest of your life with someone you really love? sometimes, i can't believe my beliefs have changed.

Before, i was just like any normal girl that was just waiting to marry the right man and have a family and that's it. This was what i deemed life as for girls like us. Girls are constantly searching for the Mr. Right, searching for what they call "true love". Seriously, i think that it is a very vague term. Although, i still get tons of emotions rushing within me when i see couples happily married, but i don't yearn for that anymore. Because, i stop believing in happily ever-after, i stop believing in promises and i stop believing in faith.

Rather, i found death meaningful. It marks the end of a life of someone who has been living for the number of the years as human. As, humans we are constantly making mistakes everyday, we are always seen making the wrong decision, we are always guessing what is going in other's lives. It seems that, living is a very tiring chore to begin with. However, all the years till death, are moments and times, that you laugh, that you teared, that you feel happiness, blissful that you are full of anger and hatred. All there memories are the one that accompanied you when you die, these are memories that nobody is able to steal away from you, these are memories that will be locked in you forever. Something very meaningful in the show, when people die, the most common things they have are that they left with regrets. So, in order to die calmly, humans must learn to let go of many things that can't be forced. If not, regrets will be the one to follow you when you die instead of those memories that you stored............

Always full of emotions after watch "New Beginnings"..........

i think i must learn to let go of things that i don't own and never will own........................

gwenny

2010-04-13T23:20:00.000+08:00

SURPRISE!

nothing to be surprise about, just loving the word for a moment. sometimes i think i am too stubborn in a lot of stuffs. I used to think anything to me will do because at that time i have yet to find what i love. or the so-called "PASSION". However, after finding what i love, nothing else seems to interest me anymore. I don't know if my brain refused to twist and think or i don't allow my brain to twist and think. I find myself childish at times when i keep holding on to my passion. Although, i am working towards it at a very slow speed but i feared for the future. Cos, even the alternative that i chose, i was not happy with it. Once, i thought anything about creative,designing, planning can interest me, but all the alternatives failed me. All this was never what i liked, it was never my passion.

NO PASSION, NO MOTIVATIONS

NO MOTIVATIONS, NO RESULTS

NO RESULTS, NO GAINS

I picked up Female Magazine and reading through while i was having my lunch alone. Every page interest me as much as i want to be interested. All the fanciful, colorful, beautiful clothing, accessories and just endless of them. It has been some time since i last picked up a magazine. How interesting are the stories of each individual, the new upcoming designer to look out for, the always being love by all designers or fashionista that were seen in the magazine. A HA! i found my alternative! keep it low less it flies away.....

2010-04-08T12:50:00.001+08:00

i wrote it there, i wrote it here..

and i think he is right!

i think it is time to change my mentality. i keep having thoughts that the whole world owe me things, but in actual fact, no one owes me anything. I must understand this point and accept it. I can't go round blaming the whole world that landed me somewhere i do not want to be, i can't go around telling tales about the whole world that made me a sad and pathetic soul, i just can't possibly continuing doing so. I have to answer to my own doings. I have the rights to decide for myself, i have the control in my life. So, i should be even more independent that i am.

I am used to being alone, so anything doesn't really matters to me. If i am not good enough, then i am really not good enough. It is really very tough to find someone that understands you and will support your decision. Hardly anyone can understand where is your point of view, none will be able to stand in your shoes and think for you. Everyone is selfish, they only think for themselves. When you are one and i am one, we can't blame others for their misunderstanding. Because, we are all selfish human being that only think for ourselves. Making ourselves looking more outstanding than others, even you know that person is better, you will still deny the fact and instead bring yourself up. Humans are like that, it seems to be a shameless thing to admit that "I am lousy!" "you are really better than me" "I am so stupid(genuine feeling stupid)" None will agree to this, even though deep inside it is the truth!

People that are low profile and quiet often have the biggest dream in their mind that they are quietly working towards it.........

i thought we will be different but i think otherwise now......people are constantly changing, and nobody will feel good when seeing others having a better live than you yourself. This is part of human nature as well. That's the reason for greed around the earth. When you cannot accept the truth that others just have the luck and so fortunate to be better, rich, prettier, smarter, you will try your very best to still stand out before them. When surroundings start singing praises for other people except you, you are angry why your limelight is stolen away. You just want to be in the bright bright good lively world and never want to be in the dull dull dark quiet world....

I give myself another 2 years to think how i can start fresh again.....

2010-03-30T12:18:00.003+08:00

i am so bend on writing today, even if my mind is blank, i am trying to force some thoughts into it. Am i crazy or what?

"When you are in the airport, you will have that impulsiveness to just buy a ticket and fly off to somewhere alone. " So, if i were given this opportunity, where should my destination be? a question worth thinking...I will choose Paris, the city of fashion...... I will want to see with my own eyes, why everyone deemed Paris to be the fashion city. To see the beautiful architectural buildings they have, to just sit down at an alfresco cafe, drinking coffee and observe the locals there. If i have the chance........ Recently, i have been secretly searching some information online of Taipei as i always said i want to try and live there. I believe when the times draws nearer, i will be more afraid to leave. I will lose the courage to just leave everything behind and just go... maybe when times comes, i will lose it all again.

Recently, i heard this phrase somewhere, "when you are focusing in doing a task seriously, times pass without you knowing." I just feel that it is a happiness to be able to focus in completing a task that is part of your dream or passion. Because, the feeling of being closer to your dream is the best thing that could ever happen. Then, it dawn upon me, when was the last time i were so focus in completing a task or feel happiness upon completing the task. Sadly, i got none of this memory in my mind.

When you start getting older, you will tend to lost count on your age. I will always ask myself, am i 22 this year or 23 or 24? Not sure, if this is an act of denial or just simply don bother to remember what is my age now. Does it really matter what age a person is be it in love or work. I think the most important lies in the brain, the thoughts, the emotion and the action. A person can jolly well be 30 years old but still acting like a 20 years old human with imature thinkings and actions. So, what's the big deal of 30 years old then? Some could be only 20 years old, but behaving like a mature young adult. With a goal in their mind that they are working towards it, having principle in their life where they abide by it. So, i don quite bother what's your age, if i think you are worth to be my friend, then you are. i am a learner, i need to learn alot of things, knowledge and experiences from people that are willing to teach and share with me. I had one before, so i believe i am in search for another one.

People also have different point of views when situations happen... Some are able to stand in other people's shoes to think why their action. I think i am quite good at this. As, somehow i think i was also taught by her or rather, influence by her. Everytime, when i complain to her, she will analyze the problem and she won't stand on either side and will be a neutral party. She will analyze the person's doings and tell me in her point of view the motive/reason of the person's doings. So, i think i was influence by her to act in this way. Like it or not, i am like that. Maybe Friends will not be able to understand why i didn't sing the same song with them or support them. But, how can i support them knowing outright that they were in the wrong? Sometimes, you think for others, stand in their shoes and think of them, but who will think for you and stand in your shoes and understand/support you.....................

I really appreciate people that are genuine and sincere. that's the hardest to ask from someone..................

If i feel that i found someone who can be my friend because we had plenty of similarities, how to make that person my close friend?

2010-03-16T12:56:00.001+08:00

i was staring at the night sky last night, to realise that the sky is so clear that i was able to see blinking stars. Once, i remembered i love watching stars in the sky, which then reminds me of the innocent and navie me few years ago.

I could remember that, it is a happiness to be able to see the blinking stars up in the sky, and i believe in wishing if there is a meteor star. But none of the above can lie to me anymore. If there are wishes in the world, they why do people still have to work hard towards their goals? If there are wishes in the world, everyone could just be happily waiting for their wishes to come true. If there are wishes in the world, i will be someone i want to be and not be who i am now.

Sometimes i think i don't belong to anyone and not accountable to anyone but myself. how interesting and sad to find this truth and to realize that there is really nothing much left in Singapore. I think i can be independent and just go ahead to realize my dreams since there is nothing much left in Singapore. Why am i still staying around?

Recently i found myself a new nick " I am like an abandoned child". Finding myself, strolling around the road alone, talking to myself, going around and find someone to depend on that is genuine and sincere, doing any single things myself. And i hope she can appear before me as i have some important questions for her to help me analyse. But this is not going to happen. Sometimes, it gets really tiring depending on myself......

I think i am such a failure as i am not capable of judging a person's character and personality. Or probably i have the right judgment but do not dare to accept the fact of his/her character or personality. In actual fact, i have nothing to lose..............you can really tell everything based on your feelings, as it is the most direct emotions and thoughts that will get into your head straight away. So, we can actually tell whether he/she is sincere/helpful/hidden with agenda/true/genuine and alot more...........

In search of something new..........

Why can a picture always hide my saddness and show my happiness when in actual fact i am not even a single bit happy???

2010-03-12T01:30:00.001+08:00

sometimes once will really sink into depression when he/she does not have a channel or place to vent the frustration/anger/unhappiness. It is really unhealthy to just keep everything within yourself. It would be best that you are able to find someone to let it out immediately.

I choose to face my macbook. It is a different case for me, as i don't think anyone is able to help me or do anything even if i let it all out, so what is the use of saying. Another saying could be, i have yet to find someone that i feel that he/she is like a family to me, it doesn't matter what i do or what i say. I thought i would be fine on my own, but suddenly i have the urge today that i hope she appear before me. This time i couldn't figure out myself, this time i believe i need her point of view. But, yet i know and understand that, i was left alone for a long time already. It just like an abandoned child, nobody will care for, nobody will guide the child along, nobody will tell the child the good and bad, the black and white, the truths and the lies.

There are many lucky people around me which really make me the least luckiest among all.......... in terms of many many aspects......

我朋友告訴我，我很會安排我的時間，過的很充實。可是，為什麼我終覺得孤單將會變成一種詛咒。。。。。真的害怕。。。。

Sometimes i really don't understand, how come people could lie in front of camera? I love taking pictures and capturing almost every moments. And no matter whether i am sad, angry, depressed or happy, my pictures always lie and i almost believe myself that for that instance i am a happy person.

I can't figure why one second i can be very lively, happy and joyful but the next second i can just be depressed, sad and unhappy. Interesting isn't it?

For a reason....

2010-03-02T01:46:00.000+08:00

why am i always making the wrong decision for myself.

in 2004, i made a wrong decision to study multimedia design in singapore poly,

in 2008, maybe i made a wrong decision to let it go?? ,

in 2009, i made a wrong decision to study an alternative i thought i will be alright with it.

these are just 3 major wrong decision i made in my 23 years of life that eventually changed me into someone else.

there are plenty of minor decision that i made along my life that i regretted too. So, can someone tell me why am i always making the wrong decisions for myself? I just can't seems to get it right. And isn't 23 a tad too old to realise all the wrong decisions made? I suddenly don't know how i should continue from here.

Before making all the decisions, i thought i think hard and long enough to ensure that i do not regret in anything that i do. But, yet everytime upon thinking back, i always regretted and said that "i should have do this, i should have do that". I remembered writing a post about making decisions in life. No one knows whether this is the right decisions made until you achieve something you want to gain from the decisions. So, does it means that i didn't gain anything from all the decisions that i have made? maybe true enough that i didn't or maybe i expect more than what i have gained?

in 2004, upon studying multimedia design, i have gained design experiences, creative's mind, knowledge on the design software and gained a friend that i let go.

in 2008, upon letting go, i gained myself. i gained a chance to grow up and not living a life for others' but myself.

in 2009, upon studying marketing and advertising, i have gained.... (pause for a moment...) a new job?

So, tell me did i expect more that i have gained or all of those that i have gained it not what i wanted?

i have mentioned to myself so many times what i wanted, i have reminded myself many times that i only wanted that. Just a simple want, but because of surroundings and environment that stopped me from my want that drove me to all the wrong decisions. I've had enough with myself and angry with myself.

If i told her how i felt, what was her response? (*somehow i know her answer).

Rachel asked me a fairly good question today. she asked: " do i feel lost when she stop teaching me?"

i don't feel lost partly is because she made me found myself, and she gave me a mind of my own. i have my own answers to my problems and i know how to solve my own problems. but sometimes you tend to rely on someone because you are tired thinking of problem solutions yourself. You just want to be lazy hoping someone could provide you an instant answer to what you need. I didn't know what i was capable because i relied on her too much. I learned how to make my own decisions and have my own thoughts. i am different.

i dropped by "Depression" at Far East Plaza today, and was greatly impressed by Kenny who remembered me, not only that, he remembered my name! I was really impressed and shocked, because my last visit was probably 2 years ago. 2 years ago, i was different til i couldn't recognize myself but he did! how impressive! let me search a 2 years ago picture......

Yupz, somewhere near here...... This was how i looked 2 years ago..................

my picture now....

It not that i changed drastically but i have friends that couldn't recognize me after not seeing my for sometime. I was impressed!

When you love something so much, or when you expected that it will happen, this is when fear stepped in because u are afraid of not getting or losing it.......

2010-02-23T23:36:00.000+08:00

there are million of people in the world, but not everyone is like them.......

the willingness and ability to share....... not everyone is like them that are willing to share what they posses... not everyone is like them that has the ability to share.... i know for my case, i lost the ability to share. i did not go through alot of experiences or have some power sets of knowledge to be able to share. But, they have both. And in a certain context, they are the most powerful people in the world.

this time i have to say i am lucky. i am lucky that i met her in my path. but now i lost her. she taught me alot of things that i need to know. today, i had another walking dictionary that told me "people are always being influence, when we were young we were influence by our parents, when we are adults we are influence by our friends" ha... agreeable... because of her, i was influence in many ways, that in some part i think i am becoming more and more like her. I was influence by her to be daring and bold, i was influence by her to think, i was influence by her that we got nothing to lose if we try, but many things to lose if we don't try. i was totally influence by her. She was my wise dictionary that i would want to carry for life. She is always able to wake some senses in me.

she was the luckiest thing that even happen in my life.

okay, i have to do some homework now....

you reap whatever you sow.... :)

2010-02-19T19:48:00.002+08:00

No idea why I choose to read my past posts today. Never fail that I will always end up full of emotions everytime. Suddenly, the past things I did, past words I said, past feelings I felt flashing in my mind. In recent years, I really faced a terrible memory loss. But, all the past events recurred in my mind.

I sunk to the bottom again, not because I changed drastically but I am angry with myself that I did not keep any happy things in my memory but choose to keep all the sad ones.

I used to be a frequent and typical blogger that narrates what I did for the day. I am glad I did so. Only this allows me to remember many good events in my life and I have so many to apologize too.

Thank you jiayi for making my poly life this wonderful!

Sorry jiayi that my changed caused us to drift further.

Thank you meijie for the times we once had.

Sorry meijie that for some reasons we are not close anymore.

Thank you luo, kenneth, baolong, Vinson and Joel for sticking with me for 12 years!

Sorry to certain people that I choose to stay away from.

Thank you "green gang" for making my poly life a tremendous happy and eventful times!

Thank you yen wei for beliving that I am a good netball player.

I know I once cherish you guys more than myself. But finally, I understand all this happen because of my change! How I wish while I changed I still kept the happy me inside. Apparently, I definitely didn't do so.

Suddenly, there are so many past events that flashed in my mind that I totally forgot, all the happy times spent but because of certain actions I only choose to remember all the hurtful events.

I know I want to be me and I know part of my past wasn't me.

Now I am who I want to be however to a certain extent I lost a part of my past.

Everyone leads a different life but only she could convince me and only she that I am able totake in the advise! I am lucky to her that help me found me!

2010-01-28T15:26:00.001+08:00

i have been neglecting writing here because i got myself a chinese blog, that i wrote everything in chinese. Although, i am a singaporean, whereby singaporean basically converse in English, i still love my base as a chinese and being able to write and converse well in Chinese. That's why i got myself a chinese blog which is popular in Taiwan.

The reasons for chinese blog is because, firstly i want to improve in my chinese, secondly some feelings are better expressed in Chinese, thirdly hoping that i will get to know some Taiwanese friends through this blog. haha...

will you bend your principle to deem fit your life, or let your principle make your life worse? in my case, i chose the secondary. because, if any were to choose the first one, i will just have to let you know, that are not principle in your life, that are rules in your life that can be change in time down the road. Principles will not vary that much if your view in life never change. These are principles that i greatly abide myself to, if i have no principles in life, i am not me. i think principles are a very important criteria anyone must have. it might be obstacles in your path, but if you bend those principles of yours, it might be your view of certain things has changed or it could be that you were wrong with the definition of principles.

i was a person without principles, meaning "everything goes". but not now, she thought me what is principles, she showed me how strong we should stick to our principle. cos partly it identify who you are. And i want to be who i am. Ever since, i know what principles are, i am not easy going anymore.

i used to be like this (1986 - 2007):

i want to be lovable in everyone's eyes

i want to be nice to everyone, so that they will say nice things about me

i want everyone to have a good impression of me

i want everyone to think that i am nice

i want everyone to like me

i want everyone that wants me to be their friends

that was me which is equivalent as "a very fake person". because i am doing things that i don't like just to please everyone else, for them to be nice to me, for them to like me, for them to want me to be their friends. That was the past. I do not hate the past me, because i am who i am. I have changed for the better, i have learned how to be me and i have got the answer.

I am on my own now, i do not have my wise dictionary anymore. I have to ask myself alot of questions in order to get the answer. but in any ways, she played an important role in my learning and growing process. Because i am tired to be the nice person, to be the fake person, to be the person that pleases everyone but myself. i am happy to be on my own, because then i will know if i am able to deal with things that i thought was impossible for me. Thank you, sunshine. Please shine everywhere you go......

if i only have 70% of trust in you, is that still consider friends?

by gwenny

2010-01-10T15:59:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year everyone! This was a delayed greetings as i was away to Winter Time!

As i have promised myself, to be away for the New Year, I did it this time round. I went to Taiwan to welcome a New Year - 2010. I would say that, after this trip i loved Taiwan more and more. And it has take over the Top standing country in my heart, which made Hong Kong No. 2. There are so many things to say about Taiwan, but by writing them down, it does not seem real. So, make a trip to Taiwan yourself and you will know how good a country it is.

I have always love Winter Time because this is the time to get out all your coats, boots and hats! Is the year end fashion showcase. I got my boots and my hats, but i am missing of my coat! but no fret! there are plenty and plenty in Taiwan that you can find. Those pretty and beautiful one! My goodness, is Singapore has winter sometime, you will see me spending New Year in Singapore. Before that really arrives, i will always be away for Winter Time! I love Winter.

If i have a chance, i will want to spend some years living in Taipei to understand more of their culture and living habits. If i have a chance, please let me have a entertainment or fashion job in Taipei where i will be more expose to some knowledge that i need badly, if i have a chance, i really wanna stay overseas to see my own adaptability if i am independent enough. If i have a chance, please let me date a Taiwanese guy, so that i can drop by as and when i feel like. If i have a chance, then i will be in Taipei.

A country filled with warmth, friendliness and night life. A country filled with yummy delicious food and fashionable clothings. A country filled with pretty girls and full of scooters. A country that won Hong Kong in my heart.

I will be back, Taiwan!

By gwenny

2009-12-03T11:12:00.004+08:00

beauty of fireworks.

I have always love fireworks because of the beauty of it. It has been long since i went to watch Fireworks "live" rather than on TV. I had a good spot of the fireworks show and was really touched by the magnificent scene that i saw. Every sparks, every shot made me so touched that tears would have roll down my cheeks.

i remembered this was how i describe fireworks before,

fireworks bring with them excitement, happiness and emotions,

every sparks, every shot is deemed to surprise you in everyway,

you are not able to imagine how beautiful it will be,

but upon seeing it, you will fall deeply in love with it.

however, fireworks will be gone in an instant,

you are not able to have it forever,

but could only remember how beautiful it was.

it is the same for love,

love gives you excitement, happiness and emotions,

every action, every words will touched your heart,

you cannot predict the outcome of every relationship

but you are deeply in love at the moment,

however, love might be gone suddenly,

you are not able to have it forever,

but could only keep the beautiful and sweet memories deep in your heart.

the above has been improvise but the meaning i am trying to convey is the same. No matter how beautiful the fireworks are, the disappear in less than 20 seconds, you are not able to have them forever but could only remember how beautiful they once were, and the happiness and emotions they bring you. The same goes for love, you never know is this is an ever-lasting love, but when it is gone, there are only memories left to remember and to reminisce.

Although, fireworks are only there for a short time, but the beauty of it let you forgive the short stay they are able to accompany you. I love fireworks, let me find someone who love fireworks and will go around just to watch fireworks! *wink*

This phrase caught me deeply, but it sounds more meaningful in chinese. so find this version of my thoughts in chinese somewhere................

she once told me, " if you have already meet the best person you deemed he/she is, no matter how fantastic or good others came by your life, it will never be the same, no one can replaced the best in your heart "

it is really true, take my lecturer for example, he was really good, fun, humorous and young! I really enjoyed his lesson and would never want to miss a single lesson. So a new term starts, and i drag all the other lessons, because he already scored over what full marks could give, and no one can be like him. So it is really tough to replace the best in you.

Now, it occurred to me, that each incident in my life, makes me realize that i do remember every single thing she once told me. So, i cannot expect another person like her to come by, because she is already the best advisor, the best people that swung by my life. I have to let her shift out to let a new person comes in, because if she stays forever, there won't be space for a new tenant.

2009-11-19T23:47:00.002+08:00

only "SHE" can answer my questions of people and life.....

is it me being too prejudice that only "she" can answer my questions of people and life? or this is really the fact? or should i say this instead: " i do know the answers deep down in my heart, however i will need assurance from her to tell myself that i am right " maybe is not answer and is more of an assurance to my answers of my own question. Only she is able to analyse without taking any sides and very neutral about situations and problems. Where am i able to find someone i trusted so much in to believe in them? She is of a different level in life, she is not a friend but my guidance.

Am i really moving too fast in life that i feel that no one is able to catch up? Do i really need someone to reassure me of my own queries and answer? How come both incident happen the same way and will they end the same too? Will i go back to a cycle again so that i am able to meet another "her"?

"Don't ask for more"... don't ask for more that what you have in life, don't ask for what cannot be achieve in life, don't ask for happiness in life if you are not going to do anything about it, be more practical and don't ask for more. Humans have a tendency to ask for more when they have what they want, and keep on wanting more. Greed pushes this mentality and actions in praying for more, asking for more. Be contented with what you have now!

"have a little faith".....

by gwenny

2009-11-18T00:30:00.004+08:00

it is not easy to have someone with the same interest, the same liking, same sense, same thoughts. i believe this was the reason for me being upset of the departure. In alot of aspects, she is way better than me, better sense, better taste, stronger in language, stronger in socializing, better thoughts. But we have almost the same liking, therefore in some ways it is really tough to find someone like her. She gave me rounds and rounds of ropes, so that i am able to climb and climb. When we reach a stop, i thought i could climb up again, she is gone with the ropes, leaving me where i am to find my ways to keep on climbing. This has eventually made me lost and keeps on wondering whether she will be back to provide the ropes again. There was no reason for her departure that makes me keep on wandering with plenty of thoughts, were i too clumsy during the process? did i made any mistakes during the process? Departure without a reason is comparable to the situation where i am in, hanging in the middle not knowing what to do. Shouting for her will be of no use as i know that there will be no response, i could only wait for her return or for me to realise that i am on my own already.

I might understand her well enough that i might have made a mistakes, but i hate not knowing what the mistakes are. With this, how am i going to improve on it or even avoid making the same mistakes. This is the torturing part. Nevertheless, she was once my wise dictionary and this wise dictionary will be well kept until i have a chance to return a favor.

Suddenly, I hate the winter season. Gloomy as were told, Sad as were told. All these feelings came settled in. Raindrops are falling from the sky telling me that i should shed some tear to relieve my saddness and worries. When raindrops are gone, sun is back again and i will have my sunshine shining at me again.

"have a little faith"

by :gwenny:

2009-11-13T01:45:00.002+08:00

Gcomms Studio Website is up!

Please kindly visit www.gcomms.blogspot.com for more information on some relevant designs works or services that you are looking for!

Please help to spread around too!

Thank you.

2009-11-12T12:56:00.003+08:00

Gcomms Studio is officially OPEN!

Gcomms Studio is officially open on the 12th November 2009! Gcomms Studio specialize in Namecards, Logo, Flyer, Pamphlets, Poster and ad-hoc designs.

Please await for the website of Gcomms Studio!

My dear friends, please spread this around!

Gcomms Studio can be contactable at E: gcommsstudio@gmail.com

Thank you!

gwenny

2009-11-04T02:12:00.001+08:00

"THIS IS IT"

100% HONESTY

He is the legend, he is the hero, he is none other than 'KING OF POP'. I knew Micheal Jackson when i was a child, but it wasn't those crazy madly in love with Micheal. I love his songs but never understand his feelings for all the songs he sang. i knew he was a marvellous artiste but never knew his efforts behind his hard work.

But, upon watching 'THIS IS IT'. I understand MJ more, and he showed what a true entertainer and musician and artiste should be. I believe marvellous, fantastic, amazing all this words are not enough to describe him. It is hard to believe such a legend is gone. There is no one who is as good as him or even near him that could ever replace him. The power of his vocal, the flexibility of his moves and the sensitivity he has with the music. These were all a gift to him, a gift to him from heaven and he was a gift to his fans from heaven. There could never be a 2nd MJ, as MJ could only be MJ.

For his every concert, he rehearse over and over again inregardless of how tired he might be, or how many times he had to do it again. He just want to tune every details and every bits to be perfect and to meet his expectations. Perfection is his ideal that he target in his concert. At every part of the song, every interval, every action he could already anticipate what response he will be able to get from his audience and fans. Therefore, in order not to disappoint them, he make sure everything is perfect and if he could, he will make it to be over perfect. This only goes to show, he truly respect his profession and his passion for music and his love for his fans!

How upsetting it is to know that a legend has gone, and how pity it is that no one will be able to see how marvellous the concert could be. I believe this could be the most regretful event in life for all the MJ's lovers.

He will always be remembered for his passion and love for the people and the world. Just like the lyrics he wrote in his songs. He truly care and love, hoping to pass every bit of his love to everyone that he could.

I regret that i wasn't able to see any of his concert live!

2009-10-22T13:48:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to myself!

This year, no uncomfortable celebrations, no unnecessary gatherings. just a simple dinner but i am happier than any other previous 2 birthdays. because, i have plenty of friends that wishes me HAPPY BIRTHDAY! though, i thought half of them would have forgotten. So, a big thanks to everyone that did wish me on my Birthday. i believe nothing can be as precious as sincere wishes! :) No elaborating birthday cake, so i wasn't prepared to make any wish. I only made 1 very very very very very very simple wish. If this simple wish couldn't be granted, then i think Birthday Wishes are FAKE! they are just for shows!

Daniel Vosovic, the Project Runway Season 2 fashion designer. i received a book of his and i am happy about it, because he is one of the talented yet young fashion designer that i adore. He is good looking, but i believe we can only be sisters. hahaa....

Did i mention that recently i finished a book by Paulo - Zahir. There are alot of sentence i like in the book that he used to describe relationships and life. One of which is " Favor Bank". And i think i already open my favor bank already, however there is only deposit inside, i have yet to pay the favor back. I know i might not be able to do payback, because i know she doesn't need any favors, yet i will keep her account forever, without increasing the interest of hers, but increase my bank's interest. Although, deep in my heart, i know that the 2 years i gotten was a bonus, but human are always greedy. the more you get, you will want more again! but i do not want anything, just hope that we could still be in contact somehow. I know her, therefore here i am alone, waiting to pay back my favor, hoping one day she will come and withdraw it. I owe her too much that i do not know how to pay back. Is really interesting how life can be change with 1 incident, and i know that although i do not want to blame it on that incident, but i believe it was really that incident that i change my life and way of thinking and way of treating friends.

I know i may look independent, but maybe i am not, i know i may love freedom, but maybe i am not. The more things don't happen, the more i think it will not happen no matter how much faith i have in myself. Because i believe i will lost myself in the path i created for myself somehow in the middle of my journey.

Where are you? Where are you? Just remember that you have an account with me in my favor bank! My bank will be open anytime just for you!

2009-09-29T12:40:00.004+08:00

I have just finished reading the book by Mitch Album - "For One More Day" and plenty of thoughts came running in.

For one more day, i am able to live,

For one more day, i am able to talk,

For one more day, i am able to see,

For one more day, i am able to smell,

For one more day, i ask for forgiveness,

For one more day........

Plenty of "For one more day" i thought i was granted with. In life, everyone has been so busy with daily lifestyle that they forgot that, they too were granted "For one more day". Everyone just take everyday for granted. Students supposed to be studying wasting time playing, Adults suppose to be working, but keep on complaning about life. How come, nobody will think that " today i will treasure it, as i was given another day".

Sometimes things happen so fast that we cannot expect it and neither can we escape it. You never know when is your turn to go. I must say that "eventually, everyone will die, but the time has yet to reach you" People keep on saying that " this is fate, let fate decide where i should go, this is destiny and i believe in destiny." But, they don't know that they are just unable to make decision in life for themselves, so then, they pushed the blame to fate, destiny. I have mentioned this before, that everyone has only 1 life to live, and we shall just live life as if everyday is the last. And being having only 1 life, shouldn't we just do what we want to do, and what we desire in life. Not complying to living a life of others' or be like others'. I believe this thoughts has been in me since 2 years ago when i was forced to step into something i never thought.

But my beliefs is that, even though we are forced to step into something we don't like, it is in our choice whether we want to make it right or make it worse. And my beliefs is that, you will bound to gain something everywhere. And through this i gained alot, gain a wise dictionary and i gain myself!

2009-09-18T01:12:00.000+08:00

let me be the one......

let me be the one to shine....

let me be the one to dream...

let me be the one......

who do i want to be? i was catching Project Runway Season 6 just now, and jealousy caught me again. both jealousy and envy. How come they are doing what they have been wanting to do, yet i can't do anything to reach there. i am angry with myself for not having the courage to be where i want to be. if i have 110% of passion running in me, nothing could have stop me. but sometimes, it is difficult not to let the surroundings affect you. sometimes, it is difficult just to ignore it. sometimes, it is difficult just to be selfish. however, by taking all this factors into considerations, i became a miserable person. how i envy those who are pursuing their dream, how i envy those who are already doing what they have been wanting. how i envy. Watching Project Runway really makes me sad. There's this girl who is just exactly my age, and she is starting out a path for herself in the fashion world. but here i am drifting further and further away from my fashion world. One of the judges is Lindsay, and she has her own label. How come it seems so easy for celebs to create their own label, setting up their own label. How come? because of their ability to influence, because they really like fashion, or otherwise. i would have thought otherwise.

My cousin told me that she was afraid of her future, where she will stand when 5 years passed, where will she be in the future. every step she makes now is for her future, thinking for her future. but it never chanced upon me that the step i make now is planning for my future. i just simply took every step that appeared before me. because that's the easiest way out? Nope, because sometimes i do not have much choices. somehow, back in my mind, i do have plans for my future, what i really want to do. but whether it is workable, i doubt myself, i doubt my ability and capabilities. i hate it when people tell me that "you sure are capable of completing that, you are capable, you are good," because to me that are lies. when i am not even impressed by myself, how can i impress others?!

i have always said this, you will never know what this step will bring you, if i know what this step may bring me, i would have been successful by now. by then again, i am nobody. am i too eager to do something out on my own? am i eager to prove something to myself? am i too rush in trying to do things. and probably, my interest lies in somewhere else. okay, that's the saddest part of all. if that is so, i would have to start everything all over again. and i don't think i have time to repeat things in my life again. i think i should make my decision right, and not waiting to let time prove it right. i choose this decision, then i should think of ways to convince myself, something is going to work out somehow.

truly, i really lost all my feelings, think back, maybe i cried that day is because of the influence of the people that are crying and not that i am really sad about the departure. maybe i lost it all, it all meant nothing since very long ago. i am just a emo drama.

i think i care about myself more than anyone does.

2009-09-07T00:06:00.000+08:00

我是一箇多麼喜歡朋友的人，卻變成周圍都沒朋友的人。

我曾是一箇多麼樂觀的人，但這沒維持多久，悲傷就對我招手。

說這要成為我的好朋友。

從那箇時後，悲傷確實成為了我最好的朋友。

它是箇非常忠實的朋友，從沒讓我失望。

因為，它終是把悲傷帶給我。

但成為了，它的朋友後，我非常難受。

每天，過著非常難過的日子。

盼望，那一天，快樂或幸福做我的朋友。

給我快樂，給我歡笑。

但，會有那麼一天嗎？

2009-09-01T00:18:00.000+08:00

今天，想用華文來發表我的心情，但有一點忘詞了！哈！哈！沒靈感啊！救命啊！

原來，寂寞是一件非常感傷的事實！

天天，千千萬萬的陌生人經過你的身邊

偏偏，你卻是甚麼的沈默

腦里想的都是過去的回憶

那是，多麼可悲的背影

也是，一段不真實的夢

一段自己的想法跟想要加強我的中文。

明天，會是一箇新的開始。划下了一箇終點，就會在臨一箇地方開始新的起跑點。人生一定要有分分離離才會是完美的。因為，有了分分離離，人才會珍惜人余人之間的相處。人余人不會有百分百的喜歡，因為人不是完美的。但相處後，就可以把不喜歡變成喜歡。

我的心情故事到這里。

2009-08-19T03:12:00.002+08:00

i always associate life with many things that happen in our daily life. Just like driving.

sometimes, you intersects people's path, sometimes others intersect in your path. life is never a smooth riding journey. is all about how you want to make the journey smooth or easier. you can choose an expressway that is free from red lights, or a shorter way but you have alot of red lights in your life. Life is never easy.

this theory has always been set in my mind, " the more you don't want it to happen, the more it will happen, but the more you want it to happen, the more it won't happen ". i believe this occurs on alot of you before. but sometimes, you can stop things from happening, but sometimes, is just difficult for you to stop things from happening. opportunities don't come always. it might come once and go forever, or it might never come. so, i really didn't want the opportunities to go away and regret in my life. i said before i don't want to do things that i will regret in life. although, constantly it has been happening in my life everyday. but there are some things i can do to not regret in life. so, forgive me from pulling out and go for my opportunities. i might not have a good time with the new opportunities but i know i must try it. i can only say i am truly grateful for your opportunity. i don't know how to repay just truly grateful to you all. pardon me for leaving though i know i have received alot of care from you all. sorry for not being able to fight on the same line. but i know i need this opportunities to venture out and no be kept in a protected shell. everyone thinks i don know how to handle situation, everyone thinks that i am not able to handle situations. but sometimes, is just difficult to lie to someone i think is a good person.

now i have a question. define "lying". some said, if i am lying for a good cause, then i am doing a good deed. but still, is a lie. lying is never for a good deed unless you really have to do it otherwise. though my lies might not have impact on others, might not affect them somehow, but it is still a lie. a lie will always be a lie. there is no white lies, good lies and bad lies. they are still all lies. it wont have impact on them, but it does have an impact on me. an impact on me that " I LIED" that is terrible enough for me.

if you want there to be your friend, you have to trust and respect them for them to trust and respect you. i am trying to trust and respect my friend, but i still can't figure out. too confuse. but every post without fail, i will mention *swinging sixties*. *swinging sixties* is always there to enlighten me. and i am so glad that *swinging sixties* swing by to tell me a lot of stuffs. and i hope to swing by others path to tell them. although it might be a minor stuffs only. this is " Pay it forward". i guess i am lucky in some way. i believe i might still be the old me if *swinging sixties* didn't swing by. and sometimes i wonder, if i will always be the old me if things didn't happen. i believe i will still be.......

Ms Lam, a special person that i befriended. nothing like my usual friends. she is abnormal. haha! but i guess she appear before me for a reason. cos we guided each other in the path and help each other in the path. though i might be able to help her in another path, but i hope i can help her in other paths. :)

[ there's always a price to pay for taking the shortcut ]

2009-07-29T23:43:00.001+08:00

everybody used to say "you think for others, why didn't you think of yourself", "don't be too hard on yourself", "be nicer to yourself"

only people that are not selfish always commit to these mistakes. putting others before themselves, i do not know how hard it might be, but it might be a habit set inside your character.

why am i still that naive to think that only good things will happen to good people! stupid TV drama serials, always damn bloody portraying eventually in the end, good things will end up with good people, but in reality that doesn't seems to be the case. no matter how good you are, how kind you are, how selfishness you are, how generous you are, good things might not be with you. that's a fact that i must accept, but that does not mean that i am going to turn into a bad guy. but just to remind myself that how hard, tough and hurtful reality is. heaven already have a path for you to walk. i am glad that i was exposed to many things this age, seeing the true color of humans knowing that i was fucking too naive and innocent to believe everyone have good heart in them. Now, i believe it is very tough and hard to find a good heart in human, not even in me. probably i am not suitable to be in the mind playing game. still i am truly envy those who can play mind game, corporate games very well, because i can't. but then, i don't wish too as well. i just want a happy working environment, i help you in some ways, you help me in some ways. but fuck that thinking! this will really never never happen!!

glad that alot of things happen recently that brought me closer to where i really want to be and what i want to do. i know that what i want is something real simple, definitely not getting involved with people that can't be true. perhaps, my plan might changed down the road, perhaps not. but at least i know what i do not what to be involved with.

suddenly again, i feel that i lost my character! never mind, i will not be too into this and should be getting on my feet to find it back, so i'll be back!

Thank You, Dark Knight, Pony! I hope you will be one of the five people i will meet in heaven! :)

passion passion, that runs in everybody! i am going to grab my passion back! wait for me passion! coming to get you!

2009-07-22T00:05:00.005+08:00

look on the brighter side.

in everyday's life, we are always making decision, be it a small or big decision, they are still decisions for us to make. and we do not know, if it might or might not affect us in the future. But i do realise now that i have to make every decision wisely and think of the long terms conditions. Nothing will go our way smoothly and there is nothing like lucky in life for me. i have already learnt that we have to lose something to gain something, but seriously sometimes, i can't see what i gain. Heaven is famous for being unfair, but in fact he is doing us a good deed by playing the bad guy. He makes us learn in life and teaches us how to make the right decision. Decision be it tough or easy are still decision we have to make in life. There's no easy way out on this so we gona learn the hard way. And the worst thing is that we don't know what this decision will lead us to, we can't predict what will happen after making the decision. Decision making is thus a lesson to learn in life.

With all the things happening around, it allow me to see so much. how selfish people can be, how mean they can be, how emotionless they can be and totally how disgusted human nature is. Then it dawned upon me that, being the kindest person is the toughest to be. Is tough to be 100% pure kindness in human, there bound to be that 20% of evilness in everyone. I want to be the nicest person but i realise that is tough. people are just pushing me to have those evil thoughts and negative comments about them. this i can't help it, but i will try to curb it.

Recently, i am really seeing some "Dark Knight" in me. Define "friends". for me, definition = tools . simple as that. Define " true friends". for me, definition = bullshit. simple as that. Define " best friends". for me, definition = a joke. simple as that. i am beginning to see more and beginning to realise that, she is absolutely right. "friends" don't exist, for my case. requirements to meet my label as friend, that is the freaking toughest thing to meet! is actually that simple, a word --> "heart"

no heart no talk. people around me are just there to constantly reminding me not to be one of them and i have to bear that in mind and always remind myself.

i am not worthy to be anyone's friend and neither can anyone be mine. *wink*

2009-06-01T23:18:00.003+08:00

sometimes, human just disgust me that much.....

first time i am sitting upright, writing my post, normally i will lie on my bed and finish up the post. because i am gonna do some focus work after this post. this topic over and over again. how can life be perfect? how can a person be perfect? how can just anything be perfect? there must be some imperfection to shine the perfection. nobody can be perfect in this world, neither can i. no matter how unfortunate i think i am, there are always more unfortunate people out there comparing to me. no matter how unlucky i think i am, there will always be people that have worse luck than me. no matter how unhappy i think i feel, there bound to be people that is feeling 10 times worse than me. but they are still able to make the best out of it. they turned their unhappiness into something that can make them happy. probably, i should learn to be like them. using all my unhappiness to work on something that will make me happy. then this question dawned upon me, what is the thing that can make me happy? wow! such a simple question, i seem to have problem answering it, then how can i be happy? haha... but never mind, i will still learn. i believe, 1 day i will be happy!!

"is interesting how people sees you" -- quoted from her. yes, i thought that was rather interesting too. from the mouth of strangers', acquaintances' or even friends, to see what they think of you then ponder about it myself, if i am really who they describe. is not about very bothered by how people sees me, but is more of curiosity. how do i fare in peoples' eyes. but never did it occur to me that, perhaps because i have grown up and perceive things in a different way. i just always want to put the blame on the incident. but probably it isn't of the incident, probably the timing is just coincident. maybe... it never dawned upon me as " i have grown up!" until a friend of mine reminded me. ah... then it really might be because i grown up and see things in a different way, and are exposed to more things that deemed to be reality and realise fairy-tales doesn't exist, then i became more depressed because reality is killing. i think maybe.........

i said before, the most scariest thing in my life, is when i realise i lost myself. i lost who i am.. i lost knowing how to be me. i lost myself in this cruel reality. in my previous post, i mentioned about chasing things, then now i asked myself, why am i chasing some things in life that i hate? could it lead to a good deed in the end? ............

*i am used to being alone*

2009-05-24T22:21:00.005+08:00

actually i have alot of things to say, but due to my tiredness, i dump them aside and forgot about them. so i am gonna bring along my scheduler so that whatever i want to jolt down at that moment i am able to do so.

i rented "Bride Wars" DVD and watched it last night. It wasn't about romance movie, but it emphasize about friendship; a friendship that lasted for over 20 years, bearing the same dream/ideal place of marriage and season to get married. how warming and nice, if there is really a friend like this. it is so sweet. sometimes, having only 1 best friend is the best in life that could happen isn't it?

i am not sure what is ur take on this, but someone shared this with me and i reckon with it. in life, is all about chasing, chasing for your dream, chasing for the person you want to me, chasing to have that achievement, chasing all your life for yourself. So in life is a never ending chasing process. So, it caught me thinking, maybe i was running real slow for the first 200m, then i realize i need to buck up so i speed up for the next 500m, however because my stamina wasn't that strong to maintain the speed, so i felt very tired and slowed down for the next 2km, then i dawned upon me that i was really really behind, then this time i taught myself to speed up at a comfortable speed so that i will be able to maintain the same speed for the remaining of my journey. doesn't this apply to life as well, forever chasing, sometimes you are too into, too focus in chasing that you lost alot of things in life, the scenery everything and in the end you were too tired, then you slowed down in life again, after realizing that you have to speed up, your opponents is already way in front of you. Now, i feel so tired, probably because i was too into focusing on myself that i lost alot of nice things around me, and maybe i feel tired chasing things in life.

she mentioned too, people may skip some steps to reach to the top but you finish the whole process to reach the top. people that skipped, missed out on the overwhelming scenery that they could see, but yet i get to see it and still reach the top. so, i believe now i am gonna slow down on things. another enriching journey but to realize that i deteriorate. i should keep up the spirit of learning in life and not give up. :)

i have let it go completely...

2009-05-11T16:46:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, you just wants to be alone.

Thank you wei wei… that’s very sweet of you. But now, Australia got a couple of suspected swine flu, so I better stay away from Aussie. Hahahaha.. kidding la… I will go there by myself before you are all ready to come back. Then, I will be able to travel around myself, it will be so cool! JThank you!!

wei wei, I am not actually waiting for someone to appear, I am searching for my soul back… haha… that someone can appear or can just disappear, doesn’t matter much to me though.. I believe what’s most important to be now is grabbing my soul back and get on with what I want to do. Now, it occurs to me that I don’t have the courage to pursue my dream that I have been talking all about. Is not about able and not able, is all about whether I am daring or not daring. Perhaps, not at this stage, I still have to finish my degree to secure myself and earn my pride. That’s the purpose of it, isn’t it. I think this 2 years, I have been trying to be myself, and all about myself that I lost touch with getting to know people or being friends. I believe I was once a good friend to my friends, but now I don’t know how to be a friend anymore. The more I am your friend, the more I am not a friend. I am not a caring friend, not a nice friend, not a easy-going friend anymore. Why is it so? I was too occupied with myself that I threw that part of me away. Dumped it all…. I guess my balancing failed badly. Ah wei posted a superb old school picture on facebook and I got a shock! Who is that girl?!! God, don’t mention anybody else, I don even recognize myself, I lost that smile, lost the freedom of smile, lost the happy go lucky feel…. Whoa! Yea, can’t deny that I change a lot. Tremendously. I don’t hate my change, but I hate it when I am lost again.

I wanna get out get out get out and be alone!

2009-04-21T23:14:00.002+08:00

sometimes i feel myself behaving like a wavy graph.....

i know that i have changed much since. i know that, there is a period of time where i love my change. i know that my change is definitely for the good. but now, i am starting to doubt myself. once i was just anybody out on the road, then i found myself, being myself, was happy about myself. now i think i am stranding out in the world, losing myself, can't get hold of myself. now, i think i am lost. when a person gets lost, they have a choice. either left or right, front of back? but i don't see any directions in front of me now. i am lost in a desert where no directions seems to be the way out. i felt so helpless, depressed and tired. walking all the while in this never ending desert, when will i find my way out?

depressed? i believe i am. i feel like putting a halt to whatever is happening to my life. i don't enjoy working anymore, i don't enjoy hanging out with friends anymore, i don't enjoy anything in life. my brain is not working, not thinking, not operating, not functioning. where is it that out of 10 things i did, 10 things seems all wrong.

give me my dreams, give me guidance that it is workable. lead me there, and i will show you how serious and focus i can be and will be. why am i walking away from being a true libran? probably i should really take a break, probably this will be the best for me....

it is hard to find someone that really really really understand you or really really really know how you feel and what you are thinking. probably 1 in a billion. friends are good, they could be a good tool to enlighten me about something that i never thought about myself, but never 1 really know how i really feel. probably the problem lies in me? never truthful about my feelings ... never really allow anyone to understand my thoughts... never allow anyone to step in-depth..... probably is just me.............

things will be simpler if i am simple.....

2009-04-15T22:08:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wish to get out from singapore badly....

perhaps i am born to be independent, born to be alone, born not to have feelings attached. if there is really a chance to get out from singapore, i will be the first definitely. i know everywhere got its pros and cons, i know no place might be better here. but i don seem to have strong feelings attached here. or perhaps, you want me to rank anything, probably family will be my last. was this feeling some kind of side effect that is happening to be now?

bottomline is i really want to get out and get away. away to someone perhaps to grow up myself...

2009-04-02T00:19:00.006+08:00

is going to be a short one, because i need a place to vent.

i know i am wasting my time and getting away from my passion and dreams. but there is so much that i want to do but nothing that i can do. i cannot guarantee that i will do well in fashion but i know i will bring it on any challenges that comes with it because that's my passion, that's my interest. i know in working environment, everywhere gonna be the same, same type of people that can't wait to see you fall, same type of people that thinks that you are a bloody nerd, same type of people that think you know nuts... i know everywhere gonna be the same. same kind of working process and channels of marketing but different target audience and market. All this i know it. But i just can't seem to bring interest into what i am doing now. i thought i want to learn the rope of marketing. But once you step into marketing place, there is not much you will know, but is more of you finding it out. 1 year passed, i dare not say i know what marketing truly is about but at least the main basic is that marketing is to listen to what consumers want. this is my interpretation.

my social circle is so small and tough to expand but i know i have to try to expand. only then i see some opportunities coming in. i touched my heart and asked myself where do i want to be? i replied :" i want to be in fashion!" going to be a tough road but perhaps a happier road?

nobody understand how delighted i am when i see nice beautiful dresses, clothes, skirts, shorts, shoes, bags and be it the genders and of cos not forgetting babies' wear. i get all excited and hype to look at them, how beautiful they are. nicely designed, the details, the silhouette, the shape, the colors, the whole look of it.

so what am i suppose to do now?

i have been wondering to ask everyone a question: " what do you want to be?" , "how far are you away from reaching to where you want to be?" and why do you want to be...?" . it could be interesting to find out.

*how i wish there will be a Luke Brandon that appear before me: :yepps: :)

2009-03-15T23:25:00.004+08:00

i believe i would want to post this today while listening to Kenji's hits, because is a now or never thing. ha....

i was flipping through fashion's magazine and dawned upon me that majority of the fashion designers are males. how come this scene? women are the one wearing the clothes, shouldn't we be the best and be the one to fully understand what is nice what is not? what is suitable what is not? what is comfortable what is not? but how come there is this scene of males fashion designers? i am puzzled and keep on thinking and thinking. wonder if anyone have thought of this question before. my only answer to myself will be, women will not be objective enough while designing. they will only design things that are suitable for them, therefore they are always stuck in this small like circle of their and yet to break through. women just want to design clothes that are wearable for them, look nice on them but this theory of theirs may not apply to every single one outside. probably that's why they are always hidden somewhere in the corner waiting to walk out of the circle.

while i was reading through the magazine, they were featuring New York Fashion Week with all the various runways that was around. i was asking myself, when will i be able to step into on of the runways. there are a couple brand that i want to look at. Chole, Jil Sander, Celine and all dressed up. but it seems like a never reaching dream for me. but at least i have this dream.

probably, i should touch alittle on relationship? my point of view after hearing couple of things around me. it is interesting how fate brings two people together. i remember, once i said that "did it occur to you that you might have met your other half earlier, probably walked passed each other, or at the same place and time but dint know of each other presence." that's why is amazing how 2 people come together and have the patience and love to understand and love each other. then again, can anybody explain love? i know i can't until i met one. no one can clearly explain how things started and how it ended. it just seems like it always happen for a reason. relationship is all about giving and taking, loving and caring. knowing when to give and when to take. perhaps in every stage, mindset will be different. and in every relationship, the percentage of love given out will be different too.....

2009-03-13T12:21:00.003+08:00

1.愛太痛 (新歌)詞/曲：吳克群

吃不能吃睡不能睡
沒有了你全都不對
我都學不會把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

笑不能笑哭不敢哭
人不像人鬼不像鬼
朋友都說這不過失戀
但我卻連呼吸都膽怯

能不能不愛了因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把愛割捨

我不能睡~

吃不能吃睡不能睡
沒有了你全都不對
我都學不會把愛敷衍
用笑容來把眼淚催眠

能不能不愛了因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠不愛了

能不能不愛了因為愛太痛了
我痛得快死了卻無法把你忘了

能不能不愛了愛情它太痛了

我不能夠

不能夠不愛了

吃不能吃睡不能睡

2.傻瓜 (新歌)
作詞:吳克群作曲:吳克群編曲:周恆毅

其實他做的壞事我們都懂　沒有什麼不同
眼光閃爍　曖昧流動　閉上眼當作聽說

其實別人的招數我們都懂　沒有什麼不同
故作軟弱　撒嬌害羞　只是有一點彆扭

傻瓜也許單純的多
愛得沒那麼做作　愛上了我不保留

傻瓜　我們都一樣　被愛情傷了又傷
相信這個他不一樣　卻又再一次受傷

傻瓜　我們都一樣　受了傷卻不投降
相信付出會有代價　代價只是一句傻瓜

3.不屑紀念
作詞：吳克群作曲：吳克群

十月十八我生日這一天蠟燭熄滅後浮現你的臉
你說祝我生日快樂但還有話掛在嘴邊

你說你身邊多了一個他之後傷人的話你不想講
你說你會懷念或紀念謝謝妳我該說聲感謝

我不屑紀念這一天我們分別
我不屑懷念你的嘴喊著抱歉
我後來發現你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺一點殘缺

十月十八我生日這一天蠟燭熄滅後浮現你的臉
你說祝我生日快樂但還有話你掛在嘴邊

你說你身邊多了一個他之後傷人的話你不想講
你說你會懷念或紀念謝謝妳我該說聲感謝

我不屑紀念這一天我們分別
我不屑懷念你的臉欲止又言

我後來發現你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺

我不屑紀念這一天我們分別
我不屑懷念你的嘴喊著抱歉
我後來發現你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺一點殘缺

我不屑紀念這一天我們分別
我不屑懷念你的臉欲止又言
我後來發現你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺

我不屑紀念這一天我們分別
我不屑懷念你的嘴喊著抱歉
我後來發現你的側臉
只是我腦子裡面的一點殘缺

忘了說抱歉的是我才對

4.越愛越難過
作詞：吳克群作曲：吳克群

說說你為什麼為什麼要走說你為何要分手
別拖求你別軟弱求你說出口分手的理由

但你卻拖拖拖拖到什麼時候
如果要走卻又為何停留
請你別拖拖拖大聲的說出口
請你要痛就痛給我個快活

如果說你要走我不會留我不去管以後
然後我們說清楚一句話就夠
如果說你要走我不會留我不去管以後
多麼痛多麼的難過
別越愛越難過

Do Do Re Re Mi Mi Re Do Do Do Re Mi Do

說說你為什麼為什麼要走說你為何要分手
別拖求你別軟弱求你說出口分手的理由

但你還拖拖拖拖到什麼時候
如果要走卻又為何停留

請你別拖拖拖大聲的說出口
請你要痛就痛給我個快活

如果說你要走我不會留我不去管以後
然後我們說清楚一句話就夠
如果說你要走我不會留我不去管以後
多麼痛多麼的難過
別越愛越難過

然後連話都不說繼續沉默
連朋友都沒的作為了什麼
然後跟別人說你其實還是愛我
就算了吧壞人我來作

如果說你要走我不會留我不去管以後
然後我們說清楚一句話就夠
如果說你要走我不會留我不去管以後
多麼的痛多麼的難過
別越愛越難過

Do Do Re Re Mi Mi Re Do Do Do Re Mi Do

isn't he just too talented!! same as me, a libra. like him!!

2009-03-10T23:49:00.003+08:00

i believe i lost it....

i lost the drive to work, lost the motivation to improve myself. Now, it seems like i am nobody anymore. how come, this kind of feelings comes and goes? interesting. some months back, i was still driven to work hard but it seems like all has died. it could be the bad global gloomy news affecting or it may be otherwise. a news article, reported that many in their late 20s and early 40s seek consultation as they are suffering from depression from the global recession economy. imagine falling from the top to nothing, that is quite a tough hurdle to overcome. be it mentally or physically. you have to keep telling yourself that you are capable and have the ability to work, however, global economy is the killer, leaving many jobless. this are very sad cases that humans are suffering from depression and out of job. overcoming and wining the battle should be the mission statement all of us should look forward to. if everyone was to turn in despair, what will the world becomes? Nothing! Zero!

recently, i have started writing my diary that neglected for a good whole year. it isnt a daily entry kinda of stuffs, but to keep me reminded of things. suddenly, i felt as if i lost all my feelings. feelings to love ( friends & family ), feeling to be touched, feeling that ... just simple lost all my feelings. perhaps, i have got the "there are no friends in this world" syndrome. i think there is a high possibility. i tend not to treasure friends that much and can do or do without them. Oh God! but perhaps, i am learning to depend on myself and not others? because in this world, there is no one else you could trust but only you yourself.

And again, this time of the year, i am saying it again, i want to leave. i want to venture. i want to look out. i want to do things i like. i want to have my favorite things surrounding me. i want... i want... alright, whatever.

Recently, i am so into listening to Kenji Wu's Song. i shall post an entry with all his songs lyrics. talented man! cool boy!

2009-02-23T23:09:00.003+08:00

i question myself again.

coming to an end to another month, how times flies. starting from 2009, i started questioning myself. the question why am i doing this? why am i here? why am i not a happy person? why did it makes me feel so stupid? why why and endless why!! today i said :"why is my determination not strong to just do what i like, instead to end up yet in another shitty job?" probably this is fate. probably i have to go a harder way in doing many things in life.

i never felt lucky before, because i didn't dare to.

i never felt happy before, because my sadness overcome my happiness.

i never felt fortunate before, because all misfortunate happens to me.

i never felt satisfied before, because i am doing all the craps.

i never felt life was meaningful, because i didn't meet anyone.

i only felt lucky, fortunate and meaningful after i had myself a wise dictionary. things will be different if i hadn't choose this path, things will not be so tough if i choose an easier way out. i am just challenging myself to see how far i can go but to realize i am still a libra. A libra that yearns for peaceful and harmony life, that hates betrayal, back-stabbing and arguments. maybe i am just not cut out to do something big which i always think i am capable of. maybe i set too high expectations on myself. maybe i am just suitable for farmer's life. sounds very disheartening isn't it? i am not that weak, but the people around me make me nauseous, disgusted and irritated. i just have a very simple wish, is to work harmonious, how come it seems so tough in every organization. ya, maybe being a teacher will be the easiest way out for me.

there are just too many unpleasant incidents in my life that makes me sick!

and i shall end with this statement after the horrid incident that my fren encountered : " Men are horrible & heartless creatures " --- defensive barrier against them.... what is love?* not edible food??!!* hahaha...

2009-01-19T23:49:00.003+08:00

actually i do have alot of things running in my head, but i always forget them.

wow! happy 2009! every year the same old thing, what can be newer than this? my new year resolution is to " Be Myself ". Frankly speaking, i am not a good person, not kind, nothing at all. where's all the meaningful things in my life gone to? i have so many things i want to achieve but neither way could help me in fulfilling it. please do not think that i have sank down again, it's just that my surroundings is not pleasing me. i am not happy with whatever i have done. i felt that i have not accomplished anything in life, nothing that made me proud of myself. i am not a lovable child, not a good friend, not a hardworking employee and definitely not a nice person.

This few weeks, i am experiencing that i am losing myself. Where's my identity? Suddenly, i felt lost again. This is not a good head start in the new year. i am starting to treat people coldly, giving attitude and being mean and sarcastic. Is this the real me? i am not trying to brag about myself here, but i always have this impression of me as being a very nice person, trying every single ways to please people, being easy-going, just a good impression of myself. But recently, i felt that i don't portray myself like that anymore. i am not a nice person, never try to please people, not easy-going and please stay away from me and a bad girl. WHY? okay, i think i am yanking non stop.

Some stuffs are just meant to be. i cannot keep on going like this, i have to buck up my life and find my ultimate goal in life. Buck Up gwenny!

2008-12-29T21:46:00.003+08:00

wow, i am happy to actually know that i got 2 loyal fans.. thank you.

everyone is the same but different in another way. everyone thinks the same just the way of executing it is different. how devastating to know that everyone is actually the same. so my new year resolution is TO BE MYSELF. being oneself, is easier to say but harder to be. one always tend to act in a way to please someone or hurt someone. though, they might know in their heart, that is a wrong move, but actions is always faster than thoughts.

another year is coming to an end, again i realized that i did not gain much this year but i am delighted to know that Me! I have definitely put that past behind me, whatever happened in 2007, 2008 has been dumped into, maybe a folder call "unwanted memories". isn't is a wiser way for me to store more memories. ha!

"feels that nobody is as true as you".... seriously, talking about being true, is definitely tough/difficult/maybe one in a million to find someone like that. everybody definitely still have some little secrets they keep to themselves. nobody can be that true. it cant be sure that people will understand someone in such a short time. it seems to be that i don know who is true or who isn't. is my intuition accurate? or is it failing me?

half a year passed, i thought it might be a good well but to realize i never get out from the bad well. when is my turn gonna come? when is my turn to get into a good well? i always believe doing more things, though is hard work but in some ways will benefit me in another. but sometime, too much of it can bloody kill me. seriously, no one is trustable and never judge a person by its LOOK! depend on nobody but MYSELF.

2008-11-12T23:58:00.003+08:00

i just lost what i wanted to write 5 seconds ago.

Let's talk about more social and political stuffs. Global Market is not doing well and is affecting worldwide economic. what worse, it is affecting everyone. " If everyone goes into a power safe mode, recession will be worse" [quoted from Channelnewsasia] true enough, if everyone saves and nobody spend, the economic will not generate revenues and sales. Then wouldn't it be worse for the economic. it is good to save but do not totally just stop spending and i for-see, this Christmas will be the worse christmas that i am going to enjoy. I wrote before in my post, Christmas is a season that i love the most! the happiness and joyous atmosphere is so heartwarming and always touching my heart. I hate to see a gloomy and sad Christmas furthermore, i am not traveling that period. I thought i make a pact with myself to always spend christmas and new year away. but economic is doing so bad that i am not able to find any good soul.

Traveling, is tough to find a good traveling partner that shares the same thoughts, tell u nothing but the truth and bring fun and happiness. i love traveling, 1 year ago i could say loudly that i can travel alone but ever since i think traveling should have a companion that you could share all the funny incidents that happen on the spot.

a incident that was uncalled for, pisses me off............ telling to explain but you lost you.... but i believe people change to adapt to the environment, thats why i love changing!

Christmas is really nearing, i hope to have a merry merry joyous christmas.....

Please....Please....

2008-11-05T23:38:00.004+08:00

It has been some time since I pen down my thoughts and emotions.

Since my last entry, time just flies so quickly that even a camera can’t capture all my memories. The decision that make me write is partly because of my dear friend , ah wei who said she enjoy reading my entries. So, for her, I decided maybe it’s time to start writing again.
She mentioned that it might be things happened. But, frankly speaking, nothing happened, even if it happened, it was past tense. It was my pure emotions and thoughts. I thought I was a well known pessimistic? HA!

There are always ups and down in life. Although, I have yet to be at my ups, I am always been found at the bottom of my life. October supposed to be a happy month for me, but why must my misfortune shot me right at this month. Is it that I do not deserve to be happy? I tried so hard to look at the bright side; perhaps the bright side was too glaring for me.

Suddenly, I am lost again. I thought I found my direction, I thought I had it all straightened out. I thought, bloody fuck off the thoughts. Maybe I think too highly of myself? Maybe I think I am able to be there? Maybe, bloody fuck off the maybes. Sat my ass straight and get my thoughts out.

People are always lost in their life, just like drivers lost their way. They have the Map or GPS to guide them, so for human, we have to find our “Map” or “GPS” in order to be right on track. But sometimes, they might lead you to the wrong way, they can’t always be right. Maybe you should depend a little on your intuition? Nothing will drop from heaven.

Having being another year older, I have come to terms with a lot of things. Human just have to be open-minded to lead a more carefree life. Sometime, although we know that accepting and facing the reality is tough, just have to overcome the barrier and you will come to realize that actually you can make everything right. Not many people will have a wise dictionary that comes across in their life. If you do, please cherish it and learn as much things. Wise dictionary will never be there forever. There will always be moments of departure.

Surprisingly, being a year older, I didn’t make any wish. Will they come true? If they do, just give me a place with nobody, by the beach, stock up the cupboard with inspiration books and nice soothing music. Once in awhile, some hot hunk. Whahahaha…. I think, I just need a break, a getaway to somewhere to breathe some new air and everything should be fine.

I realize people really tend not to treasure what’s in front of them, and start crying when everything is gone. Wake up people, take more notice of the surrounding, you might be surrounded by love. And i know i am surrounded by my loved fren.

Oh god, why is my post so heartwarming today. *wide smile*

Okay, stop here.
P.S * New found buddy, please remember that I am pretty and cute but we could never figure out the reason why? *wink

2008-07-18T00:07:00.004+08:00

sometimes i think i changed alot.

i am not sure why it occurred to me to read my past post and i was amazed how much i changed within a year. the change was definitely drastic, the change was definitely a good thing for me, the change was indirectly caused....... in the past, i have been trying to please every single person that steps into my life. it was in me, to treat everybody nicely. my mentality was that, if i am nice to you, you will be nice to me too. but i gave up on this thoughts. i feel that i am obliged to be nice to you, so vice versa, you should be nice to me. but people out there don't carry the same thoughts that i do. So, why am i torturing myself, having high hopes on human beings and thus knowing i am extremely wrong! people always say " change is good, change is always for the better!" and i love changing now. though a year passed rapidly, i changed alot too! within a year, i learnt alot from this wise dictionary. i am grateful that the wise dictionary came across my path and show me the ropes up, exploring my own identity!

for the recent times, i've received comments like i am a person of character. true, i become a person with more of my own character compared to who i was in the past. just that, i become more character but less happy. i carry more sad faces in me, plus the fact that i know that i have yet to achieve what i want in life, therefore there is nothing for me to be happy about in life. i don't quite like rubbish talk nowadays. teach me something and i will be more willing to share so much with you. sharing thoughts, sharing knowledge is a good thing that i must have along my path in growing up. previous year, i was still so much surrounded by friendship, maintaining important friendship. but however, i have come to realise. there is this friendship that i couldn't maintain. it is always one hand clapping friendship. i gave up on friendship. i only maintain 1 friendship that i know we both tried very hard to keep it going! i gave up on my friends, naturally they will give me up. but i guess it upsets me that the effort wasn't appreciated. i think i fear to accept the fact that whatever i done was never being appreciated, that's why i ended it.

i know the reason of my recollection, because of that suspicious incident. i don't think i was reading too much into it huh....

2008-07-05T04:24:00.003+08:00

sometimes i should slow down and see the complete world.

it's really been sometime since i pen down something here. within a months, i went through alot of changes that made my mind set back on track to think of where i really want to be at. it's always in me that i failed to see human's true self. i have been trying real hard to see through a person's mind but i never will succeed. because i believe i am not capable to do that, thus i lost confidence on my own judgement. i always only believe what i see rather than what i hear. but maybe before i could see it, i've already been hurt badly. so, what should i believe in now? see or hear? never knew being a human is so tough. defending oneself' to survive in this cruelty world yet not knowing your existence in this "supposed-to-be" beautiful world. pardon me for all this, i have been reading alot of self-improvement books by "Mitch Album" and "Paulo Coelho" . they are amazing writers which i have so many things to learn from them and to understand their message . now, i don't fancy romance stories that much anymore.

death is embracing us anytime, any moment. you can hardly change fate that has been installed for you. but what you can do , is to live a better live before death and you will realize that you went on to heaven in such a way that you will not have any regrets leaving in your heart. Maybe at this point, people from the other end of the world lives' are endanger, yet here we are, safe and sound. that's why shouldn't we live with much happiness and faith each and every day. it was always easier said than done. but if you think likewise, i think you will feel likewise totally. at this point of time, i might be having leisure time where i could surf net and enjoy the relaxing air-condition installed for us. however we never know that at the end of the world, people are suffering from many things, yet i can do nothing to help them.

i always thought parting was nothing difficult but i was surprised by my own emotions building up.
i always thought saying good-bye will never be a difficult to say.
i always thought seeing his/her back view walking away is easy.
but everything was totally the opposite when i sent my brother off to be a "real man".
i have to suppress my tears, and hide my worries deep inside. everyone of us is trying to put up a strong front. but seriously hope things will be fine for him.
tekong is a very refreshing small island that faces the sea. losing contact with the cruetly world, makes the air more refreshing!

recently i reminisce alot about the past. not sure the reason behind this, but i hate it when i keep on thinking stuffs relating to the past. many time i told myself, i am living for the future and i want to keep up with the future. when would i want to slow down my steps running backward?
things will be tougher for me and maybe in the end, i lose both sides.

2008-06-10T17:43:00.002+08:00

Sometimes a new life marks the end of life.

It just seems to me that I am different from my friends. I think I changed a lot. Years back, my dream was just to meet the right guy and start a happy family. But gradually, I start to lose confidence in this part. There are just too many cases of divorces and betrayal. But of course there are still examples of happy family. Somehow, it doesn’t appeal to me anymore.

I am beginning to stop giving. Giving my love and concern to the dearest people around me. Instead I give all my attention of love and care to myself.

I am beginning to stop being nice, nice to the dearest people around me. Instead I am starting to be mean to people.

I am beginning to stop being easy-going. Instead, I demand what I want.

Given anyone, they bound to go through this changing period. Because you already seen the cruelty of the world. I still have plenty of the cruelty to see.

I am a selfish person that love myself too much.

It really amazing how people click and be friends. I am a libra and I believe in my characteristic. That’s why I came upon the question, why are all my friends so beautiful? Because I am a libra that loves nothing but pretty things. That explains why I only befriend beautiful and handsome people. I am so materialistic man. I just don’t share the same thinking as any of my family members not even my brother. The feeling is so funny like as if I am the weird person in the whole family. They all share the same values in life but not for me. Am I that different?

I really see the dramatic change since 18 years old and I always tell myself to never do things I will regret down the road or things that remind me of how embarrassing I was. But life never ends here and it will still go on until I find the right meaning in life. It will go on until I find a direction in life.

Life is like a car, is all about direction. If you don’t know where you want to go, the car will just halt there and don’t move, even if the car is moving, it is also wandering about without direction. But once, you have a direction in life, you will know your way to it. There may be a shorter route or if you do not fear hardship then you can take the longer route. When you reach the destination, you will be doing things that you are there for. Once, you are done, then you will have another destination in life and keep on moving towards it till you find a place you love and a place called home. No point wasting all the efforts and energy wandering about if you have no direction in life. Its time now to stop and ponder about what’s is your direction in life that will keep you moving non stop.

2008-05-21T22:42:00.003+08:00

sometime a new beginning marks a new life.

3 minutes silence for the victims in China, Szechuan.

i teared everytime i see images of the victims and deaths that the earthquake caused. children are happily studying the moment the school collapsed. the place that they thought was the safest for them yet it caused them death. it was certainly heart-breaking to see parents crying their lungs out for their beloved children. i could never understand the feelings that was in them when they saw piles and piles of kids lying on the fall,in search for their loves. it was certainly devastating for them to endure and go through this whole incident.

A 7.8 earthquake that killed thousands and thousands of life. An earthquake that tear happy family apart. An earthquake that millions over the world detest it. An earthquake brought Chinese standing firm together helping each other to stand back on their feet again. An earthquake that breaks million's heart. An earthquake that kills so many many innocent life. An earthquake which might in the first place caused by human's harming the global warming. A life for a life.

this was certainly heartbreaking, sad and sympathy. so here i am, praying hard for the victims to stand back on their feet and live on their lives plus the lives of the death.

"friends are like reading material" a phrase that was taught to me. and for me, i lost a wise dictionary .

i had this weird dream, but i hope he is okay. that dream was too scary. just be safe, sound and happy.

2008-05-05T22:21:00.004+08:00

sometime, hell STOP "sometimes"

she mentioned : " those were the memories that she doesn't want to touch".
someone like her have memories that she doesn't want to recall. i believe deep in everyone's heart, there lived some memories that you wouldn't want to look back at it.

i believed my heart lived too many memories that i don't even want to remember less mention keeping it. but it's funny how human brain stores memories. there are so many happy memories, but they chose to reject storing it, however they just stupidly accept bad memories like inviting virus into your data. stupid brain isn't it?

going through all the memories could be the last thing that i will wanna do. people should look forward and working hard to reach the goal in front. the trekking taught me a lot of things. the destination seems so far away, but if you stay focus and put in effort, the next thing you'll know is that you've already reach your destination. it's really serious when i mention this. do no fear how much hardwork or sweat you have to put in to finish the walk, just enjoy the process of it. you will pick up some small little interesting tips along the way. life should be like that. you will meet different things each time and starting to understand yourself. having understand yourself will allow you to have a better vision in what you want to achieve in your life. you can only be you in this lifetime, you will be someone else next life.

do young kids know what love really is? when i don't even think i could ever figure that out.

so much of seriousness, let me share some joke. actually, sometimes i hate it why cab uncles start to chit chat when i feel like having some peace, but you see, sometime you will still gain somethings. like this time.

uncle told me stories how some passenger couldn't pronounce their destination.

a passenger board a cab at redhill

passenger : uncle, i want to go rivervalley.

uncle: okay.

10 minutes later....

uncle: okay, rivervalley

passenger looks puzzled.

passenger: uncle, where is this? you should take CTE .

uncle : but, you said you want to go rivervalley.

so, passenger called this friend.

passenger : eh, your fault la, i told uncle to go CTE but i don't know when am i .

passenger's friend : where did you tell uncle you want to do?

passenger : rivervalley lor!

passenger's friend : SA LA la!! is RIVERVALE!!! IS YOUR FAULT!!!

Blurhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

it is kinda of funny. sometime being a cab uncle sees and hears alot. i think they are the people that learnt alot of things. haha.

2008-04-30T23:30:00.006+08:00

sometime i wish to admit the fact...

it seems that nowadays, it's been hard for me to write some stuffs here. i thought i should give it a try today.

in the past, whenever i've been to some places i will love to keep many many pictures as memories. but, in this past few trips, i didn't manage to do so. maybe that place is no longer new to me. that's the country that i have been there almost every year and still turn out to be my favorite country. everytime when i go away i will come back with a heavy heart. but it seldom happen already. i think i am starting to see a clearer picture of myself. starting to understand myself more. i know i won't want to do stupid things to hurt myself and deprive myself to be happy. everything is predestined like she said which i totally agree. you can't fight fate but you'll have to welcome fate with big arms. there are things we can control, but certainly there are things we can't control. we always think heaven is unfair, but in some point of view heaven is equally fair. it's really up to individual to judge on a particular event.

sometimes things can be that easy, however is just that we are not open up to many channels that narrowed our mind up. when the mind is shut to only one channels that's when a person fails to see opportunities in other channels. which might turn out to be a faster and better way in solving the problem or thinking things through. i am enlightened.

Do believe "what comes around goes around". just remembered clearly that today you hurt that him/her, remembered that. some time down, you will have a taste of what you did.

trekking is really a good form of workout and a process where you are surrounded by natural environment. everything around you will be so calm and quiet. it will be a good time to think through what bothers you alot or to just relax yourself. things are never tough if you've tried you best. enriching journey.

Victor 21st bash.

been sometime since i saw them. had fun!

2008-04-09T22:13:00.002+08:00

sometimes i just wished 'godness'

godness, cause it has been really a long long time since i post any entries here. it has been a long long time since i have the mood to write long-winded stories. but today, i thought i should come by and just say hello to people. but is there anyone? ha.

its been a year, yet i still hasn't settled down. its been half a year since everything went back to the same. i saw alot down the miserable life. yet, i still didn't learn any lesson. i really thought things will be just better and better for me. but just once you think you are on the top of the world, the next moment u are upside down. it's really like riding a roller coaster ride. no one will love being hanging up there for so long, though u will feel safer when u are down, but u feel no excitement.
i just finished a book "the five people you will meet in heaven"
then i thought bout mine. who will be the 5 people i will meet up there? i wonder. they might be people that just brushed through me along the roads, but then i might make an impact in their life? do people i dearly love the most? or some well-known fashion designers. okay, this book doesn't teach people to imagine who they will meet. but every person teach every little different things. which i think all very just very close to us and happened everyday just that we don't take notice of them. so, i guess cherish the family,people,friends and everything u have.

people are just so funny. when they don't need you they will be out of your life. when they need some concern, they will come looking for you and pretend to be so concern about you, give you one hell of unnecessary talks that they think they know you so well. the time when people lose contact, so much can change. a person is able to change instantly. like me, everyone notice my change. everyone said i changed. well, i agree to it. i changed. no longer like before. where nothing seems to worry me, where i think friends are just my everything, where i think fun is what have to be around . now, this are no longer the same. everything is just vice versa. i just seems to be anxious and worry for everything little thing. i think 1 best friend is really enough, but acquaintances must have many. now i think a goal in life is the pushing perk to keep me moving on.

anyway, i was thinking since i like to read magazines and love fashion so much, i think i should do a fashion blog . maybe i can start thinking about it. will post the webbie once i have the time to do it. -- under construction --

2008-02-15T15:05:00.024+08:00

sometimes i wish to just be able to excel on the job i love.

oright, in one shot,

Happy New Year,

Happy Chinese Lunar New Year,

Happy Valentine!

Is New Year being created to mark the end of the year or the start of the new year?

Is Valentine day being created to let lonely people feels miserable?

why the hell are festival and special days being created?

seriously speaking, why is Valentine Day being created to just show the world how lovely and how loving couple are? i sometimes don see a point, is it because of i'm single. but thinking through, i doubt so. i think if a couple really loves each other, everyday will be a valentine day for them. why must there be a valentine day to feel being loved? why can't everyday be a valentine day? i just don't see the point of this special day created for anything. ha! -point of view-

chinese new year. this year i go stylish, this year i go modernish, this year i go boyish, this year i am another year. this year i mingle well with the kids. they are all so cute cute cute. so lovely. always love the first day of lunar year. cos that's when the catching up time. i had relatives asking me when i am getting married? gosh! how old do i really look? maybe another 20 years time. ha! but the kids were really really cute. esp this handsome small lad, gona upload the pictures once i received it. he is so lovable and adorable.

i guess is really time to let go of any feelings and feel numb again. happy with life now except for one thing, i really really really wanna do things i like and i think i can excel and i think no matter how much time i put on the thing i wanna do i will still enjoy my life.

goodness, alot of people say that i changed,but i don't see that in me. how did i change? bestie say i change in my style, but i guess more or less my character change somehow. surroundings and situation forced me to change. people and irritating business show me the needs to change. advise and confusion allow me to fall in the trap. ya, somehow i think i did. i am not going to go with my passion, however choosing the secondary to it. people money really means alot. have i become so money minded. i didn't however i see the power of money. this season i am in love with : "Valentino Maison Bag" love it so much but i could never afford it. my passion is so pricey that i have to let it go. people have been stepping hard on my dreams forcing me to let it free. from all this incident , i realize people can't have much control in things they love. cos not everything will fall nicely the way you want. i am too tired to see the reality and hear the truth. i seriously think i am so much suitable to be a nursery childcare teacher. cos, all the kids are so naive . they know nothing about lying, bout betraying, they just know nuts about how to be a bad person. that's why kids are so adorable. things have changed so much in my life. but i don't see it getting better. alright, enough of those unhappy stuffs. i have got plenty of pictures to show in a go. however, i still got so many things to see too. but let's just put it aside...

2008-01-10T16:24:00.000+08:00

sometime i just wish that i don't wish

recently, i feel the fear. the fear of not attaining anything in my whole life. i fear that things won't turn out as what i expected. i fear that i will be in heavy debt just in order to pursue my DREAMS. i seriously fear for my passion and dream. how come i can't just be a simple minded and easy contented lady. why i just can't be happy with what i have now. why can't i just be satisfied with my current life which is consider normal. why must i be so stubborn on my dreams. the fear was kept under me, i didn't wanna face it didn't wanna admit it. i am scared, i am afraid, i fear.

Now,let's relax and allow me to discourse my End-of-year 2007 Hongkong trip.
this time round, i didn't go with bestie,this time round it wasn't a short trip, this time round it was a cold trip, this time round i learnt alot from this trip, this time round this trip is considered fruitful, this time round i am more familiarize with hongkong.this time round i spoke proper and more accurate cantonese, this time round cabs uncle praise my ability to speak cantonese. this time round i am able to wear boots in hongkong, this time round i am wearing full leggings in hongkong,this time round i love the weather in hongkong. this time round we went to the outback of hongkong. this time round i made wished in hongkong. this time round i spent Christmas eve in Lan Kwai Fong, this time round i spent Christmas Day in Macau, this time round we went around hongkong, this time round i had "Ji Dan Zai" everyday,this time round i bought nicer things, this time round i travelled to shenzhen, this time round shenzhen is scary at night, this time round i felt that i am lucky to be born in singapore, stupid, i should just stop all this time round. tired of it.

people are always not content of their presents' , they have to be at the worst to feel fortunate, to be at the best to feel misfortunate. when i was in shenzhen, i saw how poor people can get, how low and poor the living standards it was, at once i felt so so fortunate to be blessed with nice home, nice family and friends and nice clothes and nice and clean environment. but the moment i am back in singapore, i guess i start to take everything for granted. human's like me are always not gratified with everything that i have. i should be banished from all the good stuffs that i am enjoying. but this trip i went to the wishing tree that was always the scene in Hongkong TVB Dramas. though, the tree isn't like before with all the blessing tied up on the tree cos the branch did break. for safety reasons, no more throwings are allowed. we can just wished and be blessed. i am happy that we went to the more urban area to see another peaceful side of hongkong. when we were there everything was first class, train we also took first class, the ferry to macau we also took the deluxe class, then when we fly back to singapore we were upgrade to business class!! just because we dress appropriate for business class, in hongkong we stayed at a boutique hotel! damn NICE!!! very DESIGNER!! Superb CONCEPT!!the whole trip is nothing but comfort! except for all the customs pass-through, that was torturing!very torturing.
hmm, how bout i'll stop till now.

hongkong is fun!
Last song of 2007

最長的電影
我們的開始　是很長的電影
放映了三年　我票都還留著
冰上的芭蕾　腦海中還在旋轉
望著妳　慢慢忘記妳

＃朦朧的時間　我們溜了多遠　
冰刀劃的圈　圈起了誰改變　
如果再重來　會不會稍嫌狼狽　
愛是不是不開口才珍貴
＊再給我兩分鐘　讓我把記憶結成冰　別融化了眼淚　妳妝都花了
要我怎麼記得　記得妳要我忘了吧記得妳叫我忘了吧　
妳說妳會哭　不是因為在乎＊

如果
不瞞你說　我真的有想過
從今以後不再跟你　有任何聯絡
不要再試著暗示我　後來你發現甚麼

不瞞你說　並不特別寂寞
接下來的幾個週末　節目特別多
偶而會有人喜歡我　但並不代表甚麼

＊現在的我　不缺甚麼　
認真的生活　偶而會難過　
新朋友很多　他們不夠瞭解我（他們都不瞭解我）　
問了太多　我只是微笑的帶過　
未來的我　沒有如果　
不相信星座　能預告甚麼　
假設那麼多　過去會不會復活　
最好沒有如果

不瞞你說　經過幾次風波
你不能再從我臉上　讀出些甚麼
要適應的事越來越多　改變的不止是我

Repeat ＊假設那麼多　過去能不能來過我不相信如果

2008-01-01T16:51:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish time won't pass away so fast

Woah! Happy New Year everybody!! Happy 2008!! what a striking fast year that went away just like that! did a new top picture to welcome a brand new 2008.so many things happen to me in this whole year. so many changes made, so many unexpected. but no matter how, i still have to deal with all this that come chasing behind me. bravo! what a fucking bad year.

new year resolution? hmm, my new year resolution always never come true, but i guess i found the reason for that. cos, i have been waiting for my resolution to come true while i did nothing to change. if i wanna my resolution to come true i should so something to myself. i should change myself and i should be the one MAKING my resolution come true and not doing nothing.

frankly,just came back from the familiar hongkong. how many times must i go there? ha! it was my 4th time. amazing how i can go back to the same country for four times. what is it that they have it there that keeps attracting me back. maybe is not the place, maybe is just a getaway. a getaway to de-stress and find a new goal. but still hongkong, i love hongkong. the weather there was good! was cooling and cold. i like the weather there. there so much for me to say but i guess i shall hold on to it and have a happy new year.

have a good holiday everybody!

2007-12-12T22:39:00.000+08:00

somtimes i wish my life will be like lauren conrad, okay maybe not all, how bout half?

ha! this is the second time that i said i wanted like like hers', can you see how much i wish for what she has. but definitely, it is not going to happen, unless maybe i make it happen.and just that, you is lauren conrad when she was born but i will be lauren conrad maybe in another ten plus years time. ha! olright, i am joking. but i guess we just have to work hard in our life and expect the less. cos expectations make me out of breathe, reaching out for something that never meant to be is so difficult. maybe we could just lighten our burden in life by lending a helping hand to yourself. you need that than anyone else does. so why not! it is definitely good to have a goal in your life and to know that you are working towards it. but i have a goal in my life and i only dream about it. life's still as tough. life is just so not meant to be. finally, the hills season 3 finale and i am so excited. i wanted to know so badly whether Lauren is together with Brody. out of so many guys in her life, Stephen, jason, i guess Brody is the most charming gentlemen, never mind his flirtatious's character. he is very hot!! and the chemistry between the 2 of them is burning hot! ha! and the hills season 4 is coming up soon! is all about lauren and whitney in Paris!! how could anyone missed it! PARIS!! amazing!! but then, the preview had it that " brody has a girlfriend?" "how can that be ?" - flashed across my mind instantly! that definitely cant be true. haha. alright, stop making mild guess. have to catch the hills season 4 to know everything!!

orite. i have so many many pictures to share and gossips as well. but i guess gossips should just be kept within me and friends. my lovely princess is here last last week! and she is really really beautiful and sweet and cute and funny. love her so much. orite, stop my compliments, have a look and you will know.

i guess i will leave out the comments. to many to comment about. i have been so busy recently, actually with nothing! cos, i am not too sure what i am busy with. maybe acting busy, maybe trying to be busy. maybe trying to ignore the people in my world. maybe trying to be alone. maybe trying to be happy. oh ya! i just bought , i just bought, i just bought the most expensive bag in my life till now. for me, ya is expensive but guess pretty affordable. i love it but still have yet to carry it. it looks very elegant, very nice,good color blend, nice prints, nice unique bag shape. just simply amazing pretty beautiful bag! see me out with it! ha!

hey guys, have you all ever come across this word call platonic this term" Wow! i learnt it from my friend the other day while i was trying to figure our the relationship between my customers. ha! but interesting to know there a word that really exist to describe this kind of relations, which i think was totally bullshit and nonsense. that funny how this term comes about.

i went to Show's concert last last saturday and it was amazing "high" for the premier seats audience. but was amazingly cold for the audiences seating surrounding the indoor stadium. i am very high and wanna like high along but too afraid to stand up alone and might be blocking people's view and it wouldnt be nice. but i could see that i was very worth watching to even get the most expensive tickets. cos he looks very attractive when he was dancing, singing love songs and while playing piano. plus he is very humorous. there were laughters throughout the whole concert with his Mr Pig : "good good good good" and his fabulous english! he is the man!! haha! happy for the week.

if there will be a country that has 4 seasons, and citizens need not work to live all provided by government. you guys better don snatch it with me, cos i will definitely be the first very first to queue. cos, work now makes me want to puke, want to scream out loud, want to just bang! and leave, want to just fuck off! seriously, nothing is good. will 2008 be nice? promise?

orite, enough of me writing nonsense. let's move on.

2007-11-04T20:08:00.000+08:00

sometime i wish i won't repeat the same thing twice. OMG!! it is seriously coming to another year end. damn! time passed fucking fast this year round. and i hate this year. my every year's resolution is to have a better year than previous, but i guess my wish always turn on the other side. it will just get worse and worse each year instead of getting better. i never imagine i had to pass through such a difficult time this year round. nothing is going my way. mistakes made during work is seriously getting on my nerves. i hate to face the politic office issues, i hate to face the fact that i failed so badly in judging people. i hate to face the fact that i always thought that everybody is nice and good. i hate the fact that i stand so strong on my own judgment but ended up wrong. seriously, what's wrong with me? i have a problem with people. in this world there are things that can make me happy. but i only tend to remember things that made me sad. in this world there are so many people that can put a smile on your face but i only hate the people that make me tear. in this world there are so many people that can make you laugh but i only cry for those who make me sad. in this world there are so many different people out there searching for their soulmate but keep on making going to the wrong one. hell to the world. hell to me! ha! i realise something, no-one can't live without anyone. in this world there's alot of things you have to depend on yourself, and don't ever say things like:" i can't live without you" which i seriously think is bullshit! you were born to live for yourself. you were born to step your foot in this world. you were born for who you are. so never say you can't live on without anyone. everyone should learn their means and way of living. everyone should have their stlye of surviving. and i love hanging out with bestie. recently being to the barracks over at demspey which was a very cool chillout place. always have never-ending chatting session with her. i really don't know what will happen down the road. so far, there i could not see any sign. but life is moving on, moving forward. everybody has their own stuffs. and seriously i think i should better get alive and not wasting my youth meeting uncles everyday. ha! orite, back on track with the hills. and brody should really get together with lauren. and god! lauren got to meet Marc Jacobs... how cool is that... and bloody shit, she is acting so calm when she saw him which he was one of her favourites! haha...that's funny!! okie, i am going to continues seeing uncles everyday. let me know who's life is sadder than mine?

my new hair months ago;

2007-10-17T13:00:00.001+08:00

sometimes i wish i am not so stubborn.

it has been time since i blog. cause i did mention that i will only blog if i have something happy to share about. or maybe when i see some happy things in my life. right now, i did spend 2 happy days recently. which was on the eve and actual day of my birthday. i had a good girls night out dinning and chilling with my bestie and several girlfriends. Thank you! my birthday wont be any better without them. especially with my bestie.. seriously, she is a must in my birthday celebration. and her sister is so adorable and nice!! she made, MADE a pillow herself for me. so i have a handmade pillow for my birthday present. she is so cool!! and bestie did give me a good birthday and birthday present. really a big thanks to him. and the girls. without them the day out wont be good! thank you girls.

and on the actual day itself, i went out with my sec sch friends. seriously, i was disappointed that it was last minute but then i understand them....i sincerely thank them for the effort. seriously, could feel their effort. the cake and the present. they all tried to make it to come out. thank you. and joel!! he is also a must.. he damn hilarious!! superb!! always made me laugh to the max. and we watch this movie "the brave one" from the movie i understand that people changed due to circumstances! unknowingly, they changed due to surroundings and happenings.
the show was quite a dry one but i guess i understand alot from it.
and sorry, i couldn't act normally. it has been just difficult. but thanks everybody. you guys just turned my birthday into a great and successful one.

my brother and parents gave me very very good birthday present! thank you. my brother's card made me burst out in tears.

lastly, thanks everyone who remembered and wish me on my birthday. that was my 21st!! however, i seriously don have the birthday feeling.... alright, i am gona share some pictures. here we go.....

Day : 12.10.2007, Friday
Venue : Oosh
Time : 10:30pm

bestie and me;loveherjie and me;

mary and me;

nana and me;

jie,mary and me;

Day: 13.10.2007, Saturday
Venue : Vivocity rooftop stage
Time: 11:00pm

my 2nd birthday cake;raspberry&blueberry ice cream cake!

timer1;

timer2;

timer3;

timer4;timer5;

3,2,1 NOW!! ;

hair-eater;snapshot;reporting sir;thank you & sorry;thank you cause i know he won't forget;thank you cause he always has his ways to make me laugh; little boy.thank you for being the bestest friend.thank you for "giving me the psp"thank you for eating alot!;ha
lastly, this was my wish. and i seriously hope it comes true. i don't care about other birthday's wish but i thought, 21st birthday wishes should come true!! and i made the same 3 wishes twice! so it better come true. sincerely wish!

2007-09-15T22:31:00.000+08:00

sometime i wish i could disappear......

WOW!! i salute to my own courage...finally the coast is clear. i've never felt so terrible in my life before. i've never shivered that badly before. i've never know what is like when you find yourself struggling to breathe. i've never felt that unbearable before. i swear i will never wanna have this kind of emotional running inside. but i am happy that things got figured out. i did it for myself sacrificing ... difficulties. now, i understand what it meant by "time isn't right". sorry for that.
but thank you.

luo went in army today. and yesterday i totally feel like killing him!! cos he keeps saying things that he know he shouldn't have!! but, i understand his concern. hope he will be doing well inside. they are the only secondary school friends that i am still in contact with. that's good that everyone is finally enlisted. and guess 2 years will passed by very fast. there bound to be many things that will happen in the next 2 years. but, i can't predict much. still feel like leaving here so much...seems like everyone i know, everyone is leaving here, when will it be my turn?

hmm, guess i will stop posting for awhile until i found some happiness to write about.
this is no lie that - life is like a drama. everyday just screening different kind of storyline, with different characters.

this is no lie, that this box of potiful sweet really contain this lucky " heart " shape sweet! was exhilarated that i found it!

need to do something to my complexion.

2007-09-09T19:57:00.000+08:00

sometime i wish you could disappear......

i think i have make it a habit for me to post every sunday. actually the post allows me to distress. cos i need not make it out clearly what,who,where i was referring to. is good enough that i know it myself. i realize crying is a form of distressing. maybe is "my way to distress" after a good cry, i will feel better....i fell terribly sick on wednesday, which i never felt it before. nauseous, weak, giddy, just simply damn uncomfortable and i have no idea why my tears just kept falling down uncontrollably. i can't help it but i keep crying...maybe it when one happens to be very weak and will just cry easily. but i am okay now. but still feel like letting out a good cry!!

this whole 2 weeks, i wasn't a loser. i was able to tell myself not to do it. no mails, no msg. and i did it!! not to prove what, but have to let go. cos i know i should focus on something that i could see future in, that i believe if i put in effort i can make it. that i believe i can do it. but again, i dare not put such high hopes on it. cos the more i expected, the least i get. this always happens on me....

i was back on track on "the hills", the more i watched, the more i want the life of lauren conrad. she isn't some bitchy ladies that seriously is a bad girl. but she is cool, fun and love friends. and she really should deserve someone good. though, the hills somehow some parts looks alittle dramatic, but i love watching it. all the girls are so beautiful and pretty. and all her dresses and shirts she wore is so nice and suits her so well. i really love her life. and brody is damn "hot" maybe if i were to have a son next time, he shall be name brody. cos, name with brody are "hot hunk" eg. "adam brody" haha...he is another cute guy!!

there are so much regrets i have in life. so much i am going for. so much that i hope i can do alot of things in a day. so much that i think a day is not enough for me. so much that i hope i have 3 of me to do alot of things at the same time.

my blog has been classified as a "emotional and sad blog". ya, maybe that's me. it is definitely very hard for me to write some happy things here when my life is no where near happiness!! but seriously, there isn't many people reading it. i guess i read it more than anyone else. is a good thing, cos when i read back my past, at least i know how bad my english was. haha.....

all the things said were lies;
lies that never come true;
lies that make everything turned out to be so yucky;
lies that make me feel uneasy;
lies that keep repeating in my head;
lies that i wanna forget;
lies.........

thinking of having a short hair.

should i cut it?where can i find my shining star? shining shining;