It has been 4 months that i stopped writing.

A year has ended, and i don't have the guts to say that i have accomplished a lot in 2010. Rather, it could be ranked under one of the worst years. Although, i did gained a fair bit of stuffs on my own, but i know it is still not enough. I am still leading a mono life aimlessly. 

In 2011, my priority is to complete my studies which is the main boiling point of my burden and weight i have on my shoulders. So, what will be next after my studies? I do have certain plans what i will want to do. That is one of my goal in life for year 2011. I want to return afresh and feeling good. I believe that, that is an offer i need to take and path that i have to walk. 

I believe i will be happier when i return, i believe everything will be better when i return, i believe i will achieve more when i return. I don't deny that true fact about the characteristic about Libra! They have the love of freedom, love of wandering around, love to be lazy, just want to have fun and joy in life. I can't deny i fit perfectly into all this characteristic. For once, although i am alone in my life, i never feel lonely a single moment. Have i already reached the limit of being alone that i no longer want anyone to step into my life. So used to the life i have always enjoyed, spending all my money on myself and friends that i love. This is quite a blessing for me. I have learnt to do so many things alone after mentor's departure. But, it seems like she disappear in the world, i am not able to find out how she is doing. but, i believe someday we will meet and maybe she will be glad to find out that i am no longer who i was. and maybe the place will be somewhere we are unfamiliar with. That's my instinct. I trust it a lot. 

They are so many friends and acquaintances in life, but sadly, there are none you can trust. If i don't really understand myself, know what i want and know who i am, how would someone knows everything about me? that somehow puzzled me. Certain characteristic can be easily picked out during one's observation but unable to totally comprehend. Eg of an incident, my friends thought i was tough and strong as what my outer appearance shows, but in actual fact they found out that i was actually the most timid and weak after we finished watching a horror movie. They were shocked and totally cannot believe the inner side of me. This made me realize that all the tough act, strong front was all did by me in order to protect myself. I had to do that so that i will not be hurt by anyone that thinks i am naive and innocent. This also goes to show that i have been protecting myself really well and good. No doubt, i carry the shadow of my mentor. No one was able to understand what she is actually thinking or what is her most inner side, because she has covered herself really well and good that i never once think that she had an emotional or sad side. So, now i understand what i have always been doing. And suddenly it dawned upon me the partial reason of my change.

Recently, i choose to keep mmm about a couple of my stuffs. I am somehow proud of myself to be able to do a lot of things on my own. I always have a belief that things will eventually work out in some ways or other, that is if you tried your best. I shouldn't be eager to give back what i was being taught because i wasn't ready to. I always want to give the best advice to others because i fear for them to have regrets in their life like i did with mine. I had numerous of grudges why there wasn't someone in my life to guide me when things became difficult along my path, but eventually someone still comes by, is just a matter of time. Therefore, it will also be a matter of time for me to choose that person to payback. 

I was happy to write this post, because while writing i found things that never come across my mind and set as a reminder for me as well........

*just finished "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho - too many scattered thoughts in mind.........

quote for the day -- "some people were born to face life alone and this is neither good nor bad, this is simply life"